And The Emmy For Best Comedic Performance By A Midriff Goes To...
Trying to prove that the stick that's permanently shoved up her ass is actually a funny bone, Fishsticks Paltrow showed up to the Emmys last night in a hilarious dress that got more laughs than the shit was on Charlie Sheen's head. When she was talking to Ryan Gaycrest on the red carpet, I thought his peen was going to crawl up into his stomach so he could barf it out when he said that her Pucci dress was so sheer that we all faced the threat of seeing her cucci. Bitch's sense of reality is as fried as her hair if she thinks this shit looked sexy. GOOP looked like she was wearing a dildo cozy made of funeral doilies and grandma's old panties complete with Metamucil-induced skid marks.
Fishy is as skinny as a tampon string, but that dress made her look like she's serving up organic caca souffle. But I'm sure that a mere mortal will soon write an essay in The Morton Report about how they were choking on a chicken wing at an Emmy party when the sight of Fishy's stomach made them dry heave it out and SAVED THEIR LIFE! Fishy saves lives even when she looks like cold vanilla shit wrapped in memaw's table runner. Move on...
Here's a small gallery of more hos from last night along with my one-second comments. In order:
Paula Abdul who I'm assuming is wearing a sash made of bedazzled Vicodin pills for easy access.
Claire Danes who needs some fucking Latisse for her limp ass hair.
The Ginger Keeper of the Magnificent Chichis whose husband was obviously Mother Theresa in a past life.
Stepford Katie whose jooree box was obviously raided by Suri Cruise and Tommy Girl.
Heidi Klum whose coochie looks like its foaming at the mouth. Cujo coohie!
TWO CROSS-EYED GLAMOUR GODDESSES!
Jenna Aushwitz (I forget how to spell her last name and don't make me Google on a Monday
morning) who is wearing a reworked version of Brenda and Kelly's prom dress.
Sofia Vergara whose teeth scare me.
Jon Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt whose face is starting to look like it's made of non-biodegradable materials. And I don't know if Jennifer's sticking out her stomach in that second picture or if her ovaries are orgasming from touching her piece (probably the latter).
Kristen Wiig whose nostrils must've had a case of the shies last night.
Evan Rachel Wood who at first I thought was Austin Scarlett in drag and got really disappointed when I learned the truth.
Peter Dinklage who made my nipple holes squeeee when he picked up that big Emmy and spoke at that tiny microphone.
Julianne Marguiles who should throw those clear aquarium rocks at whoever told her to wear that busted dress.
Olivia Munn who needs to have a seat and stop.
Jim Parsons who needs to spend less time dipping his face in a bowl of foundation and more time manicuring those brows.
Kate Winslet who is there.
And finally, Melissa McCarthy, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!!!!
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Hahaha Fishy doesn't look THAT bad. The dress is really pretty, though let's face it: midriff baring is so fucking Spice Girls. Can we all just get over that? I love the 90s but the belly-baring shit was retarded across the board. It would've looked nicer as a one-piece (as if that should even be an option for a dress)..
Fishsticks needs to re-evaluate her hair situation. It's too light, it's aging her, and it does nothing for her features or her skin. It looks very thin and scraggly, with no life or body or texture.
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19 Cats and Counting!
THE FULL RELEASE LOOP
What the underlying loop inside all of this really is
1974 someone used satellite time and brain cephalics (same thing), to view me, in 19764
The sound of the BR
Olivia Munn - the slapdash approach and poor taste are beyond belief. Her hair looks TERRIBLE and so easily could've looked nice and neat.
Sarah Smile
Aside from Hendricks there seemed to be a complete lack of cleavage on the Emmys...really quite boring.
i have never been attracted to Seal but...damn! bitch is hot in these photos!
and what is at the bottom of Melissa McCarthy's emmy...a price tag? confused.
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler seem to say, "We just had babies, FUCK THE SPANX. And bow before our bodacious nursing tatas!"
Love them.
Sofia Veraga's teeth are fixed--probably veneers? But she definitely got her teeth fixed.
Jim Parsons is the reason I watch Big Bang Theory, but when is Jim gonna come out of the closet?
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"Bitch, stop. We're not a family of Martha Fucking Stewarts."
Submitted by Puppy Love on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 12:46pm.
LOL! That Modern family girl was fucking hilarious and spot on! I cannot believe Leah Michele proceeded to do EXACTLY what she made fun of at the Emmy's!
Fashion Police is going to be fun as shit tonight.
-"Well, should we get more coffee or get two guns and shoot ourselves?"
I love the skirt part of Goopy's outfit, the top sucks (as does the Goopster). Midriff exposure is so 2005.
Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:06am.
I don't think Fishy is unattractive, but she def has a boyish figure. Meanwhile, people hate on Christina Hendricks' curves and call her fat? Does not compute. If I were a man, I'd get all up in Christina's situation and give Fishy a 'meh'.
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I'm a woman and I get all up in Christina's situation :P
I share adoration of Christina and her chichis with MK
Sophia Vergara is stunning too ^^
Kate Winslet is gorgeous. LOVE her dress.
love heidis dress... but who baby oiled the seal? lol
love heidis dress... but who baby oiled the seal? lol
Submitted by luvmehateme on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:26am.
Gwyneth looks like a Bollywood hooker-asshole hybrid
HAW!
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"It's all fun and farts until somebody gets punched." -MK
"GREEN MILE MOTHERFUCKERS! JOHN COFFEY HELP US!" --urmomma, 8/24/11
I've sometimes thought that all it takes to look good in clothes is to be very skinny, Hollywood/runway skinny. The Emmys has shown me that I was very wrong. You also need taste.
Also, Sofia Vergara looks great...minus the teeth picture.
Oh, look, Chrissy's got her tits out again. Ho hum.
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"It's all fun and farts until somebody gets punched." -MK
"GREEN MILE MOTHERFUCKERS! JOHN COFFEY HELP US!" --urmomma, 8/24/11
Clare Danes looks exactly like January Jones. eerie.
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"LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone's sponsor or something." -MK
Submitted by precociousmagpie on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 1:31pm.
@Whamo, This is your MOMENT, Dude! Git it! Chris Martin is too busy with whoever he's poking, and Goopy is *vulnerable*, for lack of manly attention. I don't know why you're not on a plane right this second with a bouquet of edimame and a heart-shaped tempehloaf.
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heart-shaped tempehloaf....LMAO! ( I had to look it up)
That Chris IS a pussy, I'm a shoe in for sure!
"One day she will be mine"
Goopy is just so not sexy to me...no Sofia, forget about it...that woman has major major curves...and of course the Keeper of the Magnificent Chi-Chi's ...now those women are off the charts seriously hot, but Goopy..with the drab hair and trying hard to be sessy outfit...major fail...I think curves are definately back thank God...and yes, it is o.k. now to eat a Cheeseburger all of Hollyweird....never watch this cause I only root for cable shows...so it is always a miss for me....
GP- Not a GOOPY-friendly dress. When she came out, I was like AAhhhhhooooooeeewwwww. Midrift malfunction! She's too old to pull some Pretty in Pucci cut up shit. DREK!
Stepford Katie- looked tired. Just TY-RED.
Sofia- Amazing!
Evan. Is. Hot.
Loved Peter's speech. I wonder is he uses a strap-on to please his wife?
Julianne- looked great, very Fembotic.
Congrats Melissa!!!
Obviously Paltrow's trainor tells her how awesome her body is looking, and someone needs to tell her he is exaggerating....
Submitted by precociousmagpie on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 1:31pm.
@Whamo, This is your MOMENT, Dude! Git it! Chris Martin is too busy with whoever he's poking, and Goopy is *vulnerable*, for lack of manly attention. I don't know why you're not on a plane right this second with a bouquet of edimame and a heart-shaped tempehloaf.
He needs to go the other way. Haven't you seen "Straw Dogs"?
@Whamo, This is your MOMENT, Dude! Git it! Chris Martin is too busy with whoever he's poking, and Goopy is *vulnerable*, for lack of manly attention. I don't know why you're not on a plane right this second with a bouquet of edimame and a heart-shaped tempehloaf.
Tacky as fuck.
Julianna Margulies looks like a fucking wall sconce.
Whoa wtf, Olivia Munn? that tragic dress looks like someone's overgrown Jolly Green Giant halloween costume.
I like Goopy's dress too, except it would look better sleveless. I hate to admit it but she does look good here.
Kate Winslet looks stunning, as usual.
Peter Dinklage is awesome. SO happy to see that well-deserved recognition for his killer portrayal of Tyrion in Game of Thrones.
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"LiLo is talking like she has swam out of the Jack Daniels bottle, hiked past the coke mountains, dove off of a crack spoon and is now ready to be someone's sponsor or something." -MK
In my whole life I've seen no more than 10 pics of Christina Hendricks, and already I'm sick of the sight of her. From the way she dresses you can tell she thinks she's the bomb, while in actual fact she looks downright memawish.
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Who are you calling silly cow?
I love you Michael...you never ever disappoint! The bitch killed sexy with this ho of derion getup! It's no wonder her husband doesn't take her ass anywhere.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 12:19pm.
Wow you wiwwy wuv her dontcha?
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You gave me the giggles with that one!
and yes.....yes I do. :)
Gwyneth's hair is literally screaming for mercy. She should go for a softer style with natural waves and stop it already with the high-lift bleaching. More subtle ash-tone highlights would suite her ruddy complexion better.
LOVED Martha P's dress--it was my favorite of the night by far.
MK needs to post about the cute girl from Modern Family appearing on E! Fashion Police and making fun of Lea Michelle's obnoxious preening and posing on the red carpet. Good stuff and nice to see that hideous cunt taken down a peg.
I don't get the hate.
I think Gwyneth's look pretty, but in some photos the dress looked a little weird in the tummy area. I know she's skinny as hell but sometimes her midriff looked like rising dough, as in pic below:
http://www.eonline.com/photos/gallery.jsp?galleryUUID=3723#141551
Agree with poster who said she thinks her body is more banging than it is. This would be a perfect dress on someone with a gorgeous waist, like Shakira, or someone really slim yet well-proportioned like Zoe Saldana.
Submitted by Goldigga on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:46am.
There doesn't seem to be an attractive feature on Christina Hendricks' husband, yet I find him sexy as hell. Dammit man! *shakes him by the shoulders* What kind of spell do you have over me!!?
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I suspect he's a pro in the sack and treats her like a goddess. She's called him "dreamy" so you know he must've done something to earn that.
Submitted by Echo27 on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 12:12pm.
My favorite Fishsticks moment of the night was when they showed her laughing during the Melissa McCarthy win. That was her most impressive bit of acting in a while. It must have been hard for her to pretend that she wasn't repulsed by someone so large actually winning something.
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OMG I was thinking the exact same thing. Imagining her going up and poking her saying ah what's going on here?? Then Melissa would go into bridesmaid Megan mode and kick the living shit out of her.
A girl can dream can't she?
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:59am.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:46am.
::shrugs:: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder I guess. ;)
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Hey you, I'll take you down with Ms Magpie as well, don't think I won't! :)
hahaha I'm shakin in my boots. Wow you wiwwy wuv her dontcha?
My favorite Fishsticks moment of the night was when they showed her laughing during the Melissa McCarthy win. That was her most impressive bit of acting in a while. It must have been hard for her to pretend that she wasn't repulsed by someone so large actually winning something.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:46am.
::shrugs:: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder I guess. ;)
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Hey you, I'll take you down with Ms Magpie as well, don't think I won't! :)
Submitted by precociousmagpie on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:07am
I'm distracted by the color of her face. Did she fall asleep under the sun lamp in her hotel bathroom?
And the hair. It looks even worse than mine.
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Lol....Hey easy there little Ms.Magpie, That's my Gwenny you're hacking on..you just might want to back that Gwenny hatin bus up right now.
*side eyes bottle and a table to break it over*
You're right about Chris Martin though. I don't think I can remember a single picture of these two together in the past couple of years. I think their marrige has been over for some time.
All the more reason she should dump that squid jigger and go out with a real man....that would be me by the way..you know... in case you didn't get that.
Is there gonna be a Paz de la Huerta post already?
Is there gonna be a Paz de la Huerta post already?
Is there gonna be a Paz de la Huerta post already?
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:57am.
Submitted by Ophelias evil twin on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:13am.
::gets ready to hose down Whamo::
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That's right and she looks FINE AS HELL here thank you very much.lol
I mean come on...look at her!!
::shrugs:: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder I guess. ;)
Submitted by lalamaria on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:13am.
Julie is naturally thin but last night was not normal for her. She is beautiful and I love her dress but she looked awful.
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You really have to side clap and pucker for a piece who can stand next to a white feather and out-gay it. - MK 8/3/2011
Love Danes's dress. Actually, CD looks a little like Fishsticks in The Royal Tennanbaums, which I loved.
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Silly rabbit.
I gotta admit that Peter Dinklage gives me a little tingle.
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I've written a letter to MK...saying...I...love...youuuuuu.
Submitted by lindentree on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 11:03am.
Melissa McCarthy is talented and funny. You can add Emmy winner to the list now, too.
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I LOVE her! She seems like a sweetie too
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"Your mama is going to make George Clooney happier than anybody ever could!" - MK
Fishy looks way too "Salahi" to me.
Her skin is gorgeous though.
Sofia V looks like shit in the face and she's generally great looking. Fab figure though.
The dwarf looks like a sad little dude underneath the half-smiles. I bet he rages inside.
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Dark-sided!
Last night I was not impressed. Fishy 's dress is the best though minus the bare belly.
These hoes have NO flavour.
Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:30am.
I loved Martha Plimpton's dress.
and, yeah...who knew the goonie was hiding that body? she looked fantastic.
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watching hardcore ufos
Submitted by louise_brooks on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:48am.
Submitted by Chris Eccleston... on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:33am.
Am I the only person on Earth that thinks Kristen Wiig isn't funny?
No, I don't find her funny either.
thank christ i'm not alone. i cannot stand the wiig. i'll take olivia munn 1000X over before the wiig.
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watching hardcore ufos
Submitted by Vern on Mon, 09/19/2011 - 10:27am.
OooooooH I watched Projectile runway last night! I got the sads that boobs are so unfashionable!
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I love Projectile! I couldn't stop laughing at all the boys, wringing their hands over the "boobs" and saying they would ruin everything with their roundness and overall unmanageability. That one dude, Oliver, is such a BABY. Okay, fine, you're gay and not into boobs, but you want to make clothes for WOMEN, most of whom have boobs. Stop acting like a 5th grader, FFS, and grab the French curve. I guarantee you wouldn't hear the female designers whining, "Ohhhh, where am I going to put these testicles?! They destroy the integrity of the pants!"