The Devil Is Fapping Tonight!
If this doesn't give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don't know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery's asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie's wedding. There's more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.
And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn't know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy's chest. Either way, it's a win for the rest of us.
Here's the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym "Siamese Cat" Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).
via Zap2It
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David Arquette is going to win this thing! He is so freaking hilarious. This is him professing his love for his number one: http://www.mobli.com/davidarquette/347197/some-day-we-ll-be-together?ref...
Enhanced version of the photo:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvenP4I1-Q4
Stab my eyes out with a fucking spoon...now I know why they put Nancy Grace behind a desk.
CNN only shows Nancy from the chest up. I always envisioned her petite with skinny legs...
not borderline obese.
Nancy Helmet Hair Grace looks like she has two Cabbage Patch baby heads stuffed in her dress. David I Wanna Do You Now Arquette looks like he's fixing to do his dance partner 'doggy style'.
I wish I hadn't had a mouthful of sunflower seeds when I clicked on the pic of Ron I Don't Like My Real Name Artest and that one-legged lady.....half the seeds I sucked down my wind pipe and choked on and the other half got spewed out and are now stuck on my computer screen.
nanners - ive never been able to decide if they accidentally killed her, or if she came to death by injury while they were out, but that they are covering it up and have a lack of remorse only ascribable to sociopaths - of that i am sure.
3 days after she disappeared, gerry mccanns blog detailed their run, crowing about completing it in only 19 minutes.
thats just nothin, except crazy. i could give 1000 reasons why i think they are lying, but i havent got the time.
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The McCanns Did It
Commence Drag-u-lation!
I've never watched this mess but I think they have to work their butts off practicing for it. I imagine a few are happier than a puppy with two peters when they get the boot. Are they doing this for charity? I'm too lazy to Google the answer. I think they all look pretty good. Put me down for Kristin Camilerri (isn't that fried squid?) for the win. She looks the most at ease in the promo pics, the other contestants' stiffness and rigid postures are saying "Why the fuck did I agree to do this?"
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
Is Chaz Bono-who looks just like Ralphie May now-any less appropriate than Bristol Palin as a Dancing with the who gives a fuck contestant?
Like most of these people, Chaz is not a "star" and doesn't belong on here because that is not someone who is in any physical condition to be trying to dance.
2nd to last thumbnail = Amber-with-one-leg from SNL.
Someone's been shopping at Fashion Bug!
Obvious prediction for DWTS: David Arquette will "fall in love" with his partner and stalk her after he gets D'Qed.
No wonder Nancy is no longer hosting the show Swift Justice.
(973) Jersey Strong
Submitted by TiredofthisCrap on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 1:26pm.
I love this show *holdhead down in shame*.
I'm going to start cheering for the Clooney castoff Elisabetta, but if she can't dance I'm going for David Arquette.
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No No.....no shame here *snicker*....it's okay if you like this *snicker* show....it's okay HAHAHAHAHAHAHA....pardon me..I farted.
Carson Kressley looks so repulsed to have to touch a women....Oh Go On Carson...hold her like a dick.....maybe you'll have a chance at winning....
The only thing that is missing is Mr. Tiger Blood himself....Charly Sheen....I'd totally watch that mess!!!
I have to say the guy who was burned in Iraq should just be given the damn prize and all the money!!! Just think. If he had died and the Republicans were in office his coffin would have been hidden from sight.
I have never scene Nancy fro the neck down before. She kind of looks like a fire hydrant. I will have my mute button handy in case she starts to talk about her miracle twins.
Nancy is always talking about her "twins" on HLN and there they are! Should be a good season. A George Clooney reject, a trannie and "unleash all the lawyers" Nancy Grace.
Submitted by rosehips69 on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 11:25am.
Is there a drag queen who does a good Nancy Grace?
Pretty sure that is a drag queen... have we ever seen "Nancy" and Drew Carey in the same place at the same time?
That photo of Nancy Grace is terrifying. She looks ready to kill.Mr. W. thinks SHE murdered her boyfriend all those years ago and covered it up.
NG is going to be like Kate Gosslin around here when she was never voted off and MK died a little more every week.
Hmmm, actually I'm so cheap I'd even hit David Arquette... that used-car salesman smirk, that shiny tux...
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Good
As
You
I don't give a fuck about all these bitches, but still, I'd totally hit Maksim Chmerkovsticky... I know, I'm cheap like that...
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Good
As
You
To be honest I have a problem with Chaz too.
I can understand when people are feeling they've been born into the wrong body).
And it's totally okay with me when people decide they want to be a man but don't want their vagina to be changed. But if they chose to do so, they shouldn't see themselves as the new spokespersons of a minority as they're somewhat halfbaked - that's what's pissing me off.
I love this show *holdhead down in shame*.
I'm going to start cheering for the Clooney castoff Elisabetta, but if she can't dance I'm going for David Arquette.
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-
It's all about Metta World Peace FTW.
I had no idea Nancy grace was this hefty.
Team Chaz!
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"It's all fun and farts until somebody gets punched." -MK
"GREEN MILE MOTHERFUCKERS! JOHN COFFEY HELP US!" --urmomma, 8/24/11
Don't throw tomatoes at me but I'm cheering for NG! You know she's going to throw serious shade at Rob and the K-clan.
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The proper pronunciation is 'bitch, please'. - Jana
There's already controversy with half of the cotestants
Chaz- Controversy with stupid ass family groups
Rob- Already reports of him skipping practice and not showing up
David- I expect him to be drunk and drugged up every week.
Nancy- Bitch obviously is going to suck, I guarantee she will either quit, be a botch every week, or act nice to improve her image.
Elisabetta- Word is George doesn't want her on the show.
This show is good at killing off the careers of those who came in with one. *all the best to Nancy Grace!* Get that woman off the air. She's an embarrassment to our country. Arquette...expect some sexual assault or something from that guy.
Jinkasaurus!
Nancy Grace is the devil and she is dancing tonight
(I hate Nancy Grace)
Those doubting that people can be physically one sex and another genetically or regarding brain chemistry another need to do some research. Among the many disorders that exist is:
androgen insensitivity syndrome
Try Google.
~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~o~
Millions of Sequins will be cryin' and dancing tonight!!!
Coma Caca!
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Submitted by Nanners on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 11:22am.
Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 11:12am.
Just like that pregnant man bullshit.
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I'm with you there Nan, pregnant MAN indeed. LOL!
Submitted by anony54321 on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 11:26am.
I didn't know Nancy spoke to them. Do you think they killed her or are just covering up the death?
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What kind of fuckery is this?
LOLL holy shit I never imagined ever seeing Nancy G smile. Always thought she only snarled. And lmao at the fking 'morning office cocktail' recipe mess.
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Sinead's rockin' slore-queen checklist:
I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.
Stubble is a non-negotiable must.
Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
if nancy grace gave a shit about child abusers, she'd have had some different questions for the mccanns when they were on her show.
she is against child abusers who are POOR, perhaps. but a couple doctors do it? she has all the sympathy in the world for them.
see my siggie.
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The McCanns Did It
Is there a drag queen who does a good Nancy Grace? Because that would be amazing...
oh, and chris griffin in drag. that is COLD!
laughing!
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The McCanns Did It
Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 11:12am.
I have no problem calling Chaz "him" but I agree that genetically he is a woman and can't get beyond that. Just like that pregnant man bullshit.
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What kind of fuckery is this?
MK, thank you for cementing my affection by name checking The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, one of my personal favourites.
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"It's always funny until somebody gets hurt-then it's fucking hilarious": The late great Bill Hicks
i might actually watch this season. at least while carson and chaz are on. wait, i dont have cable. well, i might actually watch the clips of it. i watched kirstie alley clip last year when she fell, and i lived thru it. i think they made a big whoop out of nothing on that one, of course. well, thats what they do, isnt it?
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The McCanns Did It
GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI!!
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what's in your taco?: a. chicken b. beef c. fish d. QUEEF
Submitted by Hekki on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 9:24am.
NC-Ladee, I suspect that Nancy's "hair" is hiding something. Maybe her skull is terribly misshapen or she has deformed ears or I don't know what. There is no reason in the year of our lord 2011 that any woman in the civilized first world with salons and gheys abundant to have HAIR LIKE THAT. There has to be some reason.
Damn, I had to pick my azz up off the floor after reading this. Now that is some funny shyt!!!! But I sooo agree.
I'm sorry while I like to think I'm open minded there is one this about all this that bugs me and people can get a pissy with me as they like but...
Chaz is a she and will always be a she no matter what they do to her. She can cut, staple, sew, press, fold any thing she wants but at the end of the day her DNA will tell you the she is a she.
I refuse to call her him. I have no problem with her having operations to TRY and be like a man, I understand that she really feels like a man traped in a womans body but at the end of the day that's all it is. It's a FEELING of being out of place. You can't change a person's sex. Period!
Guess they couldn't afford to get the ladies any other color of dancing shoe besides bronze. Fugly!
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I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
~Mitch Hedberg
Oh, hahahaha, this is exactly what I was hoping for when they said Nancy was going on DWTS! It's one of those "awkward family photos" they have on that site, the ones where you go, what does this have to do with family? But you laugh anyway.
Damn, home girl's a moose. Didn't know that.