Somebody Didn't Stop The Presses In Time
Above is the official wedding announcement of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris that will hit newsstands on Friday even though she hit the kill switch on their wedding. The staff at the Playboy Mansion will have to keep several freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh's bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias while staring at his pant-less ex-bride on the cover of his magazine. The cover needed to come out, though.
You now know why Crystal's dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal's chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don't have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.
In other failed digger news, Crystal told Ryan Gaycrest on his KIIS-FM show this morning that contrary to Hef's Twitter tears, he didn't really want to get married again. Hef was only marrying Crystal because he thought that's what she wanted and he's relieved he won't be a husband again. Crystal says she realized the Playboy lifestyle is not for her and she wants to focus on her music career. Coincidentally (served inside of a sarcasm empanada), Crystal's new single came out the same day as the news of her break-up with Hef.
Crystal is definitely a failed gold digger but I can't accuse her of being a failed stunt queen. What all of us saw as true love was nothing but a publicity stunt to her. Bitch gave herself away by saying that she can't hang with the Playboy lifestyle. When you meet your known whore husband during a barely legal orgy, you know what you're getting yourself into.
And I don't believe that Hef won't get married again. I'm sure he's already visited a local nursery to put a few future brides on hold just in case he makes it to 103.
• 
I just keep getting stuck on the AMERICA'S PRINCESS part of that mag title...ahahahahahahahah lololololol ahahahahahahahaha
I mean since when has any centerfold of Playboy been considered AMERICA'S PRINCESS????? ahahahahahahahalololololahahahahahaha
Never that's when.
Submitted by letinstar on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:33pm.
the dog looks mortified...
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Yes, he looks like he's seen a thousand horrors :(
Right. Because you can't be married and have a career at the same time.
This gold diggin who-are just doesn't get it. She has nothing now. Nobody wants to hear her screeching and pretending to be Brooke Hogan.
Even with a pre-nup all she had to do was wait until he got sick and then loot the house and bank accounts, get a power of attorney/new will/etc.
Tricks today are stoopid.
Well, seeing as how Hef is the Prince of darkness, it's conceivable that CRYSTAL (not Tiffany, not Champagne, not Cartier, not Goldie....not Ho'-Nastie) Could be a princess.
*chanting as always*
How the fuck is she America's Princess?
America's Hagball Suck Champion maybe, but princess? Nyet.
Eh, I give it three weeks before his next bought-and-paid-for 12-year-old Barbie wannabe is in place.
"...freshly waxed 18-year-olds near Hugh's bedside so he can dry his sad tears on their labias..."
Ewwww 'meat hankies'
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Rod & The Faces Maybe I'm Amazed
Ultimately one can only wonder what the real dynamics at play are and why this story even resonates had it not been for the fact that the starring characters involve an octogenerian looking for his last hurrah into the sunset and that of a young woman who suddenly saw past the shiny lights and confetti.
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2011/06/why-did-crystal-harris-and-hugh-...
The cav is so cute but America's Princess? Really reaching there.
Submitted by You_Complete_Me. on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:33pm.
Hef apparently does not like the brunette variety of plastic princess. So, not only is his Gold-Bond ass sexist; it is obviously hairist as well
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Actually, he had a brief brunette phase, years ago: Barbi Benton
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0072902/
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Reste
Music career? LOL!
BOSSY---It was supposed to be this Saturday
Submitted by spankypants: "Dr. Phil's youngest son already got fired from a job at a recording studio for messing around with the staff."
SEriously, Dr. Phil has the nerve to give parenting advice when his sons have turned out to be such douchers.
The older one got engaged (to a Plastic much like "America's Princess" here) without telling his parents. They tried to spin it like they had raised such an independent young man, etc., but it was a huge "fuck YOU" in my opinion.
And the younger one wounds WAY worse. Little fucker. I bet they had to throw a ton of money around to keep him out of trouble when he was in school.
Yeah, you guys did a great job raising those boys. I'll gladly take your advice if I want my kids marrying WHORES.
Does anyone know when their alleged wedding was supposed to take place?
Dr. Phil's youngest son already got fired from a job at a recording studio for messing around with the staff.
I hate Hefner and any thing associated to him.
You now know why Crystal's dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal's chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don't have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice. Charlie is always looking at the birdie. So now we know why.
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MK you bitch, you could have just left this fucked up image in the confines of your own mind but instead you had to write it out for the world to see...another keyboard ruined and another $5 lunch yacked up! Who needs Jenny fucking Craig when you have Dlisted? :p
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
More like, America's Abscess.
amirite?
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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga
Loki is that you?
Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 1:18pm.
Hmmm, I may have to swipe this issue from Hubby's stash once it arrives, so I too can Go Broke the Nic Cage Way.
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That's easy! Blow all your millions on hookers and coke, and then use shitty accountants who do a bad job of evading the long arm of the IRS.
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""There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular." - Lady Gaga
How to you spell prostitute?
Hmmm, I may have to swipe this issue from Hubby's stash once it arrives, so I too can Go Broke the Nic Cage Way.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
"America's Princess"? Are you kidding me? *snicker*
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"She squatted on the tip and she's never been the same since." -MK, 6/8/11
Yawn, this picture is boring. The dog is cute though. The entire situation feels orchestrated as all hell.
...My darling can't you see
My heart sounds just for you my dear...
Submitted by Provolone on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:22pm.
I'm sure plenty have been called cunt, ho, slut, etc. among other things too during the process. Do you plan on writing to MK to ask him to rename "Hot Slut of the Day"? Just asking.
At first glance I thought that was Kendra. Somewhere over Las Vegas, you can still hear Holly Madison's laughter...
How often do they use that wood-paneled wall, leather chair theme? There's probably a pool table somewhere too.
focus on her music career?!?!?! Oh God, not another one!
I actually thought that was Kendra on the cover...all those damn blondes look the same.
+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+<>+
"Would you like a jelly baby?"
Fucking priceless.
"You now know why Crystal's dog Charlie refuses to look down. The last time he looked down, he witnessed Hef trying to fish his lost dentures out of Crystal's chocha with his gums. It was like watching a grouper eat a ham sammy and Charlie has never looked down again. Down does not exist to Charlie. You don't have to tell Charlie to look at the birdie twice."
Further proof that MK is at his wicked best when describing doggie reactions to human sex.
guest, I had 11% body fat. It was crazy. I could do the plank exercise - hold it for 6 1/2 minutes.
I was in a LeAnn Rimes phase.....she is fucking lying her ugly face off when she tells you she is healthy and a normal weight. :)
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I thank you for the kindness, and the times when you got tough
And Papa, I don't think I said "I love you" near enough
6/1942-7/2010
EMB...how many sit ups a day to have that tummy?
M.E. I used to have that doggy & we thought she was a COCKer (lol) & docked her tail! Derp.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Down does not exist to Charlie.
ha ha hah ha h
So.... The Ultimate Bomb Shelter in is her ass?
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
*fun
guest, i was just about to write that. :)
I am sure her abs are photoshopped, but I remember when mine looked that way for real. :(
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I thank you for the kindness, and the times when you got tough
And Papa, I don't think I said "I love you" near enough
6/1942-7/2010
Guest - Damn you. Ruining my fucn with your fancy doggie knowledge.
PffffffffffffffffffffffffT!
Nooo...M.E.....it's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel!!!! :p
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Hef apparently does not like the brunette variety of plastic princess. So, not only is his Gold-Bond ass sexist; it is obviously hairist as well.
<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
I am not here to fight. I am here to make love.
the dog looks mortified...
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Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve and Talent...
Submitted by SpiceDong on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:27pm.
her abs look MANly to me.
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I bet her abs are photoshopped.
That poor COCKerspaniel.
If that's America's princess I'm America's anus.
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What a friend I have in jesus, I can say that
honestly. He's not like all my other friends who really don't care about me.
I keep looking at that chair and wondering how many years of bacteria growth is built up on that leather.
Why is she wearing a bra and no panties? Can't her luscious yellow yarn hair cover up her nipples?
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:25pm.
Is it me or is she a little "Kendraish" in the face?
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I noticed that too M.E.
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"Bitch, your pancakes look fine to me."
*swoon* at DWM... such a BITCH! by Jack-n-the-
*stares at pinky toes* arrrrrrgh I hate pinky toes!whats up with her left foot...on the top...like disconnected or some shit. so weird!!!!
Coma Caca!
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LOLOLOL @ the expression on the doggy's face!
Submitted by Provolone on Wed, 06/15/2011 - 12:22pm.
Can you people refrain from the use of the word "bitch"? Some woman was called that while being domestically abused. Think of them next time you use it. : (
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Thank you Provolone for standing up for what is RIGHT. I don't like the word bitch either, really turns up the heat on my private hell!!!!!
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.