It's A Sad Day In The Enchanted Forest When A Love Affair Between A Gnome And A Giant Ends

Usually the fairytale romance between a New York gnome and a Ukrainian ogre cannot be, but I had hopes that Hayden Panettiere and Wladmir Klitschko would prove everybody wrong. They didn't. The midget Kimber Henry and the Tom Thumb of Eastern Europe have announced that after two years of using free-standing ladders and a boost from strangers to kiss each other on the mouth, they have ended their relationship. Our only hope that troll and giant relations can last forever now solely lies on the shoulders of the Jolly Green Giant and his bottom ho Little Green Sprout.

The end of their love had nothing to do with the fact that Hayden was sick and tired of checking into a doll hospital to have her internal organs arranged in their correct positions every time she fucked on Wladmir. No, the problem was that while she's flying all over the world as a route marker on the Amazing Race, Wladmir is in Europe, punching bitches in the face for a check. It was never going to work. Miss Lollipop Guild of 2011 gave this statement to People about their break up.

"Even though we've decided splitting up is best for both of us, we have an amazing amount of love and respect for each other and remain very close friends.

Wladmir also released his own paragraph of words: "We had a great time together, but it's not that easy to manage a relationship between two continents. I have a lot of respect for Hayden as a person and as a friend, and I believe we'll keep our friendship even after the separation."

This is a sad one for me. When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!

Hayden is obviously not crying over shit, because here she is hanging out with her friends, Pinata Tinkerbell and faceless Mona Lisa, in L.A. yesterday.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Bjork You on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:37pm.

That guy is so fugly, and is that shirt see through?

I miss "Heroes." Sigh.

Submitted by NDNchief on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:35pm.

I'm new to the tribe and all, but, a friend of mine was watching "HEROES" season one marathon on G4. Long story short, he loaded a bowl of the good shit and after a couple of pulls from the bong I found myself watching the whole season in one sitting. Found myself kinda crushin on Hayden P. since then. Now I can delude myself that I have a chance.

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:10pm.

"You know when you watch movies and people are getting chased by police or werewolves or cannibals and one of them stops and leans against a tree with one hand and they're all out of breath then they grab their heart and scream to the others, 'SAVE YOURSELF! DON'T WAIT FOR ME! SAVE YOURSELF!!!' ? Yeah, that's Hayden Panettiere's cervix."

(IDLYITW)

Submitted by sushi on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:10pm.

Two years? Really? Time flies in celebrity love. I think he is way too hot for her.

Submitted by sushi on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:10pm.

Two years? Really? Time flies in celebrity love. I think he is way too hot for her.

Submitted by becky n sydney on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 4:25pm.

At least she didn't get pregnant to Ukranian Gulliver - her Lilliputian birth canal would have exploded trying to pop a mini Wladmir out.

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 3:23pm.

Submitted by OneLiner on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 4:49pm.
what man would want her now? youi her shit is all stretched out and pretty much destroyed....unless he had a tiny peen....?

I was thinking that this morning: The next guy to venture in there will need a strong ego. "Ummm, when Wladmir used to do it, it felt different. Better, really."

Submitted by OneLiner on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 3:19pm.

what man would want her now? youi her shit is all stretched out and pretty much destroyed....unless he had a tiny peen....?????

********* SAVE A LIFE. ADOPT A PET *********

Submitted by Russian River PD on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 3:03pm.

Submitted by Whatever on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 2:50pm.

That dress showing off her chest is not at all flattering.
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What chest?

Submitted by Whatever on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 1:20pm.

That dress showing off her chest is not at all flattering.

Submitted by CandyPerfumeGirl on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:38pm.

Submitted by Fucking_Classy on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:13am.

Everyone in HW has breakups like that. Nobody is ever hurt, nobody gets pissed off, nobody ever cheats - unless there's undeniable proof on the media. And everyone remains bffs after the relationship is over. They're all so much better than us!

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No kidding. I mean seriously, you see these people break up with each other and then they issue some phony statement about how they love and respect the other blah blah blah while in reality they are probably nuking each other and cant stand the other person's gut. Why not just say we have decided to end our relationship. Period. Why make up phony lies? Like someone actually believes them?
...

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"Charlie you fucking bitch, let's work it out" - High Fidelity

A Noun _is a person place or thing_'s picture

Submitted by A Noun _is a pe... on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:36pm.

It looks like she's starting to grow her hair out again. I always wondered if he made her cut it, or did it himself. And then whipped her with it. What?

Submitted by kndall44 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:20pm.

Yay, tall girls rejoice. Its criminal to waste a rare tall guy on a midget girl.

Submitted by Bunnyman on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:17pm.

"punching bitches in the face for a check."

That made me laugh so hard.

I'm sure he likes doing her in the fart box and watching his cum shoot out her nose.

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"There is something the matter with you, Caprice...Something is the matter with YOUR VAGINA!"

Submitted by BlueOrchid on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 12:03pm.

She has the worst chest ever. Terrible.

Submitted by agirl on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 11:05am.

"When a hunk of a Ukrainian man can do ass-to-mouth with you without even pulling out, you make it work!"

^^If this is wrong I don't wanna be right.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:33am.

I am reading up on them, first of all they are a seed, not a fruit, FYI. Also, they put them in havarti! I HAAAATE that!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:31am.

thanks Jersey Girl, they are disgusting!!!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:31am.

CARRAWAY TASTES LIKE ASS BUTTS FUCKING HATE CARRAWAY my mom used to tell me when I was a kid that they make you have awesome shits but they're fucking gross. FUCK YOU CARRAWAY I hate it when I'd bite into a sandwich and those god damn nail like seeds were all over the place. tastes like SHIT.

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:26am.

Snowy - I know exactly what seed you're talking about. I avoid everything bagels because of it. I *think* it's carroway.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by TT99 on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:23am.

She's not looking at him in this pic, she's looking at the ceiling. and she clearly gets off on the novelty of being shorty and the beast.
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Tell me that's not what i know it is-Michael Scofield

Submitted by ben_dover on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:13am.

is the giant wearing a see through shirt? oh yeah honey total fag!

*tell em get in line and kiss your ass MUAH!*

Submitted by TwatsThat on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:12am.

All I know is that I want more Wladimir in my life. I'm sure he's packing an XXL size wand and I want to find out for myself. That he's a sexy foreigner is just a bonus.

Submitted by Crikey on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:01am.

Is it just me or does that HBO background sign look like it belongs on The Price is Right soundstage?

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:59am.

Ugh, yes, anise but I thought carroway too?
anyway, it's on these crackers I bought. I DON'T WANT MY CRACKERS TO TASTE LIKE FUCKING LICORISH!!!!!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:57am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:54am.
what's that seed that tastes like licorish? ugh!
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There's also fennel, which is almost as disgusting.

_________________________
Hand me my shank.

Submitted by BBGemini on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:34am.

Seriously though, if that was your titty situation (shudders), would you continually wear the widest v-neck dresses to display and accentuate it???!!! Who told her that looks okay on her? She might as well go ahead and put on a choker necklace to show off her nearly non-existent neck, then wear some shoes with tall ankle straps to make her legs disappear.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:30am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:54am.
what's that seed that tastes like licorish? ugh!
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Anise

Submitted by yummy_pizza on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:30am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:54am.

what's that seed that tastes like licorish? ugh!

I think you're speaking of Anise. Ack.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:24am.

what's that seed that tastes like licorish? ugh!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:23am.

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:32am.

Ha ha ha ha! "splitting firewood". I like the Paul Bunyan motif.

_________________________
Hand me my shank.

Submitted by yummy_pizza on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:19am.

GAH! GymNAST fucking body. She reminds me of Kerri Strug and all those other triangle shaped chipmunks.

Submitted by precociousmagpie on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:19am.

It cheers me to know that this dwarf's "career" hangs by a thread. (Can somebody snip that thing, please?) The only thing she's been known for over the past year or more is dating a very tall person. Who will she target next, a really fat guy? Someone with large hair? (Suggested: Chaz Bono, Carrot Top.)

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Hand me my shank.

Submitted by BBGemini on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:18am.

Actually, her exotic chest-cave is what attracted the giant. It's basically a large cum-bowl, so, easy clean up of his gigantoid spooge explosion! But "deep throating" isn't impressive if your neck is only 3/4" long, so he's tossing the midget. (Check out the last thumbnail)

I'm glad they broke up because MK's descriptions of their "relations" are as nauseating as they are funny.

Submitted by Smokey Kitteh on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:17am.

@RustyHooligan

Thank you! I find this to be as bad as strapless shirts/dresses combined with bras that aren't. But celebs do that shit all the time and it just looks stupid to me.

Submitted by guest on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:15am.

The other nite the judge dismissed all of the jurors cuz a woman from equisearch had been chosen & they were all discussing how she had killed Caylee. As soon as the judge found out he started the entire selection process over again.

"as am I..."

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:15am.

Submitted by Smokey Kitteh on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:38am.
Is it so difficult for a person to put on a nude or white bra underneath their white shirts? Am I so damn old that I'm missing some fashion statement or something? Seriously, I see this shit everywhere and was wondering if it's the 'in' thing now or if it's still just dress code for whores.

Yes! I always say that I'm old enough that I recall when letting your underwear show meant you'd get mocked.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:13am.

louise - still picking jurors. Trial is supposed to "Start" May 17th with 20 jurors. 12 seated, 8 alternates.

Submitted by Happy Hour on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:11am.

Whatever with the respect and love. You broke up!!!

Don't ask me if I know or care about the existence of my ex boyfriends.

Submitted by guest on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:09am.

Weezy...Nancy Grace says jur-ars. And she says it over & over & over again. Gah.

"as am I..."

Submitted by Smokey Kitteh on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:08am.

Is it so difficult for a person to put on a nude or white bra underneath their white shirts? Am I so damn old that I'm missing some fashion statement or something? Seriously, I see this shit everywhere and was wondering if it's the 'in' thing now or if it's still just dress code for whores.

Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:03am.

Jesus KennethG...that was comedy gold. brilliant!

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"Fuck that guy for thinking anybody and everybody should want to do Glee." - Dave Grohl

Submitted by louise_brooks on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:03am.

Has the Casey Anthony trial started yet or are they still picking jurors?

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:02am.

DWM, Louise, guest - IDK if he's still a druggie. Probably. I don't think he can stay clean.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:02am.

I hope Casey Anthony fries...

On topic: Hayden is giving the lesbot vibe with that hair situation. She needs to get her cheerleader hair back.. or be a lesbot. I won't judge.

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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."

*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-

Submitted by Datura on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:02am.

He's kind of nice looking. I'd expected him to have a face like one of those tree creatures in Lord of the Rings.

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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. --michelleb

Submitted by RustyHooligan on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 9:02am.

"Even though sex was like splitting firewood for both of us, we have an amazing amount of soreness and remain very close friends, insofar as two people with a three-foot height difference can ever be close."

Submitted by guest on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 8:59am.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:20am.

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No I hadn't heard about that. Creepy. He kinda has a Jesse James vibe about him imo.

Off topic: Nancy Grace works my last nerve to the very core but she's the only one going on & on about Casey Anthony.

"as am I..."

Submitted by louise_brooks on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 8:58am.

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:25am.

The bigger question is why are we thinking so much about Hayden's titty situation. lol
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Because it's the most interesting thing about this story.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 8:56am.

Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:22am.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 05/12/2011 - 10:20am.
OT - anyone else hear about Tom Siezmore's missing girlfriend? The cops won't say whether or not he's a suspect, but she was last seen with him.

Been missing since March 31.

*shudders*

Holy shit! That is scary. I'm assuming he is still as fucked up as he was before his VH1 show.
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Very scary. He's got a history of violence against his girlfriends, too.