Selena Gomez And Justin Bieber Take Their Love To Hawaii

Most 17-year-olds take their girlfriends on a romantic vacation to his backyard fort where he laid down a blanket his mom bought at the Tijuana border and blocked the opening with a discarded door so the dog can’t get in, but not the most famous yodeling fetus in the world! As the evil villain that is puberty watched Justin Bieber from afar while saying under its breath, “HA! Not going hit that today,” he strolled through Maui yesterday afternoon with his girlfriend Selena Gomez.

If Selena is only sticking her hand into the bassinet to steal gold from the hand of Baby Bieber, then pedo on, you cradle robbing gold digger, pedo on. But if she’s with Justin Bieber for a reason other than that, then I must delete every one of her songs from my iTunes playlist*.

Justin and Selena are on vacation together, which means they are probably staying in the same room, which means they are probably sleeping in the same bed, which means she probably doesn’t mind when he wets the bed during a pee pee dream. SUCIA! We’ll have to start calling her S. Kelly from now on!

And if all of this wasn’t creepy enough for you, here’s the Bieb’s newest perfume commercial:

* I have paid for and downloaded several Selena Gomez songs, so I obviously lack better judgement and good decision making skills. Disregard every word I have written in this post.