Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s Marriage Is On Pause

Right before I fell into a catatonic half-dream state last night, the anchor on whatever local news I had on was sad to announce that after 25 years of marriage Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have separated. And all I kept thinking about was how many times will I hear some news bitch say “It’s hasta la vista for Ahnold and Maria” throughout the day? (Answer: zero so far, thank the fuck). And then I thought about how I really had to pee and how I wish I could just go over the side and rely on my dog to clean it up like I do for him. I guess I could do that, but I’m saving that move for when I’m old and really don’t give a fuck. But enough about lazy peeing!

Maria finally got to the choppah and fled her martial home in Brentwood, CA. Maria moved out weeks ago, and the two only released a statement because The L.A. Times started to raise a few questions about their relationship. Here’s the statement. Take out a red pen and add in your own puns and references (examples: The Divorcenator, “He won’t be back!,” etc…)

“This has been a time of great personal and professional transition for each of us. After a great deal of thought, reflection, discussion and prayer, we came to this decision together. At this time, we are living apart while we work on the future of our relationship.

We are continuing to parent our four children together. They are the light and the center of both of our lives. We consider this a private matter and neither we nor any of our friends or family will have further comment. We ask for compassion and respect from the media and the public.”

“Nor any of our friends or family will have further comment”?! Say that shit to the 20-year-old intern who is brokering a deal with Radar Online to tell them about how Arnold texted her several pictures of his Austrian crotchwurst before she gave him a handjob underneath the desk during a conference call with Barbara Boxer. Well, the only good that can come from this mess is that we might get updated pictures of (NSFW) Arnold’s peen.