What In The Dorian Gray Hell?

Here’s the official royal portrait of the Duchess of Cambridge by artist Paul Emsley and it was supposed to hang inside the National Portrait Gallery in London, but since it looks like she’s slurping up your soul, they’re going to hang it inside the Haunted Mansion Ride at Disneyland instead.

Looking like Jacqueline Smith circa 1982, a knocked up Kate Middleton showed up for the unveiling of her official portrait at the National Portrait Gallery this morning and after she swallowed ten loads of barf, she put on a manufactured smile and said that it was “brilliant.” Yes, brilliantly haggard. Kate might’ve pretended like she was into that beat, jank mess of a portrait, but the critics aren’t pretending like they love it. They are dragging it. They’ve called it “rotten” and “dour.” “Rotten” and “dour” is proper British talk for “fuckinguglyasfuck” and “raggedy piece of crap.“

Duchess Kate told Paul that she wanted to look natural and he tried to capture her “sparkling green eyes” and “charm.” Well, Paul, you tried, but there’s nothing charming or sparkling about this wreck. He made Kate look like a 70-year-old evil stepmother who is about to lock you in the attic, because the Prince is coming to look for the owner of the glass slipper and she knows your foot will fit it.

Kate sat for Paul before she got pregnant, but they could’ve fooled me. By the way her lips are pursing, it looks like she’s desperately trying to stop herself from vomming up half of her insides. It’s like she just licked some dirty ass.

You know what, though? It can totally be fixed and there’s no need to send Paul to the square to be flogged publicly. Cecilia Gimenez, work your magic, girl! via @m4tt

Just stamp an Olan Mills logo on it and it’s a masterpiece! And when the Daily Mail asked Morrissey for a comment on the first official portrait, he said, “Loves it!“