The Tale Of How Bristol Palin Lost Her Virginity
Excerpts from Bristol Palin's autobiography titled Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (Working Title: Northern Sexposure) are starting to leak like the broken condom that turned her into America's most famous knocked up teenager, and it looks like we've all got something in common with her! We all got our cherry plucked (or ass cherry plucked in some cases) while completely tanked on life's classiest semi-alcoholic syrup: wine coolers!
Bristol writes that during a camping trip with Levi Johnston and their friends, she got hit by the drunk stick from drinking wine coolers and when she woke up the next morning, her hymen reside was all over his peen. Bristol didn't remember a thing. If only Paul Revere was there to wake Bristol up and warn her that Levi was a comin'. Cut to Whoopi Goldberg saying, "It wasn't RAPE rape." UsWeekly has a piece:
Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, "talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas."When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn't have sex again until they were married.
But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after. When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps; it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.
Palin's parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive. They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education. Johnston's reaction was less comforting. "Better be a fucking boy," he told her.
After Bristol birthed out Tripp, she found out that Levi was plugging his Alaskan pipeline into several whores. They broke up for good when Bristol found that Levi put a baby in another girl and named him Bentley, which was Tripp's original name. And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.
So basically, before Bristol got jaw surgery turning her into the image of what Punky Brewster would look like if she was adopted by the Kardashians, she was Quinn Fabray from Glee? That means Levi Johnston is like Puck! Well, if you replaced Puck's looks, body and swagger with old moose meat, douche icicles and rocks. Who knew that Bristol's teenage life was produced by Ryan Murphy?
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Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 6:36pm.
Second, wine coolers? Really? Honey, you'd get sick long before you got drunk, and you'd NEVER get drunk enough to black out.
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Oh shit. TRUTH.
I hadn't even thought of that.
Bristol is a lying liar who lies. About her chin and everything else. Got that from her mama, who had been a grandma for a while before Tripp was born.
Was there ever a confirmation that her new sister-in-law is pregnant? They sure are a fertile bunch.
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:28pm.
Smartarse.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:07pm.
Perhaps Tentfuck Palin should have called the kid "Fib" because she probably faked her orgasm.
Ouch!! *shaking hand like it's hot*
What the fuck is that blob on his finger?
Submitted by Dog on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:23pm.
Huzzah!
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Just sayin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFjyAOq341U&feature=channel_video_title
Clarence Clemmons has died after suffering a stroke.
Sads.
http://www.tmz.com/2011/06/18/clarence-clemons-died-dies-dead-saxophonis...
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Yeah, Fuck it.
Submitted by Genny18 on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:19pm.
I vote for DOG! Unless you're fraggle/satan lol
^^^^^
Not a chance, honey. Dog I am and Dog is all I've been and will ever be.
Don't worry, folks. Not trying to ramp up any hate. Just making sure everyone is aware of Pip NOT changing despite her protestations to the contrary.
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
It's the same fucking story 10 times over..."I was on the pill & I GOT PREGNANT!!!" Ummm no you weren't or you weren't taking it right. I had sex as a teen (who doesn't?) and was on the pill and guess what...didn't get pregnant!!! **shock gasp**
I fucking hate the Palins more than anything on this PLANET!!
If I could live on the MOON to get away from them & the Duggars and all the other Christian ding-bats I WOULD!!!
am i the only one who finds it seriously tacky that she put this in her "book?"
I vote for DOG! Unless you're fraggle/satan lol
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Just sayin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFjyAOq341U&feature=channel_video_title
Wait, do they even make wine coolers anymore? I haven't seen one in a supermarket in like 20 years, seriously. Do they still have wine coolers in Alaska but not other parts of the country?
I see Pip is up to her old trick of deleting her posts so why don't I put it back for her? Nice try, asshole. Here we go.
Submitted by Schlong on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:02pm.
"Interesting. Kind of makes you wonder what the point of feminism is when you're fighting to be something besides what nature made you."
THIS.
This.
THIS.
And a hair flip with an AMEN.
I'm not built like a man. I'm not equipped like a man (with abs and rocket science ready for blast-off) and I cannot EVER do the job of a MAN. *gasp*
You know what I can do?
I can sing
I can write song lyrics
I can write poetry
I can make fonts (with a lot of blood, sweat and tears)
I can dance
I can barley work with the fuckery that is Microsoft
I'm an asshole who sometimes makes ALts to protect myself
I am the person that everyone seeks in a crisis and I don't have that 'go-to' person for myself.
That was a lotta "I'" eh?
Yeah.
When you gang up on me? You get the opposite reaction from me...
I just want to stay.
But, maybe that is your ill intent?
I would love to log in here and just be nice, because that's all I truly want to do. My hidden agenda is to make all of you realize we are retards and morns and idiots oh my...
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
Schlong/Fraggle/Pip/whateverthefuck
You just cannot stand it when attention isn't on you, can you? Do you ever leave here or even just shut up for five minutes?
Newsflash: no one gives a crap. You are played out and outted. You are also dead boring.
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
So is she claiming Levi date raped her? From wine coolers? I didn't think it was possible to get passed out drunk from wine coolers.
FUCK. THESE. PEOPLE.
GAHHH!!!
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
Submitted by Anonymoussss on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 7:00pm.
Wait - didn't she also claim she called her kid Trip because he was conceived on a Trip, just like her Mom called one of her kids Track because they loved to run track? (I am not making this up). So could this camping trip be when the kid was conceived? If she was date raped, why name your kid after the event? Why commemorate a rape? Fishy fishy.
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Perhaps Tentfuck Palin should have called the kid "Fib" because she probably faked her orgasm. :)
To anyone who thinks this story has a shred of truth to it: The abstinence-only campaign is paying her bills right now. This revisionist personal history fits right into her hypocritical bullshit narrative and allows Candies or whoever to save a little face ("It's not my fault I had sex, it was the wine cooler black-out!)
The abstinence only campaign hurts people. It leads girls who had consensual sex to have shame induced regrets and subsequent justifications - including fuzzy pseudo-rape allegations. Which, of course hurts the boys who had sex with them. It's also a huge slap in the face to actual date rape victims.
Oh, and these abstinence only adherents are less likely to use birth control when they inevitably have sex, so - surprise, surprise - litte Twig or whatever the hell his name is, is born.
Submitted by RichBitch on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:46pm.
Wait: I dint say that; I was quoting someone. But your point is well taken.
Proof.
Wait - didn't she also claim she called her kid Trip because he was conceived on a Trip, just like her Mom called one of her kids Track because they loved to run track? (I am not making this up). So could this camping trip be when the kid was conceived? If she was date raped, why name your kid after the event? Why commemorate a rape? Fishy fishy.
Submitted by Tigerlilly on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 6:05pm.
Forgive me if this has been said, but her narrative of her and Levi's first time reads like ultra conservative, right wing, white trash porn...
"Well, me bein' all innocent and all, how my mama and daddy raised me...I said to my boyfriend who I trusted with all my christian heart...'what's these wine cooler things...Ain't wine Devil's water?' And then the man who I loved and trusted more than my favorite hounddog, which Pa had to put down due to rabies, said to me..."Naw, the 'cooler' part scares the devil off"...So, I done figured them wine coolers was like the punchbowl at church...and my throat was mighty parched....
All the sudden I felt woozy...and the man I loved was a ravenous wolf...He was not the man I loved but an unChristian evil wizard who thrust his wand into my delicate south blossom OVER AND OVER AGAIN...I wanted him to stop...God knows I did, but the devil's brew seized my tongue...and forced it down, down, down on the evil wizard's non Christian wand....
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BWAHAHAHAHA!!! This is brilliant!
Personally, I thought Tentfuck Palin would go for the divine intervention/virgin birth story.
More appeal to the Christian right.
First off, you dumbass, just having a scrip for The Pil doesn't cut it. You have to TAKE them as prescribed.
Second, wine coolers? Really? Honey, you'd get sick long before you got drunk, and you'd NEVER get drunk enough to black out.
Third, no one is fooled by your innocent, pious act. You got knocked up twice (that we know of) before you were 17. You were already drinking by age 15.
You should call your so-called memoir "Diary of A Fucked Up Douchebag", or "I Am My Mother's Daughter".
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
Submitted by Schlong on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 6:19pm.
Now, the weird part is...have we come "a long way baby"? And, if so, our bodies still want to produce babies and have sexy times at far too young an age.
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Interesting. Kind of makes you wonder what the point of feminism is when you're fighting to be something besides what nature made you.
I know PLENTY of women, young and old(er) who have gotten pregnant on birth control pills, so... I'm not gonna rag on her for that.
BUT.
It totally annoys me that she is refusing to own what she and Levi did. She was totally INTO it. She may have had a few wine coolers for a little Dutch courage, but she wanted him.
That's why she had the baby. If she had been date-raped by some ugly skinny loser dude and didn't want to own the baby-daddy for the next 18 years, she would have had an abortion. Trust. Levi was the BMOC and she wanted a piece of it.
Wow. This is really not interesting.
.
.
Nice try, Bristol. No one buys that story. Why can't you just admit you were a horny, teenage slut ??
TrashyWilma on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 6:02pm.
This woman spread her legs, took a spooge shot, and squeezed out another human. Billions of humans and cattle have done this. She's not special and she's not famous despite her delusions.
No, this YOUNG girl (look up how long it takes for the brain to fully form) let her genitals and hormones take over her rational mind.
Now, the weird part is...have we come "a long way baby"? And, if so, our bodies still want to produce babies and have sexy times at far too young an age.
Also, if we produce less people...Well, look at Japan...it ain't a pretty picture.
What happens when there are no young folks to pay for the old blokes? Then what?
Predicament much? A much too much.
Carry on...
/Donger annoys everyone with off-topic topics
Submitted by _fail_ on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:09pm.
She a lie.
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MMMMM HMMMMMMMMMMM
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
She looks like the spawn of Rachael Ray and a fucking lemur on coke. MUCH better than being a Palin.
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"I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work"
Bristol honey,
You weren't in love oh no far from it
Tho your mom told us you were
You were just young and restless and bored
I used her she used me
But neither one cared
We were getting our share
Workin' on our night moves
Trying to lose the awkward teenage blues
Workin' on out night moves
N I G H T OH DEM M O V E S!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTgLQgpwRvQ&feature=related
Oh, also if she had birth control prescribed for cramps they would have done an exam on her and found out she was pregnant, so that shit doesn't wash.
NOTHING IS EVER MY FAULT!!! WAAAAH!!
While you can possibly get pregnant while on birth control IF you're taking antibiotics or not taking them as prescribed, I don't believe for one minute she was on the pill. Nor do I believe she was drunk and blacked out.. I DO believe Mama Palin's spinning it to this scenario to cover for the fact that her daughter played hide the jerky with this jerk.
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Yeah, Fuck it.
Forgive me if this has been said, but her narrative of her and Levi's first time reads like ultra conservative, right wing, white trash porn...
"Well, me bein' all innocent and all, how my mama and daddy raised me...I said to my boyfriend who I trusted with all my christian heart...'what's these wine cooler things...Ain't wine Devil's water?' And then the man who I loved and trusted more than my favorite hounddog, which Pa had to put down due to rabies, said to me..."Naw, the 'cooler' part scares the devil off"...So, I done figured them wine coolers was like the punchbowl at church...and my throat was mighty parched....
All the sudden I felt woozy...and the man I loved was a ravenous wolf...He was not the man I loved but an unChristian evil wizard who thrust his wand into my delicate south blossom OVER AND OVER AGAIN...I wanted him to stop...God knows I did, but the devil's brew seized my tongue...and forced it down, down, down on the evil wizard's non Christian wand....
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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...
This woman spread her legs, took a spooge shot, and squeezed out another human. Billions of humans and cattle have done this. She's not special and she's not famous despite her delusions.
http://smellmybutt.tumblr.com/
Submitted by Cara on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:32pm.
I don't believe a word out of this stupid opportunistic fuck whore's mouth. The Palin clan seriously needs to fuck off back to Alaska for good.
I totally agree, Cara. And you can't believe anything that comes out of any of their mouths. They're a bunch of grifters who belong in prison, not in the national spotlight. $arah should be NOWHERE near politics. Can you imagine that trash in the White House? OK, this is obviously a topic that sets me off.
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I get all my news from DListed
DOGGY!
Who can shoot a moose
is loose as a goose
Palin that's who!
Who gives a shit about this slag's life? She and her family need to fuck off.
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 4:24pm.
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Thanks for looking for that avie, Rusty. Appreciate that. I wasn't sure what TinEye was and had to google it!
I'm off to a play.
Have a good night!
************
All the Young Dudes
USA 1972 - A travers l’Amérique avec Mott the Hoople~Ian Hunter
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:31pm
I'm guessing that since her mom works for Murdoch this book is being published under one of his companies. Murdoch's publishing houses have played fast and loose for controversial sales before so Levi may end up with a little bit of a payday if he sues. Murdoch would see a six figure payout as worth is for a multi-million dollar sale/TV marketing deal featuring Bristol Palin. Bristol's a bigger draw than Levi. Levi is hard up for easy cash and would settle for 500k to 1 mil and an occasional reality TV job easily.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
Why does Sarah Palin hate America so?
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:31pm.
Interesting. He might have a real case for libel.
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IF he knows what it is of course.
Submitted by Manimal5 on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:28pm.
She should have just called the book Nailin' Palin...I like rhymes too Doggy! LOL!
^^^^^
Manimal, oh Manimal
My friendly cannibal
How are you this fine day?
Manimal, oh Manimal
It all seems so natural
Bristol should just have said nay!
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
I don't believe a word out of this stupid opportunistic fuck whore's mouth. The Palin clan seriously needs to fuck off back to Alaska for good.
Submitted by WhiskeyTango on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 5:10pm.
Submitted by swarm-of-locusts on Sat, 06/18/2011 - 1:45pm.
So she's saying he date-raped her? Levi may be a fuck-up but he should still sue the shit out of her for saying that he intentionally got her drunk so he could pop her cherry without her consent.
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Interesting. He might have a real case for libel.
........
I clicked on MK's UsWeekly link to see who Bristol's publisher is. First headline I saw was "Britney Spears Earns Raves for Femme Fatale Tour Opener." hahaha It was hard to take Us seriously after that.
I am sure Bristol's publisher's legal team has fully vetted the book. It's either true or Levi is a public figure (Playgirl?) so he'd have to show malice. You can read in his book how she drunkenly came on to him, he resisted and told her it was unwise, but she threw him down, hogtied him with tent lines, and had her way. :)
In the 60s she would have been one of the Manson girls.
She should have just called the book Nailin' Palin...I like rhymes too Doggy! LOL!
How does this count as rape just because she can't remember? She doesn't know if she passed out or blacked out. When you black out, you are still drunk and acting the fool, you just don't remember it. The few people I know who sleepwalk also seemed to black out and not remember their drunken foolery. For all we know she turned into a total whore on those whine coolers and fucked every other kid at the camp out. And maybe the fact that she doesn't remember is her way of protecting herself from all the other people at that campsite who *do* remember what she did.
Bristol's mother saw Russia. I wonder if Bristol saw France when Levi tossed her underpants?
I love rhymes. Hee.
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Next time you want to talk to me, you call my lawyer. He's in the phone book under "Fuck You."
God Im so tired of hearing about people who supposedly got pregnant while on the pill -based on numbers that would make it only about 50% effective which is a big crock… in fact a doctor once told me that the drug companies are just covering their asses-its nearly 100% effective if taken a prescribed…..
Oh looky here -of course Bristol (the of abstinence) wasn't on it because she was having sex but to treat her cramps and after Levi 'took' her virginity which she apparently doesn't remember she was waiting for marriage….
Who the fuck believes this shit and more to that who will buy it????
I still get pissed whenever i see McCain on TV because its his fucking fault that we even know who this bunch of hillbilly grifters are…..
"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"