Just Like Countess LuAnn Before Him....

Simon van Kempen is the latest Real Housewives of NYC cast member to slap an open sore on the sanctity of music by abusing technology to put out his own single called "I Am Real." It's been described as a dance song, but the only movement you'll want to make to this mess involves wrapping your hands around your own neck and shaking until Simon's robot voice has left the building in your head. Seriously, the sound of those latex pants being ripped off of Simon's hairy nutsack is probably more pleasant than this song.

Simon tells Popeater that his sound is very Jarvis Cocker and I have to agree. It is very Pulp. That is if you took a Pulp cassette single, let it warp in the sun, played it in a Boombox with low batteries and then shoved it all up a hippo's ass right before the creature had to fart. I'm sure that's what Simon meant.

(Thanks to everybody who sent this in!)

Posted by: Michael K

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Real Housewives Shit • Truly Awful Music

Submitted by shandi on Sat, 04/23/2011 - 1:26pm.

The intro reminds me of Pokerface by Gaga. Anyone else hear that?

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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK

Submitted by Fancy Malone on Fri, 04/22/2011 - 7:24am.

I'm liking this song...somehow the epic desperation of the McCords translates well into autotuned angst. It's funny and his Joey Fat One-circa-1999 outfit in the promo shot is priceless. It's not as good as money can't buy you class, though. *retarded gorilla singing in baritone* "Elegance is learned"....

Denise Richards was on the aftershow last night, and I have to say, bitch was kinda hot. I hadn't really even heard her speak since Wild Things so I was shocked that the spray painted cunt actually solicited some laughs from me.

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Fancy's Big Surprise: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3r5BLdqxig

Fancy's Big Surprise Part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY4we9Ivg9M

Submitted by janesexton on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 10:53pm.

Bah...It's not that bad...I kinda dig it...but I'm drunky so, there's that.

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 10:35pm.

Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 11:51pm.

you're 100% right - musicians and teachers of music need to step forward and slap Andy Cohen across the face - hard. That bitch makes tons of money off of these talentless hacks, he should be giving some of it back. Maybe bloggers like MK could shame him into it.

What do you say, MK? Andy has to have more money then God (or at least Jill Zarin) at this point. Bitch needs to start giving back and sharing the wealth with those who work hard for it for no other reason then that they love music and hope that their hard work and encouragement might inspire a kid with no other options to try a different avenue.
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Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11

Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 10:21pm.

youknow, if they were making these records for charity, i wouldn't complain, like , if all the proceeds from these RHofSatan bullshit records were made and the profits donated to, i don't know, actual starving musicians/music teachers like me, or some other worthy cause, it wouldn't piss me off.

but that i have spent years and years on lessons and a BA in music and a record in an idiom i love but that isn't lucrative, and that these "no talents without a dream in life except to be famous", that these hacks make money off "music" just gives me the effin' sour grapes sometimes.

but that and some bacon and some eggs will get me breakfast.

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"Come Back As A Flower: Songs of Stevie Wonder" - w/Mimi Fox, Akira Tana and more - name-your-price download at http://tiny.cc/u5fa8

Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 10:12pm.

As a die-hard RH franchise ho, I cannot sign off on this. Someone needs to beat Andy Cohen until his janky eyes realign themselves and he sees reality clearly enough to stop this fuckery.
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Welcome to a world where the people teaching our youth are making 1/20th of what the whores tainting our youth are making. YAY!!!! - MK 4/9/11

Submitted by reality check on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 9:12pm.

Gosh, I miss the 80's. Anyways, I don't get the gay vibe from him, more the willing to experiment with bisexuality but my preference is women vibe.

Submitted by mountain top wa... on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 8:55pm.

I understand how these morons think, Yeah, I'll hire someone to make me a record. But how do they keep hiring people who suck so bad?

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Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. —Euripides

Submitted by colt13 on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 7:46pm.

I actually like this. Sounds like one of those Things From England songs in the 80's.

I actually like Simon's confidence. Whether he is gay or straight, he just does his thing instead of being worried about what people think.

Submitted by Dolly_D on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 7:27pm.

Now do it over Simon without autotune!

I always get a strong gay vibe from Simon but he is always slobbering all over his wife so I don't know.

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"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."
— William Goldman

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 7:16pm.

This will be followed by creepy wifebeater Simon Barney and Tamra acting out a bootleg version of "Love the Way You Lie"...you know he be slapping bitches around.

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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 7:09pm.

Holy Jesus God, that is awful.

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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl

Submitted by angel_i on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 6:22pm.

Who dis woman, Harpo?

♥ Threadkilla!
Kelly Osbourne! Eep!
Three Pop Stars, One Song:
http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6474802/three-pop-stars-one-song-with-...

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 6:10pm.

Who dis?

http://s299.photobucket.com/albums/mm296/macrosgalore/?action=view&curre...

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Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLLYO8Hd_sE

Submitted by Chirio on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 5:39pm.

whoah made it to 21 seconds. lol wtf

Coma Caca!
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Submitted by Chilly on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 5:25pm.

Apparently money can't buy you class or a voice. That was shitastic.

Submitted by cristobal on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 4:31pm.

Okay, clearly this sucks, but honest to God, nothing is worse than "Money Can't Buy You Class." Nothing.

Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 4:16pm.

I just want to beat his fucking head in.

Submitted by cdawg on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 3:18pm.

the first 10 seconds started off pretty good compared to The Cuntess, Jersey Shore Angela, Kim Kardassian, Kim Zolciak's wig, et al. but then it took a serious downward spiral that makes Friday seem like a masterpiece.

And how fucking gay is this guy?

be cool about fire safety

Submitted by parkerj on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:47pm.

I have a high pain tolerance. I couldn't last more than a few seconds of this.

Submitted by miz cynical on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:41pm.

Ugh. Since I'm on my Blacberry, I can't play this clip- thank God, but you know that Andy Cohen's going to have him perform this shit on the reunion. I don't know why all of th RH of whatever think that they can sing, either.

Submitted by babybunny on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:24pm.

he always seems so super ghey on RHONY...no one on any of these howive shows INCLUDING husbands seem real to me..real fake...this dude though seemed wwaayy to into fashion and design to ever pass as a straight man...always saw a bit of sugar in his trunk...good beard though, I don't hate his wife cause she is the only thing semi-real about the NY sluts...she is not afraid to call anyone out...even though she practically breaks into hives doing it. No offense to my gheys..he needs to switch teams and take Tommy Girl with him.

Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:05pm.

Never seen this shit head before in my life.

Submitted by KA on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:05pm.

Anyone with a lot of money can buy studio time from some idiot willing to make a record for them. Incredibly awful. How do you become so damn full of yourself *cough* Kim Kardashian *cough* that you think you can be a pop star now that you're on a reality show? YOU HAVE NO TALENT.

The Real Housewives shit needs to end. NOW. I don't watch this vile crap, and I can't stand one more minute of reading about these women. Well, except for NeNe. I love her.

Submitted by Mr. Mercury on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:05pm.

He is real what?

A: Full of smegma?
B: Made of Velveeta?
C: Douchey?
D. All of the above?

"Seymour!! You said you'd never get married until you bought me an iron lung!"

Submitted by sensen on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:01pm.

here, heal thine ears
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbZaY0zHvxQ

Submitted by sensen on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:53pm.

This queen is laughing all the way to the bank.

Submitted by jd.xy on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:44pm.

Ugh.

Why are all the husbands on these real housewives shows such douches?

Of course, as annoying as Simon is he is miles better then Alexis' husband on OC housewives... man oh man is that a-hole a LOSER

Submitted by Sandbitch on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:38pm.

Thank the hairy lord there was no accompanying film clip, I'd have to hide all the sharp objects on my desk.

Riveting lyrics BTW just RIVETING.

Submitted by kacky on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:31pm.

Stupid lyrics but his voice really isn't bad.
.
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I am beyond hoffified

Submitted by mcnightmare on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:21pm.

okay, *now* i'm going back to bed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Come Back As A Flower: Songs of Stevie Wonder" - w/Mimi Fox, Akira Tana and more - name-your-price download at http://tiny.cc/u5fa8

Submitted by azgirl on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:19pm.

This Real Housewife shit has to stop, for real. It is creating monsters.

Submitted by cocoebert on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 1:17pm.

This is why we can't have nice things.

Submitted by Coif on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:59pm.

This sounds like every song played as background music for a William Higgins porn film in the 80's

Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:59pm.

I don't understand why things like this keep happening.

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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami

Submitted by BorgQueen on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:59pm.

Submitted by zachhcaz on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:15pm.
Combines the vocal range of Right Said Fred, the virtuosity of Milli Vanilli, and the raw sexuality of Rick Astley with the good looks of a young Abe Vigoda.
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Hey leave the Ginge (Rick Astley) out of it. At least he has a good voice.

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Live like the bombshell I really am!!! (Amy Winehouse @ 17)

Submitted by Helena on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:57pm.

Well, it's better than Katy Perry.
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I like boring things.

Submitted by WinnieT on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:55pm.

I think I broke my own personal record of shutting it off after 3.5 seconds.

This shit is funny until you realise that this song could stand up against half of the crap on the charts and people wouldn't know the difference.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped"
- Elbert Hubbard

Submitted by ewe on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:51pm.

I have no idea who this person is, but he's a fucking deaf retard if he thinks that shit sounds even remotely like anything Jarvis Cocker would do - even when he was with Pulp. Put a dick in his ear!

Submitted by TOPANGA on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:49pm.

Submitted by BorgQueen on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 2:15pm.
I couldnt make it past 5 seconds of this.

@ Topanga - Gretchen already came out with an album. here's one song

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-orange-county/videos/nothi...

Oh Lord..that sounded like a bootleg Faith Hill cover band and and an early 90's pop song rolled into one. Please stop letting these women get behind a mic.
____________________________
"I was half a virgin when I met him!"

-Mean Girl,Regina George

Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:48pm.

Yeah you're real all right. A real piece of shit. How dare this fucker compare this... atrocity to Pulp?!

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"As people become more intelligent they care less for preaches and more for teachers." - Robert G. Ingersoll

Submitted by zachhcaz on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:45pm.

Combines the vocal range of Right Said Fred, the virtuosity of Milli Vanilli, and the raw sexuality of Rick Astley with the good looks of a young Abe Vigoda.

Submitted by BorgQueen on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:45pm.

I couldnt make it past 5 seconds of this.

@ Topanga - Gretchen already came out with an album. here's one song

http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-orange-county/videos/nothi...

I saw Simon in the street a few months ago wearing a red velvet suit. Now I love me some velvet but this shit was ridiculous. But I have to say up close and he was talkig on the phone, I didnt get a gay vibe from him. Just a wierd vibe.

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Live like the bombshell I really am!!! (Amy Winehouse @ 17)

Submitted by Slurpee on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:41pm.

MJF:
HAhahahahahahaaa!

Submitted by TOPANGA on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:39pm.

Slimy Slade and Gretchen are next..run!

______________________________
"I was half a virgin when I met him!"

-Mean Girl,Regina George

Submitted by MJF on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:37pm.

I wonder what Bob Dylan (or any other REAL songwriter) would think of those "lyrics". What an atrocity! My husband's produced better sounds on the toilet after Tex-Mex night.

~*~Hello, my baby! Hello, my honey! Hello, my ragtime gal....~*~

Submitted by Slurpee on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:37pm.

Is he related to Kroy?

Submitted by Mento on Thu, 04/21/2011 - 12:36pm.

Does the Countess know that her shitty producer is cheating on her?

Stop this nonsense.