The Curious Case Of Ali Lohan Is A Model Now
Because Lindsay Lohan's days as the Lohan family's main cokewinner are long gone, White Oprah is getting desperate to find a ho to pay her bar tab so she doesn't have to try to overcome her allergic reaction to actually working a real job. That's where 17-year-old Ali Lohan comes in. Before White Oprah completely sells Ali Lohan to a gerontophile for a bag of Oxies and some drink tickets, she's going to try to make some cash off of her in the modeling world. White Oprah somehow managed to score Ali a multi-year modeling contract with NEXT Modeling Management. Benjamina Button's portrait will hang alongside pictures of Miranda Kerr and Molly Simms on NEXT's wall of models.
The only reasonable explanation for this is that White Oprah threatened to visit NEXT's office every single day and flash her freckled chest testicles at their front door security camera until they signed Ali. The press release NEXT burped out confirms this. White Oprah stood over them with her deep fried talons grabbing the bottom of her shirt, threatening to show them the double faces of hell if they didn't make the press release sound as delusional as possible.
If you ever want to be committed immediately without a psychiatric evaluation, just read the following release word for word. And do it with feeling. From Just Jared and E! Online:
"We are very excited to be representing Aliana Lohan. She represents the future face of fashion and will be a photographer's dream with her chameleon-like beauty.In fashion, Ali will set herself apart as a bona fide icon.One that fashion fans will follow not because of her famous last name, but because of the beautiful images and fashion trends she is helping create."
Future face of fashion? Chameleon-like beauty? Bona fide icon? Has anybody at NEXT been heard from in the past few hours? Methinks White Oprah roofied their Diet Coke cooler, snuck into their offices and then typed out that wreck of a press release while they were all passed out on the floor. I don't know. But I do know that this news will make every copy of Photoshop commit suicide.
And no, that picture isn't of Hank Azaria as Gargamel. Just clearing that shit up.
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She DOES look like a lizard!
Maybe I can get my dog's asshole a modeling contract at Next. Cause I'm pretty sure it looks a lot more attractive than Ali Lohan's face.Maybe she can do ads for Geritol or Depends. About the only thing she should be modeling are brown paper bags.
Just send the inbred little troll to boarding school. All that second-hand smoke and coke could clear out, and maybe they could insert some actual vocabulary and a few token math skills into the vacant space. Then she'd know just how much White Doprah has been stealing from them all these years.
Photoshop was never designed to deal with this fuckery. First they'll need an "Undo Lohan" tool, but that's just the beginning.
Butterface is the new stunning???
Nail me to my car... then I'll tell you who you are...Joe The Lion
I guess she would work as 'alternative' model. You know the hideous type models.
This girl isn't even just plain, she is F*U*G*L*Y!!
That nose alone would make any fashion photographer wince in pain!! Her facial proportions are totally off...
If she can be a model than ANYONE can!
On second thought, as someone else already pointed out. After the photoshop school of magazine cover artists is done, she will look like Linda Evangelista or Claudia Schiffer during their best days... LOL
Ali looks like her father and older brother, Michael Lohan Jr. (the college grad in the family).
I do feel bad for this girl. She had a front row seat during some of Hohan's epic meltdowns, rehabs, jail sentences and probation violations.
Let's hope she has some sense and uses whatever money she makes from modeling to get away from her freak show famil
Come at me bitch!
I agree that she doesn't look anything like other members of her family. I wonder if Michael Lohan ever requested a paternity test?
www.petfinder.com - enter your zip code to find adoptable pets in your area.
www.animalrescuesite.com - click everyday to help feed animals in shelters.
Thank God she isn't a NUDE model. *shudders*
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www.charitywater.org
www.animalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
I think it's safe to say that after Lindsay was born there was rooster that kept sneaking into the hen house.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 8:25am.
Chris Knight sort of has a point. "Ugly" women are attacked in a way ugly men aren't. The ugly scruffy dude in a screwball comedy still gets The Hot Chick. But "ugly" chicks are considered completely worthless in our culture. Which has negative ramifications for normal ugly people such as, for example, myself, and probably other readers of this blog.
Whereas hating someone for being a Lohan seems like the only justifiable reaction.
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*Nods head sadly*
After seeing Jonah Hill get Emma Stone in Superbad im totally convinced the media world is solely run by ridiculous male fantasy.
Was she adopted? IMO she looks nothing like a Lohan. She looks Middle Eastern. Either way, she doesn't have the bone structure to be a model.
Yeah, not model material....At least she is not as ugly as the chick from housewives new york that became a "model". OMG!
POOOHTEEEE!
I'm with Cowjam. It's not just about her questionable looks, but her obvious sense of Lohan entitlement. Instead of learning from her idiot sister, she wants to follow in her footsteps. Instead of getting WO to sell her coke boogers to send her to college, she goes out with her disturbed sister and can't stop going after fame at any
cost.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 7:26am.
Chris Knight, do you see anyone here trying to model? If you put your ugly face out there, you're going to get shredded....for example, Rumer Willis.
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Hi, PSL. Long time no see!
Chris Knight sort of has a point. "Ugly" women are attacked in a way ugly men aren't. The ugly scruffy dude in a screwball comedy still gets The Hot Chick. But "ugly" chicks are considered completely worthless in our culture. Which has negative ramifications for normal ugly people such as, for example, myself, and probably other readers of this blog.
Whereas hating someone for being a Lohan seems like the only justifiable reaction.
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"Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick." - Sociologist Michael K
Submitted by Hysteria on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 9:28pm.
Is her nose gonna model too?
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As the owner of a nose I should not have laughed, but I did! My daughter laughs at me and calls me "witch nose"...smartass kids!
*puts a bandaid on hurt feelins'*
EYEBROWNS!!!!
Please, please stop with the negative comments and hate on this girl. Chris Knight made me see the error of my ways. *snort*
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Submitted by El Bastardo on Mon, 07/04/2011 - 11:39am.
You're only bisexual if someone rams a bottle of water up your ass and you cum. FACT.
She's not butt-ugly.
But her legacy certainly is.
<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>
"okayyy lets not make a goddess out of Maria Shiver now. It's from her bitch face that she is a cunt." - cuntwhore (2011-08-08)
*draws on thick brows with black chisel-point Office Max marker*
*dials NEXT offices*
*becomes sensation*
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Which magazine?
Crackwhore Monthly?
Ho-gue?
WTF Magazine?!
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http://www.myspace.com/triston
ask me how to subscribe to Heaux Confessionals©
Chris Knight, do you see anyone here trying to model? If you put your ugly face out there, you're going to get shredded....for example, Rumer Willis.
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I want a new drug
One that does what it should
One that won't make me feel too bad
One that won't make me feel too good
These days photoshop can make anyone a supermodel.
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"His faggy coffee shop poetry reading glasses will go over well in prison. I expect to see them on cumonglasses.com". ~ Dlister Provolone
Submitted by Chris Knight on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 2:07am.
At first, I thought its Camilla Belle. Anyway, too much negativity towards her which proves ur IQ is really low. She's not a beauty but not butt ugly anyway. She is a plain Jane, thats all. Besides are u all here epitomes of physical beauty or what? Go screw urselves!
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This from the idiot who wanted the dog with the prosthetic legs put to sleep!
Kendall Jenner just challenged her to a walk off. Of course she fell off her heels since big sis trained her.
She is butt ugly. WO must be desperado for some cash.
Submitted by WallyRaffle on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 4:38am.
"... Maybe she's got nice hands?"
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Hahahaha!!
Everyone seems to think she's sooo ugly. I don't think anyone is ugly quite frankly. I've always been able to find something good looking about someone, whether it was their eyes or nose, their smile. The only ugly people to me, are the people that are mean inside...LIKe ALL OF YOU PEOPLE THAT ARE SAYING SHE'S UGLY...LOL
That's an ugly bitch...17 is looking like old, haggard shit nowadays...nice eyebrows lmfao
Submitted by Green Tea Latte on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 9:17pm.
OMG it's Excelsa from la familia peluche! http://www.artistasmexicanos.com/images/Nueva%20imagen.JPG I knew this fug thing looked familiar!
Y'all can thank my univision watching abuelita for that one!
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Muchos gracias, la abuelita de Green Tea Latte!
This poor girl will never escape the curse of being a Lohan. I pity her.
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"Somebody needs to glamour A CLUE into that trick." - Sociologist Michael K
I think some people are missing the point. She's not THAT ugly, and if she were clean, not arrogant and intelligent, she might actually have a nice, non-Barbie look. The point is that being a Lohan and Lindsey's wingman, we are pretty damn sure that she is ugly as sin on the inside, and trying to make this rather plain girl happen as a model just reinforces that the Lohan's are delusional and entitled.
To the poster who suggested she attend community college, you should realize that Ali has constantly been photographed partying with Lindsey while normal children are attending high school. I doubt that she has ever been enrolled in HS.
edited
Jeebus! you take away from eyebrows like that, not add to them!
Her dark hair is natural so she shouldn't have to change that for anyone but making brows that dark thicker and darker is not helping.
At least she is not bright orange with pre-cancerous freckles all over her face and day-glo yellow hair.
I seriously have always found her quite pretty and hope she does not get bullied into having any work done. This is not a good pic, clearly, but I do find her to be a pretty girl.
Just hoping that she was smarter than her big sis and at least might give community college a go. So called "All American" girls with veneers and such really do not make the best models. Good models can wear make-up to look like absolutely anything rather than just always looking exactly like themselves. I am no talking about swim suit models, but just the all round model.
How many years can the average girl get out of modelling really? 6 at best. Her mother will surely have all of that money spent by that time.
she colours in the brows. Maybe she thinks she looks like camilla belle or something. Man, is she rat-faced though. Maybe she's got nice hands?
So dark hair and eyebrows make you ugly now?
Wow...
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Ugh, don't be so sensitive. I've got dark hair and eyebrows myself. In Ali's case, however, the hair and eyebrows are way too dark for her complexion. She has freckles just like her sister and those people should never get too dark, let alone black with the hair color unless they are going for that Morticia Addams look. It just makes the girl look old.
Being a brunette or even black-haired is not for everyone. Just look at Cameron Diaz or Gwyneth Paltrow. They both looked awful with dark hair. That doesn't mean that all dark-haired people are ugly.
♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬
Rrridiaouw woo oo rrri-ou!
Submitted by Die gelangweilt... on Wed, 08/10/2011 - 2:55am.
I have the feeling that she's being forced to look like an ugly duckling only to not take away the attention from her sister (yet). I mean, what's with that dyed black hair, those extra dark eyebrows and homely clothing? All of this makes her look 20 years older than she is. A nose job, much brighter hair (not necessarily blonde) and eyebrows and she would look just as hot as Lindsey did in her heyday.
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So dark hair and eyebrows make you ugly now?
Wow...
I have the feeling that she's being forced to look like an ugly duckling only to not take away the attention from her sister (yet). I mean, what's with that dyed black hair, those extra dark eyebrows and homely clothing? All of this makes her look 20 years older than she is. A nose job, much brighter hair (not necessarily blonde) and eyebrows and she would look just as hot as Lindsey did in her heyday.
♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬♩♪♫♬
Rrridiaouw woo oo rrri-ou!
Submitted by MickeyHolland on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 10:59pm.
Strangely enough, the picture that HangryHippo selected made me think that Ali may have what it takes to do this job. None of the girls I saw on ANTM struck me as exceptionally beautiful or even attractive. But once they were in front of a camera, a lot of them truly came to life. To me, it was like some magical trick every time.
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Hahaha... facetious much? She has the body of an albino caiman who is in the process of devouring a snow leopard.
hahahaha Ali MacGraw 2011 after shrooms and acid
Well, after reading this thread, all of a sudden I feel a lot more self-conscious about my Mediterranean eyes and eyebrows.
I thought she had a pretty eye area, but I guess anything thicker than a centimeter is strictly hirsute territory.
At first, I thought its Camilla Belle. Anyway, too much negativity towards her which proves ur IQ is really low. She's not a beauty but not butt ugly anyway. She is a plain Jane, thats all. Besides are u all here epitomes of physical beauty or what? Go screw urselves! Also not fit for a model, whatever model means nowadays. She's just another Hollywood child pimped by her own parents and with almost zero control over her own life. Blame the parents, not her.
You gotta be fucking kidding me. Ali Lohan a model? Obviously done for publicity purposes, because she's a young gorilla with those bushman eyebrows & lack of any beauty.
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"There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
Um, she forgot the nose job, boob job, bleached hair, then might be good to go--LiLo style.
Remember, Paris calls herself a 'model' too. Means nothing.
It's really sad, but I am keeping it real. She kinda reminds me of when I was a kid, and my folks made me pick up our dog's shit, in the back yard. Some of that dog shit had been out there for so long; it became white, and kinda petrified. So she's like dog shit, that's turned white and has really huge eyebrows..
Strangely enough, the picture that HangryHippo selected made me think that Ali may have what it takes to do this job. None of the girls I saw on ANTM struck me as exceptionally beautiful or even attractive. But once they were in front of a camera, a lot of them truly came to life. To me, it was like some magical trick every time.
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"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err."
Mahatma Gandhi
Submitted by HangryHippo on Tue, 08/09/2011:
it seriously doesn't get more glamorous than this: http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/pictures/20100104/Ali%20Lohan%20Bik...
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HangryHippo - thank you SO much for that laugh !
Submitted by bookworm on Tue, 08/09/2011 - 10:32pm.
Ali Lohan models the latest paper bags and balaclava collection from fashion label 'Hide Yo Ugly'.
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Hahahaha!!
Ali Lohan models the latest paper bags and balaclava collection from fashion label 'Hide Yo Ugly'.
Just goes to show that money really can buy you anything. Even an ugly girl can be a model!
She is going to model her nose job. It must burn her ass that her sister is so photogenic and she is too busy muff diving to work.
it seriously doesn't get more glamorous than this: http://www.idontlikeyouinthatway.com/pictures/20100104/Ali%20Lohan%20Bik...
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack