When Twilight Gay FanFiction Comes To Life
There was a good reason for why Kristen Stewart's hair last night looked like it got attacked by a family of rabid raccoons who were trying to get to the Funyun bits in her mop that landed there after RPattz threw the bag at her when she finished up the last joint. Because I'm pretty sure both RPattz and Kristen Stewart were inhaling the good shit behind a bush right before the MTV Movie Awards (aka The Let's Jack Off The Cast Of Twilight Awards) last night.
When RPattz and Kristen won the Golden Cup of Dingles Award for Best Kiss, they stumbled around uncomfortably the same way I do when a one-night fuck partner puts the fun on pause to say he's going to use "the little boy's room" (Note: Don't bring up little boys when you're doing big boy stuff).
Then RPattz suddenly remembered his lines and frolicked into the audience to plant a totally staged kiss on Taylor Lautner. The sparkly vamp on llama wolf kiss actually dimmed the gay rumors that swirl around Taylor Lautner, because that shit was about as erotic as the sight of Nutty Madam scrubbing the Twicream out of her Edward Cullen panties in the guest bathroom sink. But I'm sure it still made thousands of 13-year-old Twihards sign up for the vampire chapter of PFlag. Clip (via Rickey) below:
But RPattz didn't stop there! During a tribute to Reese Witherspoon (HA!) with Chelsea Handler and Patrick Dempsey, RPattz gave a speech you usually see from the drunk best man at a wedding (fuck bomb included). It was like watching a train full of glitter vodka and grease teeter off the rails and slowly crash into a rubber chin factory.
Getting bombed to drop a fuck bomb at the MTV Movie Awards is the best thing RPattz has ever done.
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Submitted by A.cotw on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 4:30pm.
That is curious, and it does pose an interesting question: Are we more offended by the substance involved, the person imbibing or the ensuing behavior?
How would we feel if Blohan was a happy drunk sitting quietly?
Or if Kristen Stewart (for instance) was a stumbling, out of control stoner?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmYWGjFFs4k
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Holy Shit On a Cracker!
This was actually pretty damn funny. I thought Rpatz had like no personality.
Well played, extremely effeminate man.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 4:24pm.
Hey Becky. For some reason, the idea of someone being blissed out due to rare herbs and spices does not offend me, but the sight of tramps like Lindsay Lohan stumbling drunk does. Is that weird?
Congrats to Kristen Stewart for finally managing to smile.
OK, it was the smile of a euphoric stoner - but hey, small steps!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmYWGjFFs4k
Taylor Lautner should never, ever smile again. So strange looking.
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Golden Shower Girls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bq0Jr2VwlUY
Does Kristin Stewart have ANY self confidence? She walks awkwardly (and the flats make it look even more awkward) and then her body language is so bad. Her speaking is just terrible - just like in every movie she has ever been in.
The only reason RPatz looks good in Twilight and Harry Potter is the makeup jobs. EXCELLENT makeup jobs. Out of makeup, he is a hot mess.
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"Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha." - MK
Sorry,hussies. I laughed because Rpatt was higher than a kite, and for some reason I find inappropriate language amusing. I can't figure out why that boy looked hot in the Harry Potter film and so odd now. It looks like a birth defect.
As for Kristen Stewart, I don't hate her because she was so good as Joan Jett,and in two other indies.Also,the most vocal fans of the Twilight movies are fucking annoying. Just imagining the hordes of screaming people these people face is chilling.If a creature like Nutty came anywhere near me, I'd harpoon it. With a crossbow.
I have not seen Twilight, and only lasted 20 pages into the book.
My two cents:
RPatz - (sigh) I can't help it, I find him absolutely sexy, and I do think he is a good actor. He seems like the type who will become better with age (looks-wise and career-wise.) Like most men, I guess.
KStew - She is gorgeous in the face, but she exudes ZERO self confidence, so her sexy factor is virtually non-existent. She can also be a good actress if she chooses better roles. She's not great right now, but she's not awful. And for fuck's sake, such killer stems and she wears those heinous shoes.
Taylor - For some reason, he strikes me as a real class act for someone so young. But his beefcake status is eclipsing any chance he might have of being a "serious" actor.
Just my thoughts - happy Dlisting.
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"It amazes me how special people think they are because they've had a baby. Really? I try not to pat myself on the back for doing anything that an average h
I'd hit 'em both till they limp. Pattinson was actually pretty adorkable doing the first film but then Miss Pissypants seems to have school him in how to look like an ungrateful shit instead of someone who is truly shy and humble. Lautner seems like a really nice kid and he busted ass to keep his role when they wanted to recast. Can't hate on the work ethic.
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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma
I'm so pissed that the whole music and movie industry seems to only cater to prepubescent kids and braindead teenagers without any taste whatsoever nowadays. The same awkward 'are they or aren't they gonna kiss'-egg dance just like last year with those two stupid fucks who don't know how to act their way out of a paper bag even if their lives would depend on it. That Bieber pest and all those other shitheads.
♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬
Rrridiaouw woo oo rrri-ou!
Submitted by Bree on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 12:01pm.
If Rob acted his age, he could have the same going for him. Kristen, on the other hand...I don't even have words. Just her attitude in itself makes me want to drag her by her hair.
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Oh God, YES. KIRSTEN. GIRL. I know you're in Twilight and that's a bummer but you're rich, you lead a relatively carefree life, you have NO REASON to look miserable all the fucking time.
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 11:28am.
That is EXACTLY it! I could never phrase it so eloquently :) Kind of like Johnny Rzeznik (GooGoo Dolls), in my opinion. Not conventionally hot, but because he is so gifted and so intelligent then that charming fug becomes a weird sort of hot?
If Rob acted his age, he could have the same going for him. Kristen, on the other hand...I don't even have words. Just her attitude in itself makes me want to drag her by her hair.
Taylor Lautner's face always looks as if he just smelled something very foul. I don't get the appeal of any of these critters, but that's just me.
That kiss probably made Shark-Boy's life. Now if only he'd come out...
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Shiitake happens...
I think Rpatz and Kristen Stewart would be a lot sexier if they didn't act like a bunch of spoiled, shitty, snot-nosed 13-year-olds. Shit, I saw the same level of maturity in middle school.
Rpatz has that kind of weird ugly/beautiful face that if he had an iota of charm, warmth or sophistication, most of us hos would probably find him sexy. But since he's stumbling around acting like an immature, ungrateful little stankass, he just ends up looking like a flatfaced dork. Grow up, HO. You can't act anyway so be grateful for your stupid franchise.
And I tried to like Kristen Stewart for at least not dying her hair blonde or acting like a bimbo but...I am starting to really dislike this glum cunt. I still think she's very pretty and has a great body, but she acts like her stink don't shit. And if fucking DOES, bitch!
Given that this nutty British blob went berzirk over that far from surprising trailer, I wonder what she's gonna do when she sees this.
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Who are you calling silly cow?
Submitted by hoganbcmj on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 10:26am.
Hatin'on what's popular is mainstream, I guess.
To be fair, Rob annoys me. SOME PEOPLE SAY that outside of Twilight he can actually act his way out of a paper bag (and they'd say the same for Kirsten) but I've yet to see evidence of that. I think he's as interesting as a bland piece of day-old noodle and his insistence on looking like a hobo to red carpets and being all hipstery above-this-fuckery, bite-the-hand-that-feeds-you (granted, it's a poorly written, poorly acted sexist Mormon housewife fantasy hand, but it still made him what he is) gets old fast. Plus he probably smells.
Having said that, I'd hit it. *shrug* and I'd gladly watch him and Sharkboy go at it as well. I have low standards.
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 10:03am.
Yep, he's the little kid. Making me feel ooooold.
Submitted by hoganbcmj on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 10:26am.
Isn't it kind of tired and over to be calling Pattinson unattractive?
It's even more tired listening to brain-dead 12 year old fan girls like you drool over him.
Christ RPattz has a fucking FLAT face.
I'm so glad MK called them out for being high as a kite, I turned to my fiance last night and I was like, "What the hell is wrong with these two? They are either really immature or really effin high" but honestly it's probably a combination of the two.
Rob was actually pretty funny during the award for Reese, but I hate seeing these two together on stage. They are very fortunate for having a film series that makes them SO MUCH MONEY and so many fans considering they aren't that great at acting, at all but neither of them seem to be appreciative, Kristen in particular. She's always talking about how she hates her fame blah blah blah when this is the ONLY thing she's famous for because the rest of her films suck just as much as her acting.
And not to be a priss, but Kristen actually looked kinda decent between her neck and her knees and then I saw those shoes and thought WTF? Come on, girl.
I think people with those little scars left over from repaired cleft palates have a little extra sexy. I can't explain it, but it is so.
It makes Joaquin sexy hotttt; although I know has has an objectionable personality in real life, he's still extra appealing because of it.
Isn't it kind of tired and over to be calling Pattinson unattractive? It's like when too many people express the same opinion, we have some knee-jerk reaction which causes us to say the exact opposite. I used to be totally on the "he's not THAT hot" bandwagon, but then I went back and watched the Harry Potter movie he was in. Dude was cute as hell in that movie.
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Work it lads! Damn!!!!
My favorite part was when Rob finished smooching him, Taylor wiped Rob's slob off his face. Hilarious
I have no doubt Rob was wasted.
RPattz had some of that good shit before the award show. He was fucking up left and right all night long.
Submitted by Kerfuffles on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:58am.
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:36am.
Lautner. He looks like a shark. Also he played a character named Sharkboy when he was a little kid, like a million years ago in 2005.
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Sharkboy and Lavagirl? Haha,i remember that mess. Had no idea that was him....
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:36am.
Lautner. He looks like a shark. Also he played a character named Sharkboy when he was a little kid, like a million years ago in 2005.
I have two nephews who were born with a cleft palate. You can hardly tell except for a teensy, tiny scar which is one of the many things that make American doctors so miraculous. A cleft palate that is NOT surgically treated is tragic:
http://www.keykidfoundation.org/facefix/KyranPalubon1d.jpg :(
People with surgically repaired cleft palates will still (99% of the time) have a slight speech impediment (mostly lispy and or nasally). Joaquín Phoenix overcame his cleft palate speech impediment but he *does* still have a slightly nasal speaking voice. He's a total love and considering his family history and surviving a cult of sickos...he's all good in my book of angels and demons.
RPattz is just unsexy. Period. When I imagine him naked I want to quickly put his clothes back on and cry. YUCK.
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Pattinson is one unfortunate looking bastard. why do little girls and old lady weirdos dig that dude? does his fugness make him more relatable? looks like a cross between Herman Munster and Eddie Munster. poor bastard.
nobody looked good in the 5 seconds of that rubbish i saw last night - but HD is extra hard on ugly motherfuckers
I was working and cutting soundbites from this glittery-twatlight fest.
When Robert Pattinson dropped an F-bomb, the entire news room exploded in laughter.
And suddenly he looked 700 times more attractive to me. I don't know whether it was the drunkenness or how he said, "fuck yuh."
We goin' nutty-madam style twi-hard now, bitches.
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you seem spritely.
watch me rant: http://www.youtube.com/user/gineriella
Who is Sharkboy? I dont get it.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
Heh, Pattinson I would hit. It's Sharkboy who creeps me out. Those eyes... those are not natural.
ubmitted by Abby Normal on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:26am.
Uncle Brain-fart,
Please don't hate on people with cleft palates. It's a congenital deformity and nothing to be laughed at in a deriding manner. There but fore the grace of God go we all.
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Abby, my comment wasnt meant to be mean. Simply observing. Believe me, the last thing you would catch me doing is making fun of people with physical or mental disabilities.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
but.seriously, a lot of the chicks I used to talk to at school thought he was gorgeous, and when Id ask them why, they couldnt come up with an answer.
Cuz hes really not! lol
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Just sayin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFjyAOq341U&feature=channel_video_title
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:17am.
And Kristen Stewart? Is she in need of primal scream therapy? Because she seems anesthestized all the time.
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hey, hey, hey!... i'm not gonna defend Stewart,('cause she's horrible in EVERY way!) but.... there is something(calming, and beautiful!) to be said about being anesthetized all the time!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FbwPRsQCHp8&feature=related
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
Uncle Brain-fart,
Please don't hate on people with cleft palates. It's a congenital deformity and nothing to be laughed at in a deriding manner. There but fore the grace of God go we all.
A kid i went to school with had cleft lip/palade and his profile was similar to Pattersons. I tried to get a good look at his nose, he may have been born with something like that, my classmate`s nose was kinda wonky, too.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
When I look at Taylor Lautner now all I can see is his fat, crazy dad. Also did he sniff his fingers after the kiss?
"Dancing's how I say the things I want to say."
Well, I like her dress. But I would only wear black shoes with it cuz I'm poor. She doesn't have that excuse!
♥ Threadkilla!
EveryStrangersEyes long lost baby video uncovered!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAQra8wJ0ws (thanks sugarfreeredbull:)
Girls watch porn too!:
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Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 8:56am.
Reese Witherspoon lecturing today's starlets about pussy bombing the internet with nekkid pics and sex tapes. Then the camera panned to Blake Lively.
Ha! One review said she missed an opportunity to comment on it. I first figured the leaked pix were arranged by her camp; now, judging from her apparent embarrassment, I'm not sure.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 8:26am.
oh here we go MTV once again pushing its homo agenda to children, when is this gonna end? We sink to Hell a little more each day.
__________________________
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buwwwwwwwwwwhahahahahahahaa
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Oh my God, that feels great!
Submitted by Genny18 on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 8:24am.
that profile view in the 2nd vid...
who hit him with a shovel?
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Exactly. I don't get what is supposed to be sexy about this mess of man.
At least the werewolf kid is kinda cute with a hot lil bod. And Kristen Stewart? Is she in need of primal scream therapy? Because she seems anesthestized all the time.
Submitted by lilac wine on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 8:54am.
All three of the Twilight "stars" look inbred.
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Agreed! Especially that Lautner creep.
OMG, I wanted to pucnh both of these kids in the face last night. Their people need to enroll them in social interaction school ASAP! There is no reason that Kristen girl should be fumbling and fidgeting around like that unless she has Parkinsons Disease or something! How are you an actor/actress but your ass can't even speak in complete sentences in social settings? I don't get it.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
Submitted by Uncle Brain-fart on Mon, 06/06/2011 - 9:07am.
Patterson has to be one of the most unattractive men out there. He looks like he hit a wall at 30 mph. Somehow he also manages to always look like he smells of B. O. , dick-cheese and clothes left wet in the washer for 5 days.
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it's the K-Fed school of personal hygiene that i blame!
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"I could listen to a babbling brook,
and hear a song that I could understand.
I keep wishing it could be that way.
Because my world would be a Wonderland."
I bet there's an awkward silence between Team Jacob and Team Edward this morning LOL.
I'd say I can't wait for this Twilight crap to be over but EW is already hard at work pimping Hunger Games (whatever that is) to take it's place.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
HOw hard is it to keep your mouth closed!!! I hate her mouth breather self.
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
Patterson has to be one of the most unattractive men out there. He looks like he hit a wall at 30 mph. Somehow he also manages to always look like he smells of B. O. , dick-cheese and clothes left wet in the washer for 5 days.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs