Taylor Swift And Reese Witherspoon Bond Over Jakey Gyllenhaal's Vain Ways
UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old's body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like "dating" Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).
But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese's chin (Note: If you're going to be a fly on Reese's chin, you're going to want to be a fly on Reese's chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can't see shit and won't notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.
Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles' Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 -- and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!"They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be," a source tells Us Weekly. "They laughed about it."
Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, "You're So Vain" magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!
But really. How can anybody call Jakey "vain." Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?
Yes, I'm sure he's staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, "Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*," but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.
*You know, because there's a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it's Friday morning.
• 
Is it me, or is Swifty sporting something of a horsey-face in this pic? My Little Pony 2.0?
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
reese, if he sucks so much, why did your dumb ass stay with him for how many years? hmmmm. exactly. now run along & get another tacky midlife crisis tattoo.
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"Wrist full of colorful rubberbands!" - album reviewer extraordinaire Khia
quite fittingly...
http://j.mp/f89sny
Whoa she's giant. I think Taylor is somewhat attractive, in a cute girl-next-door sort of way...it's her MUSIC I can't stand. She can't sing to save her life, and she desperately needs a lyricist...it's like, Linkin Park levels of badness.
But, I'd rather see her get that money than Taylor Momsen, the Cyrus family, or any other tween star who runs around doing stupid ho shit and just generally being obnoxious. So, good for her.
Hay Taylor meet your future.
These two bitches bore the fuck out of people.
And Reese needs to grow up, this isn't Cruel Intentions anymore...
i cant tell which one he dated first but these two bitches are closer than they think if they have shared jakey poo, if you catch my drift and i dont want to go into the details.
and of course jakey is vain self absorbed asshole, his whole family is.
at least he doesnt write a fucking song about everything like that shifty eye bitch taylor does.
stupid hoe, this isnt a fucking disney movie, wake the fuck up.
Hasn't she watched Vanilla Sky when Cameron Diaz said "I swallowed your cum, that means something!!!"
before driving the car off the bridge.
Self absorbed...just like a Sham Wow!
"Yes, he doesn't mind if you're a little veiny since that means you're ribbed for his pleasure"
Hahahaha!! So naughty! *spanks MK*
It's Keanu's Birthday!!
LOL@ "Boa Steakhouse". They must have compared notes about how many of the waiters's boas that Jay G. had charmed.
Lol! Taylor Swift actually called someone else vain and lightning didn't strike her boney ass?
time to come out!
but who would you pair him up with? ryan seacrest?
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
You know, Jake's career hasn't exactly been doing that great lately...I think he may actually benefit by coming out of the closet. I think females are kind of over him but the gays and fag hags will all love him again if he came out.
My friend was on set with him Tuesday and said he isn't that hot in person.
Submitted by kndall44 on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 3:56pm.
Who knew Reese was so short & pudgy?
Reese is short, but Taylor is also tall like 5'10 so in comparison it is kinda funny
Who knew Reese was so short & pudgy?
can't STAND Squinty Swift!
can't sing
can't be without a man
she is the MOST OVERRATED SINGER IN HISTORY
can't get over herself
she is SO FUG!!!!!
i would let him watch himself in the mirror the whole time we were having sex. the whole time.
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A baby's first words should not be: "DEATH DON'T TAKE ME NOW!!!" - MK
Jakey G is so gorgeous! of course it takes him time to beautify himself
I wholeheartedly agree with this whole post, MK.
Taylor is a delusional 20-something who thinks she's still a 14 year old Southern Belle about to go to her first homecoming. And Reese is a Boring McBorington as well. As NeNe would say, "These two can just have eachother."
Damn, Reese is short! Anyway, to hell with both of these losers. TEAM JAKE 4-EVER
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"It's all fun and farts until somebody gets punched." -MK
"GREEN MILE MOTHERFUCKERS! JOHN COFFEY HELP US!" --urmomma, 8/24/11
I can't help it - I think Taylor Swift is awesome...
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:01am.
mudturtle - why hell no!! most of the hot chicks in high school have turned out to be pretty heavy... the homely, quiet chicks that weren't real popular have turned out to be some of the most smokin hot women I've ever seen... life's funny.
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I read about a study one time that said that people who were very successful (i.e. popular, thought of as beautiful) in high school, tended to be much less successful and attractive after high school.
I think the theory that was floated was that some people just peak at the age of 16-17 and others much later, and also, if people are good-looking and things come to them too easily when they are very young, they never learn the skills and discipline to succeed later on when effort is required. With or without being aware of it, they rely completely on their looks to get them what they want, and when the looks go they have no other strategy. (see also: Dickinson, Janice)
TEAM LATE BLOOMERS
what is this? two women who have never seen jake's nekkid peen?
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"The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it." --
Roseanne Barr
This reminds me of the time in college when a bunch of us girls were hanging out and my roommate Linda (big ol' slut, she was great) and another girl were comparing notes on this guy they had both slept with.
They each agreed it was a pleasure to give him a beej because his pinga was so small. Then we laffed and laffed.
That's right guys, we talk 'bout'cha amongst ourselves, and we don't lie.
He deserves to be vain while these two lustless losers should date each other.
oops! dp
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:53am.
Submitted by MudTurtle on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:45am.
sounds like every school in America... and congratulations on not being a fatass.
don't start with me Bjork.
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Gee whiz, I was just funnin' with ya.
Sawwwwwry, okay?
@Husbands_and_Wives
Awesome! I did the same thing with older Barbies because I only had about 2 Kens to my handful of Barbies. Oh, the Barbie orgies that would ensue..
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Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let's get back to the main event.
~ Michael K
:P - http://youtu.be/dIgGZA4qQoc?t=10s
Submitted by chewinsmoke on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 8:41am.
Submitted by Defined1 on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:58am.
Submitted by Jintess on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 10:05am.
THANK YOU! Well said, chewinsmoke, Defined1, and Jintess. I always thought Reese was smarter/classier than this. She looks very foolish and immature to be lunching and gossiping with this squinty twat for the obvious attention it brings.
I assume lil' squint will be on cuntry radio forever. At 30, I'm sure she'll be warbling idiotic songs about a lost love like she's still in 8th grade. Immature drivel that asshole tweeners are eating up because their parents buy them whatever they want.
Bitch is emotionally stunted. She's a major whore too, no matter how "pretty princess" she tries to appear with that horrific spiral curled hair and cutesy outfits. How many "boyfriends" has she gone through already? She must be a terrible lay because no guy she's been with sticks around for long. She's left standing alone, dripping down her leg with a major case of the sads because another dude has bolted.
In case you couldn't tell, this bitch makes me stabby! I have hate in my heart and want to let it out (credit "Chappelle's Show").
Holy damn, please tell me Reese is on her knees. She can't be THAT tiny!
Reese is also looking a wee bit heavy.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Submitted by MudTurtle on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:29am.
One of my professors this semester is probably six feet tall. She's very striking, and she commands attention when she is in the room without coming off as overbearing or formidable. I would love to have that kind of presence.
*orders medieval stretching device*
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Just don't order the Judas Chair:
http://listverse.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/cradle-of-judas-3.jpg.
Really I would have thought they would gripe about how lonely their vaginas were. Or how they had to fight over mirror time. Or the strange comings and goings of buff guys who didn't even look at them.
Taylor looks like Khloe Kardashian next to Reese.
Submitted by thegobbler on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:43am.
Submitted by NovaNightly on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:35am.
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*side-eyes NN* ;) JK!!!
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LOL
*winks* heheheh
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
~Mitch Hedberg
Consider the source. US Weekly is a thin pubic hair above The National Inquirer.
Is Reese's noggin especially small, or does Taylor have a giant head?
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by LaChaylo on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:10am.
Taylor reminds me of the Jem doll I had when I was little. Tall, awkward, and too big for my Ken dolls. Reese reminds me of a damn Skipper doll with some extra plastic on the chin.
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I had a Jem doll too and I recall staring at her intently because she was so "different" from my other dolls. Eventually I just made her my other Barbie's boyfriend because I didn't have a Ken.
...My darling can't you see
My heart sounds just for you my dear...
taylor looks like:
A. a horse
B. a man
C. a freakish giant next to a little gnome
D. the absolute worst singer alive today
E. all of the above
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The McCanns Did It
I’m in the minority here, but I think Taylor is kind of attractive, squinty eyes and all. And I also like Reese with some chunk. Both are boring though. They’d only let me hit it Dutch-style on the rooftop.
i giggled a lot reading this post, it was like watching cartoons or something,lol
Without failed relationships, Taylor has nothing to write about.
It was cute when she started, being young and writing about falling in love and feeling awkward because back then teens could relate.
Now she's out of material. So it's more a case of listening to hear who she slams this time. But hey, at least people listen right? That's what she (and her record label) count on.
Are those fake boobs? Because they look fake.
She's too far removed to be able to write about what's real. Has been for quite a while.
It's a shame because once upon a time she was a sweet girl.
Remember when she covered Eminem in concert a month or so ago? That was calculated. She expects to be mentioned in an upcoming song for that, because if nothing it pissed him off. Wait for it.
Heheheheh. Jakey Melonhead.
He's so cute. Is he really gay? Do I really care? Not really.
Is this a picture of Katie & TommyGirl ?
*squints*
thinks its time to get my glasses updated.
can't see shit. :(
Reese, you are 35 years old and just got married to another man. It's immature to gossip about an ex that did nothing wrong to you with his 21 year old childish ex.
Taylor needs to get the fuck over her shitty relationships. Her mind seems to be stuck in high school. People break up all the time. You're no Snow White if you fooled around with John Mayer.
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It's not that serious.
rofl at NovaNightly distancing himself from Robby!
Here's what I am going to do, I am going to read up on how to be a Buddhist, and I am gonna pray to Buddha that he is going to reincarnate me so when I kill myself I can come back and be cool as fuck like you.
Submitted by citizenstrange on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:35am.
It was a big rumor that Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" was a dig at Mick Jagger but in fact he sang backup on it. When you listen for it, it is very easy to hear his distinctive voice.
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I thought it was about Warren Beatty?
Could have sworn I read that somewhere. Then again it could have been about any of the guys she dated, Carly got around in the 70's.
James Taylor even.
Submitted by NovaNightly on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:35am.
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*side-eyes NN* ;) JK!!!
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"my brows could subtract that WTF look on your face so move along"
Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon are disgusting.
Jakey has the worst taste in beards.
Thanks, Datura :) That's sweet of you. I have a love/hate relationship with my height, but it's kind of nice that I never have to wear heels. My klutzy ass would be on a stretcher after two steps.
this Nova is not affiliated with "RobbyNova" in any way!
GTFO...reported!
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
~Mitch Hedberg
It was a big rumor that Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" was a dig at Mick Jagger but in fact he sang backup on it. When you listen for it, it is very easy to hear his distinctive voice.
Submitted by RobbyNova on Fri, 09/02/2011 - 9:08am.
Audrina Patridge and her mom rock matching bikinis in Malibu.
Check it at RobbyNova's Pop World - Pop Culture From A Different Perspective
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This shit is the reason the "Report" button was created. Let's put it to good use!
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"my brows could subtract that WTF look on your face so move along"
One of my professors this semester is probably six feet tall. She's very striking, and she commands attention when she is in the room without coming off as overbearing or formidable. I would love to have that kind of presence.
*orders medieval stretching device*
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She appears to be under the delusion that she is so hot that she can go around sans fards. She needs the fards.-Deb 7/29/11