Iconic Beauty Courtney Stodden Tells Us All About Her Wedding Night

Listening to your own mom go into detail about her yeast infection situation is slightly less uncomfortable than exposing your sense of hearing to the overly forced soft-core Spice Channel ludicrousness that slithers off of 17-year-old Courtney Stodden’s lizard tongue when talking about how she lost her virginity on her wedding night at the #1 honeymoon destination in the country: Chateau Marmont in fucking Hollywood.

The plastic velociraptor who was brought to life using Rhonda Shear’s DNA tells Radar that as soon as her 51-year-old husband Doug Hutchison plucked her precious blossom (may the FBI break down my front door and put me out of my misery for that one), her body went on a 24-hour-long orgasm coaster. It’s a damn shame that The Red Shoe Diaries isn’t around anymore, because this ho would’ve been their head writer.

“We went to the Chateau in Hollywood it was so beautiful it was a wonderful experience. I was aroused for 24 hours straight.”

Courtney was a 16-year-old virgin in the vagina at the time and Doug has a face like a 3-day old bacon cheddar ball warmed up in an Easy Bake Oven, so she’s probably confusing “nauseous” with “aroused.” Speaking of the heaves, Courtney said that if she ever went to college she’d study her husband’s body:

“I would go to college and study all of Doug. All of his body, and all the elements within that. What they do and what they still do. It would be a lot of fun.”

I don’t even really know what that means and I don’t think this bitch does either. Courtney then said that Doug is like Hazel to her Missy.

“He’s cooking for me, cleaning for me, he’s like the wife around the house. He picks up the slack around the house and that’s very inspiring to me.”

“That’s very inspiring”?! It’s like everything that comes out of Courtney’s mouth was Mandarin translated into English translated into Cantonese translated back into English on Google Translator. Courtney’s entire vocabulary consists of all the words found in Viagra spam.

And just because Doug’s face looks like a rode hard vagina molded out of Play-Doh doesn’t mean he’s been near an actual vagina.

If you need to see the video of this mess of an interview, click here and proceed with caution. That shit should be shown in every child beauty pageant dressing room with a note underneath it that reads: WARNING – This is your future.

And no, I can’t look away either.