Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Everybody’s Secret Father

Because Dr. Quinn, medicine woman, knows all, Jane Seymour was one of the first to say The Sperminator spawned at least two more secret love children and she wouldn’t be surprised if there’s more out there (cue up The X-Files theme). According to biographer Ian Halperin, there are more mini Ahnolds in the world who can bench press 100lbs with their eyeballs and rip a onesie just by flexing their baby biceps. Basically, when Arnold wasn’t groping on anything with lady nipples, he was spraying his load everywhere.

Ian tells the Daily Mail that he has spoken to six women who claim that Mildred Baena isn’t the only side piece whose eggs got turned into Schwarzeneggs (sorry for that). Ian goes on to explain, “You’re going to see a plethora of other women come out of the woodwork.”

The Daily Mail piece also claims that Arnold never gets down with “gorgeous women” because he doesn’t want to be upstaged by their beauty and needs his women to worship him. Arnold has forever been Austria’s biggest man whore and he sees most women as objects who are only here to give his ego an erection.

What I’m learning about all of this is that if reincarnation exists, Arnold will definitely be reincarnated into a male seahorse in an ocean of female seahorses. Arnold will become the Michelle Duggar of male seahorses. I’m also learning that this is turning out to be exactly like the Tiger Woods saga. But instead of cocktail waitresses selling their gross stories to The National Enquirer, we’re about to get a dozen “Yup, I’m Arnie’s secret love child too!” covers of American Baby Magazine.

If the #1 item on Arnie’s cum bucket list is to go into the Guinness Book of World Records as the slut who has heard Maury say the words “You ARE the father!!!” the most times, then bitch is well on his way to achieving that goal.