Jennifer Garner Is Knocked Up
With all those pictures of Jennifer Garner wearing shirts straight from Walmart's maternity line, hos figured that she's either on that KFed diet or a baby is squatting in her uterus and paying for the placenta cutlet it's eating with fetus barfs and belly kicks. It's the latter. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced last night that she'll soon birth out a third child whose tiny nostrils will have to get used to the musky scent of casino smoke, wig glue and cologne you buy from one of those gas station cologne machines to cover up fuck fumes that have marinated into your crotch. This is what the Associated Press had to say about the newest Garfleck.
A one-sentence statement released Monday says the actors are "thrilled" to have another baby on the way. The couple has two daughters, 5-year-old Violet and 2-year-old Seraphina Elizabeth Rose Affleck.No other details were released.
Affleck and Garner, both 39, were married in 2005.
Those quotation marks hugging thrilled make it looks like that shit was delivered with a sarcastic eye roll and the kind of huff a ho lets out when it's 4am, her newborn baby is killing ceiling paint with its holler, her husband is not in the building and his cell phone keeps going to voicemail. "I'm thrilled that you're listening to this shit as you throw the nasty boxers you used to wipe your whore's pussy juices off of your dick into the dumpster outside of Burger King," is the message she'll leave.
But yeah, my first thought when I read about this last night was that a blind item finally got its sight. My second thought was that Band-Aid Begonia Affleck does have a certain ring to it.
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I feel bad for Garner. She seems like a good mother, always with her kids too bad she picked this douche as the daddy cause he don't look like he wants five minutes of this shopping together crap. Jlo will have her claws in himm again - men love abuse.
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Good move Jen, you kept Ben outta JLo's arms for another few years..
However the getting knocked up/ arm-twisting into marriage maneuver was brilliant too.
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Good for them !!! Congrats.
Why do people have to be so cynical and mean? So much speculation about a couple who seem to be happy, have 2 beautiful daughters and another on the way ... I'd think in this day and age,if Ben really wanted to leave, he'd been gone already. He has more than enough money to PAY her.
But imagine this: he really loves her.
I bet they made sure they were going to have a boy this time.
You know the same way Victoria Beckham made sure she had a girl.
Submitted by SANS FARDS on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 4:35pm.
I'm fucking Ben Affleck.
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Who isn't?
*adjusts frosting*
I'm fucking Ben Affleck.
True story, bro.
Re: Marital breakups - when I first separated from my husband I couldn't believe how many (seemingly happily married) women of my acquaintaince, when I bumped into them at the shops, dinners etc; would manoeuvre me into a quiet corner, furtively check on their mates whereabouts, then query in hushed tones: "How did you manage to get him out of the house?".
That exact question, everytime.
RHCP Otherside
Dunno what they're gonna call this one - I figured they'd used up their name quota with the last one.
RHCP Otherside
So, baby No. 3 gets Jen 3 more years in a marriage with a man who would rather be anywhere except near her. Congrats!
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami
Submitted by BorgQueen on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 10:30am.
Submitted by The5thelementof... on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:47am.
Didn't Jen divorce "Noel" from Felicity and cheat and then start dating Micheal Vartan from Alias and then dump him for Ben? I remember something to that effect.
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I forgot about that. She cheated on "Noel" with Vartan and then while she was filming "Electra" hooked up wit Ben and then dumped Vartan to be with Ben.
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Lol, both of Ben's Jens have an ex on Hawthorne with Jada Pinkett Smith. What a circle jerk Hollywood is...
I read somewhere that they did not want another baby, it's a girl, and they're pissed!
Other than that, who give a fuck?
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I guess it's best to end a relationship the same way you start it: absolutely fucking tanked. MK 6/11
Damn if that blind item wasn't true. JLo must be foaming at the mouth that her big reunion with Ben has been derailed.
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"You dumb bitch, I am home."
Super Martian, I watched your link (Affleck's comedic interview). Before I watched it, however, I read some of the comments attached to the link. WOW!!!! Some people are seriously lacking a sense of humor. I'm very happy these people can't sit in judgement of ME or they'd burn me at the stake without question. the only thing these two consenting adults are doing is cuddling and laughing their asses off. And for that the woman is called a slut? A whore? REALLY???? And by the way, Affleck was NOT seeing JLo at that time. He was completely single. And he flirted with a woman???? And recorded it???? What a dirtbag. What is the world coming to?
If all those blind items are about Ben Affleck, WHY would Jennifer have a THIRD baby?? She's have to be crazy and I find her charming.
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Visit my husband's webcomic DUNGEON HORDES at http://www.drunkduck.com/dungeon_hordes
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Submitted by Few Words on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 8:57am.
a baby aint no bandaid for a shitty marriage
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Exactly, why does a women think that a bandaid baby will keep a guy in the marriage? They always leave! sooner or later they will!
I don't like couples that stay together just because they have children, that's bad because they always end up feeling miserable and hating themselves even more because even thought they do not love each other they have to stay together for the sake of their children and pretend they're happy when they OBVIOUSLY not!
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"If I can't be my own, i'd feel better dead"- Nutshell
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:06am.
If not Begonia, maybe Petunia or Geranium. Boys' names need not apply.
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Snapdragon?
Gonna jump on the "you don't know my life" bandwagon. Get shit on for handing your kids off to a nanny, get shit on for actually being invovled with them.
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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma
Super Martian, that link is insane! He was obviously fucking that woman, but was he already with Jen and had kids? Probably happened before he married Jen and had kids but I can't believe he did that in an interview!
band-aide child #2
Mr. IV and I have been married for 20 years. It is what you make it. It's not all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns all the time, and I think people think it SHOULD BE, this person should make you HAPPY ALWAYS, that you will never disgree in a serious way, fight, etc etc etc. So, yes, a lot of people's expectations are unrealistic in the first place, and the bumps in the road that come along seem like irreparable fuckups.
I don't think we're lucky, I think we chose each other wisely and we work at it. I cop to when I am wrong, and vice versa. He calls me on my bullshit and I call him on his. If I wasn't married to him, he'd be my best friend, and vice versa. Too many people make decisions based solely on genitals, and that's where some of the problem comes in. We have a happy sex life but there have been dry spells. People are only human, right. Plus we have two special needs kids. That right there busts up a lot of marriages.
With Ben and Jen, who knows what goes on in their marriage? THey aren't dancing down the red carpet throwing confetti, so what? They seem private, so what? Their kids seem happy. He could be entirely content, and so could she. What I've seen of the speculation has been almost entirely confined to blind items and tabloid reporting. I've never seen anything in a legitimate outlet. Ben Affleck is the answer to every blind item, too, even ones like "What foreign born blonde starlet who only does TV gets her ladybusiness waxed at a shopping mall?"
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Yeah, umm that oldest one is quite homely. More proof that two rights don't always make a wrong...or two wrongs don't always...what the fuck ever...
Submitted by snowpiece on Wed, 07/08/2009 - 5:00pm.
Karen Flatts is always a cunt
Hey....the blind item was right a few weeks ago :)
The Affleck kids seem to be the most normal of this crop of Hollywood kids, so they must be doing something right as parents. Congratulations to them. I don't believe they would be having more kids if they didn't want them.
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I've written a letter to MK...saying...I...love...youuuuuu.
Explains her recent quote about "motherhood is a woman's deepest desire" or something. She strikes me as the type of mommy whose sole identity is based on the fact that she's a mommy, so congratulations I guess.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
I mentioned the below story to continue to illustrate you just never know what the inner workings of someone's marriage is like. From the outside I thought they had a great marriage but upon Mr. Borg getting friendly with the hubby really showed the troof.
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Live like the bombshell I really am!!! RIP AMY. Hope u find the peace that eluded you in life.
"Lo and behold a few mths agao Mr. Borg came back from their house most disturbed. He said that the hubby told Mr. Borg that they should take a trip to Cuba where they can get a 15 yr old to fuck for only $20."
Pig. Sometimes I feel sorry for dudes because I feel like they have to sit and nod and listen to some seriously disturbing shit from their friends. I'm not saying women don't say disturbing things or that they don't have male friends, but I don't think a man would say that to a woman (for obvious reasons).
Of course, I was like "escandaloooooo" when a good friend told me she'd kissed somebody while engaged to her then-fiance (now husband), so maybe I'm just prim.
Sarah Smile
I just re-united with a high school bff and her husband and Mr. Borg have become good friends. I thought they had a great marriage b/c they joke and debate but in a loving way. Her husband is not jealous or insecure albeit he is 15+ yrs old than his wife and us. I told Mr. Borg that I hope we can grow to have similar relationship (as Mr. Borg thinks everyone likes me and wants me. I told Mr. Borg you are the only fool that wants me. lol).
Lo and behold a few mths agao Mr. Borg came back from their house most disturbed. He said that the hubby told Mr. Borg that they should take a trip to Cuba where they can get a 15 yr old to fuck for only $20. OMG I fucken died. Mr. Borg has since told me that the hubby has now mentioned it to him at least 10x now. The wife told me how she checks for registered sex offenders frequently and poor thing doesnt even know she has one in bed with her. and they have a young daughter too. ????
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Live like the bombshell I really am!!! RIP AMY. Hope u find the peace that eluded you in life.
My parents have survived almost 45 years of marriage with plenty of fights, compromises and love. I've never married myself because I'm would have made a terrible spouse. I could never make the sacrifices my parents have BUT I admire those that can make it work. I'm rooting for Ben and Jen.
I imagine this is how he acts every time he gets a moment away from Jen:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMq6xDHBKwQ
She must be going crazy to be married to such a manwhore.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:44am.
If there is no intamacy in your marriage, then your marriage is dead. IMO.
You would think that would be true, yet, my ex-husband didn't touch me for 3 years before the end of our marriage and when I served him divorce papers was "shocked" that I wanted a divorce. He had no clue that intimacy of any kind was required.
The 'husband' - a possible homosexual - looks interesting.
Are there any nude photos?
I have a "friend" (really, someone I've known since kindergarten and will always be in my life, sort of like Ripley and the Alien creatures), and she is always on about how great her marriage is. And that's fine if it is, but the truth is that her husband has no balls, has probably cheated on her, and she's a know-it-all. He just tunes her out a lot and lets her take over because he's kind of lazy and inefficient. Of course she's a huge Facebook whore who has 135,467,567 friends, and shares everything, even mind-boggling pictures of her progressive homeliness and weight gain. (This is the kind of person who fancies that she was more popular/liked in high school than she really was and shows up at reunions smugly showing off her husband and career.) Yes, as you guessed it, she gets on my damn nerves.
I've known a few couples that did the no-sex thing. One couple it was the woman, she wouldn't have sex with her husband for the last 3 or 4 years of their marriage.
A lesbian couple, together for 5 years with no sex/touching/KISSING for the last 2. Finally broke up but of course are still roommates.
Another couple, the dude didn't want sex, just blowjobs. But then they were trying to get my then-husband and I to swap with them...I was like hell no and didn't hang out with them again.
And honestly - you're gonna tell me he never wants to bang you and then try to foist him off on ME? Foolio.
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"Peachy with a side of keen, that would be me"
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 10:05am.
I guess JLo will have to wait a few months now to sink her claws back into Ben, unless she goes to the Claire Danes Academy for a quick course in stealing a man from a preggo wife/gf.
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Refuse to watch any movie she or Billy Cruddup are in for that scum bucket move. She is now "married" to the gayest actor in the UK.
Submitted by greeneggs on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:46am.
Submitted by Darknight on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:35am.
Yeah, I think there are more "sexless" marriages than we would think. It is mind boggling that you would be with someone, as a married couple, and that you would go YEARS without sex. In the case of my friend, she wants to have sex, HE doesn't.
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My best friend is like that...she wants to have sex, he doesn't. The worst part is that she excuses it...oh he's tired, he's lazy. Maybe I can understand no sex for one week, maybe two max. But when you hit the one month mark, then two month mark...my goodness, aren't you in panic mode? You find time to eat, watch TV, bathe, can't you just do it for the heck of it?
When I heard that she is pg, I immediately thought of that blind item.
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"Crocs: They are to your eyes what second-hand smoke is to your lungs."
his "hair"!!!!
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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11
I liked Jen Garner and thought she seemed pretty normal, but when she got her lips all injected - total loss of respect. She looked silly and when she tried to cry on screen her face contorted strangely - just couldn't watch her.
As for marriage - I'm with jacko, most married (or long term live-in) couples complain constantly about how unhappy they are. I can't count the number of people that have asked me "how do you do it on your own????" or say they can't "afford to leave" even when they make more than I do.
Bitch if I can pay rent and raise my kids, you can too so either do something or shut the hell up (and yes, basically said that to someone and stopped talking to them).
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"Peachy with a side of keen, that would be me"
Submitted by The5thelementof... on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 9:47am.
Didn't Jen divorce "Noel" from Felicity and cheat and then start dating Micheal Vartan from Alias and then dump him for Ben? I remember something to that effect.
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I forgot about that. She cheated on "Noel" with Vartan and then while she was filming "Electra" hooked up wit Ben and then dumped Vartan to be with Ben.
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Live like the bombshell I really am!!! RIP AMY. Hope u find the peace that eluded you in life.
They always dress like Appalachian hillbillies.
"Google me, you dumb fuck!", said some punk bitch rookie cop.
Submitted by IrishFury on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 10:06am.
I think the problem with so many in "unhappy marriages" is that in reality - things are fine. They just have ridiculous expectations of what marriage is or truly believe that these "love quotes" from celebs or idiot friends on Facebook are actually true or even mean something. So when they have a bit of difficulty in marriage, all of a sudden it's as if they have been unhappy forever. We need to calm down and examine what real happiness is and it does include ups and downs.
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THE TRUTH.
I like the name "Bandaid" for these 2...whoever said it good job tagging them!
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"Going to Burger King to eat healthy is like going to a prostitute for a hug." Dlister Supah 8.20.11
Submitted by IrishFury on Tue, 08/23/2011 - 10:06am.
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Just want to say that you are spot on regarding marriage and how people treat it these days. It is TOTALLY all about ups and downs and how you handle them. My hubby and I have ours, but for the most part we are super happy, super lucky and have two super kids. :)
What I hate about the way people treat marriage is that when one thing goes wrong, they refuse to work things out and they just walk away and divorce. There seems to be no "try" anymore...no real respect for what marriage is.
I'm in the bubble too I think. lol
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"If when you die you get a choice between pie heaven and regular heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick but if not mmmboy!"
I think then I'm a bit delusional about marriage. I have a good one, so do most of my friends. I'm not blissful all the time and there are times I get irritated as hell but that's the case with anything in life. You deal, you live on.
I think the problem with so many in "unhappy marriages" is that in reality - things are fine. They just have ridiculous expectations of what marriage is or truly believe that these "love quotes" from celebs or idiot friends on Facebook are actually true or even mean something. So when they have a bit of difficulty in marriage, all of a sudden it's as if they have been unhappy forever. We need to calm down and examine what real happiness is and it does include ups and downs. People are fucking lazy and won't fix stuff in their relationships. Fixing stuff early makes us succeed rather than enjoying the belly aching and "bitch fests" (esp. women) love to do their husbands. It's ignoranant and disloyal. Then a month later you see them all over each other and feel like a fool for having entertained all the drama in the first place.
The not having sex in a marriage sucks though. That's just not right.
Maybe my friends are deeply unhappy and I just don't know it. We talk, and we all know that there are things we'd like to change and moments of frustration but in the end, we love our partners and marriage really works for me, just to speak for myself. And on an honest note, Mr. Fury has never called me a hurtful name in his life and has only raised his voice maybe 10 times in the 12 years we've been together. That's just how he is. Me? I'm harder to deal with but I know he has loved me since we met.
Anyway, upon reading all the D folks views on marriage over the past few years, I do believe I must be living in some kind of bubble!
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Dark-sided!
Geez. I gave this crew more credit than fantasizing about the inner workings of this marriage. I'm on team still married/three kids - can't be all bad. And their daughters seem such happy little critters - something's working.