Lindsay Lohan’s Probation Officer Thinks She’s A Drug Addict

Before sentencing Lindsay Lohan to 14 days in her own living room today, Judge Stephanie Sautner said that she doesn’t think the little ginger cokehead is a cokehead at all. Judge Stephanie thinks that deep under her fried freckled skin, she’s got issues that she’s trying to control by self medicating (story of all our lives). Basically, it was Judge Stephanie’s professional way of saying that her parents are a pair of toxic balls of shit. But LiLo’s probation officer disagrees with Judge Stephanie’s diagnosis and wrote in his report that she is definitely a drug addict and substance abuse is the root of all her problems. The probation officer then wrote a list of all the meds that are making their way down LiLo’s throats. The list proves that LiLo could become a champion on the competitive pill popping circuit. The list from 411mania:

Nexium for heartburn!
Yaz for birth control!
Zoloft for depression!
Trazadone for depression!
Zyrtec for allergies!
Doxycycline for a bacterial infection!
Zythromax for a bacterial infection!

The probation officer also wrote that she failed a booze test a month after she was released from Betty Ford. The police also interviewed the staff at several restaurants LiLo visited during her stay at Betty Ford and they all said she enjoyed a glass of the sweet nectar or two.

This only proves that Lindsay Lohan is a completely responsible adult woman! These are harmless pills! If LiLo didn’t take Yaz, she’d probably have one of those “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” moments and birth out a baby in the urinal of some bar’s men’s room. Does humanity really need another Lohan? We all answer NO to that. See, LiLo is thinking of us! As for the antibiotics, you can’t cure chlamydia with a mixture of Cool Mint Listerine and Everclear. Trust me, I’ve tried.