Taylor Swift And Reese Witherspoon Bond Over Jakey Gyllenhaal’s Vain Ways

UsWeekly says that the 8-year-old girl trapped in a 12-year-old’s body that is Taylor Swift and Reese Witherspoon ate lunch in L.A. together at Boa Steakhouse earlier this week and talked all about what it was like “dating” Jakey Gyllenhaal. As Taylor made an enchanted forest scene with her mashed potatoes and broccoli and Reese chiseled off her steak fat with her chin, they both agreed that Jakey spent a lot of time wooing them (the contract negotiations were long) and that their first date was intimate and romantic (only one pap showed up when they called them).

But then a source, who was obviously a fly on Reese’s chin (Note: If you’re going to be a fly on Reese’s chin, you’re going to want to be a fly on Reese’s chin while in front of Taylor Squint. Because that bitch can’t see shit and won’t notice you.), said they started having laughs about how Jake is really a granola unicorn wrapped around a Carly Simon song.

Reese Witherspoon and Taylor Swift lunched at Los Angeles’ Boa Steakhouse on Aug. 26 — and chatted about their shared ex, Jake Gyllenhaal!

“They talked about how vain and self-absorbed Jake can be,” a source tells Us Weekly. “They laughed about it.”

Since Reese Witherspoon burps out romantic comedy sing-along scenes on the regular and Taylor Swift is a walking romantic comedy sing-along scene, “You’re So Vain” magically started playing in the restaurant and those two blonde borings started singing into their spoons and spinning around the place like two cartoon bunny rabbits around a fucking maypole. The other people in the restaurant were not into it and started throwing zucchini flowers at those fruit flies, but Reese deflected that shit with her chin and kept on! She was not going to let flying zucchini flowers mess with her romantic comedy sing-along scene moment!

But really. How can anybody call Jakey “vain.” Just look at this face. Is this the face of a Vainy McVainster?

Yes, I’m sure he’s staring into a mirror across the room while thinking to himself, “Damn, I make beards wet faster than a Portland rainstorm*,” but he is not vain at all. Yes, he doesn’t mind if you’re a little veiny since that means you’re ribbed for his pleasure, but he is not vain! Taylor Swift needs to bite her Pollyanna ass tongue. But not because of the Jake thing. Ho needs to bite her tongue, because it might make her live singing voice sound better.

*You know, because there’s a lot of beards in Portland. Sorry, it’s Friday morning.