Rachel Cuchitel vs. Page Six

Long before Rachel Uchitel was Tiger Woods’ head side piece turned Celebrity Rehabber, she was a girl mourning the loss of her fiance who died during the attacks on 9/11. So because the 10th anniversary of 9/11 is coming up, Page Six Magazine asked Cuchitel about the death of her fiance. Cuchitel said in so many words that if he didn’t die she would’ve been wiping baby barf off of her fupa in Long Island instead of being one of the country’s highest paid whores and best known married man fuckers.

“I believe Andy was meant to die because he was too good. I’m almost happy it ended the way it did because I’ve learned so many lessons from him. It would have been tragic if we got into fights and then divorced.

I would be a fat housewife with three kids in Sands Point, LI.”

BUT WAIT! The mound of delusional stuffed into a silicone empanada tells TMZ that just like her lips, that story from Page Six is made of lies. Cuchitel says that Page Six twisted her words and what she really said is that she’d love nothing more than to be Andy’s housewife. Her lawyer Gloria Allred is already barking at Page Six and The New York Post, but they stand by what they printed and are refusing to say they’re sorry.

Who(re) to believe. Who(re) to believe. Page Six is an esteemed literary journal that would never play a game of Twister with a ho’s words in order to add a heavy dose of WTF to one of their articles. And Rachel Cuchitel is the epitome of tact and gracefulness who would never EVER ejaculate dingles of ridiculousness from her mouth in order to keep her name on the public’s eyes. This is obviously just a case of misunderstanding. Page Six has selective hearing and thanks to those bloated collagen cocoons on that bitch’s mouth, she probably sounds like a baboon farting out the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner into a fan when she talks.