Thursday, October 20th 2011

FYI: Jamie Bell Knows How To Please A Woman

11 years ago you were screaming "Dance, Billy, dance!" at Jamie Bell as Billy Elliot, and now suddenly you're screaming "Flick, Billy, flick!" at an all grown up Jamie Bell. 25-year-old Jamie, who is twirling his tongue on Evan Rachel Wood nowadays, was asked by British GQ what he thinks is a skill every man should put on his resume. If you can't see Jamie as anything other than a boy child who can dazzle any dancefloor with the shards of magic that shoot off of his toes when he dances, then you'll want to cover your eyes and think of white tutus. Because Jamie leaped through puberty and gets the hornies all the time now. Spread your legs, grab onto Jamie's handlebars ears and get some of this:

What's the best way to impress a woman?
Buy her flowers? Take her home on the weekend to meet your mother? No. Let's cut to the primal - be good in the sack. [Slaps thighs] Have an understanding of what's going on down there and have fun, awesome sex.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever received?
What's the best penis I've ever seen?

No! Actually, what is the best penis you've ever seen?
[Collapses into laughter] That is a good question. The best piece of advice I ever received was "Don't fuck your publicist." Russell Crowe told me that. It's probably a smart move. [Both of his publicists are now in the room, attempting to bring the interview to a close] No! It's GQ!

What skill should every man have?
Skill? You know what I'm going to say. A man should have a good understanding of a vagina. He should be good at oral sex. On a woman.

You do realise you've got another publicist standing right behind you?
I don't care. A skill a man should have? Making fires and pleasing a woman. In the vaginal area.

"In The Vaginal Area" really needs to be the title of Jamie's memoirs.

Jamie should've just tattooed FIRE-MAKING HETERO on his forehead for those out there who didn't get the point that he's a pussy-eating heterosexual man who crushes beer cans on his forehead when he's not taming the clit or making a fire. Jamie is so hetero that sometimes he crushes a beer can on his forehead while taming the clit and making a fire at the same time. We get it, Jamie. You've traded in pirouettes for pussy.

Jamie is right, though. I can only love a man if he knows how to eat a pussy. If he flinches when I scream, "YES! Eat that dick like a pussy!" at him, then I'm so not going to give him a good review on the customer satisfaction card he gives me afterward.

But really, isn't making a fire and orally pleasing a lady sort of the same thing. That's what it looks like in straight porn, anyway. The dude gets really close to the lady's coochie, handles it gently with his fingers at first and then rubs it really, really hard while blowing on it. I always wait for him to use a mirror to shine sunlight at her coochie so it starts to spark and he can finally make s'mores on it later.

The only part of cunnilingus that is not like making a fire is when the dude spits on her clitoris. I know I've said this before, but for why must he do this?! That is not sexy. Unless the clit is dull or he sees the face of Michael Lohan on it, he shouldn't spit at it! Have some common courtesy!

Posted by: Michael K


Dgrin's picture

if i tuck my junk between my legs, will he give my ass a preview of those oral super-abilities? immature dude, but he's hot and cute so i'd hit it,

CarmenElectrical's picture

I can't get past those ears...

AMEN AMEN AMEN!!!!

also, i agree with MK about straight porn...probably the best description of it i've ever read, in fact. brilliant, as usual, MK

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RE: Submitted by boston61 on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 12:46pm.
He is very young. Soon he will find out that what women really want is a guy who has no sex drive and who has a very big bank account.

www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack

Mrs Patrick Campbell's picture

All this talk about pingas going into fish stink-holes is making us nauseous!

Hysteria's picture

That photo looks like it was made with tempera paint.
.
.

Hysteria's picture

Um, overcompensate much, Jamie?

I refuse to focus on his dirty talk. Billy Elliot was such a work. The last scene is among my favorite in any film. Wooosh!
.
.

Kelly Ann's picture

Also, I don't like this kid. He talks too much.

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If you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be IN YOU!

Kelly Ann's picture

Submitted by But.Seriously.Folks on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 12:17pm.

I'm with ba-buttons. Everybody needs an older lovah to show em what's what. No pedo shit--consenting adults. When I was 19 I hooked up with a 45 year old. Hell to the yes, he schooled my ass. My next boyfriend actual asked me the dreaded "where'd you learn to do that??"
______________________
This is the truth. I was with a guy 15 years older than me for a long time who showed me how to do everything right, and then got with a young buck last week. Nothing is better than hearing "Damn, you're good!"

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If you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be IN YOU!

Well, I already knew this, but I'm weird because I like men, sex, even porn, and.....I've been paying my own bills my whole adult life! In other words, a happily functioning grown-up who doesn't like the victim mentality or "us vs. them" garbage.

3rd Eye Blonde's picture

Porn can become cartoonishly addictive and it's very unrealistic which can lead a person down a path of being unable to relate to other human beings.

The sensory receptors in a man's brain light up like Christmas when they see nudity, the same effect in women is much more lower on the scale [like duh, I know, Old news]. Women in the study, who do have their brains display 'Christmas Vacation' on crack are usually very overt and have had over 20 sexual partners.

Most people in porn DO have some pretty sad backgrounds and drug addictions, molested, raped, horrible parents etc., which is why watching porn just makes me feel guilty as shit after I bust a nut.

Much like prostitution though, you can't remove something that is marketable and underground and it's sad that some women are nothing more than crotch meat to some dude who wants to wax his weasel or as the current term is, "pump and dump".

I personally would love every abusive, kidnapping, flesh-peddling pimp on this planet to be summarily singed with laser-beams from planet Venus.

And that's all I got.

Peace out.

hoganbcmj's picture

I still like him. Though he's half way to Shia at this point.

*******
This signature will be publicly displayed at the end of my comments.

http://hipandcritical.blogspot.com/

MickeyHolland's picture

Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 8:39pm.

Thank you for saying what I wanted to say (but would have had to spend hours on to find the right words). In my book too, female solidarity means respecting other women's choices, even if they are not your own. That's the spirit of freedom that the generations before us fought hard for.

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Rusty, tu nous manque! Sois gentil et donne-nous de tes nouvelles!

Whatever's picture

Who is this kid?

Thamar's picture

ha!

Submitted by boston61 on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 12:46pm.
He is very young. Soon he will find out that what women really want is a guy who has no sex drive and who has a very big bank account.

word!

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this entire conversation here -dlisted archive

bwhahahahahah

"OH YOU FANCY HUH" - KA

boredasfuckyo's picture

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 9:18pm.
I hope you don't mean 70s porn jungle bush natural, because that shit is gross for everyone..

__________________________________
Angels say they can make you suffer.They give and take like a vicious lover .When all this loses meaning, You'll never want it back somehow"-Neverending White Lights (The Grace)

Zorba-the-Geek's picture

Submitted by A.cotw on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 9:33pm.

Erotica is also hot. When I was a kid, I'd get so turned on by, um, Anne Rice novels. Yeah, I'm a nerd :)

Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 9:18pm.
Is it too late to debate porn?
________________________________
On the Dlist, it's never too late to discuss anything related to human sexuality. Your post was very interesting. I think pornography in fiction or film can be healthy. Sometimes just reading or watching something you might have fantasized about is satisfying. Can also be reassuring if you're curious-there is no such thing as a fetish no else has.

I prefer the written variety.

Zorba-the-Geek's picture

Is it too late to debate porn?

*listens for crickets*

To throw my opinion into the void, I do hate most mainstream porn. Very fixated on the male point of view, of course. Theatrical and cold. Women with big plastic tits and dead eyes, the men anonymous and ugly. An almost toddler-like obsession with body parts. Mostly very disappointing.

The catch is, I really do enjoy a good amateur porn video, the kind where it's two people who obviously know each other well. There's nothing more sexy than seeing someone have a real orgasm, not the fakey "Give it to me harder!" shit you see in mainstream porn. What I'd love to see is more porn like that, but I guess that kind of naturalism is harder to obtain in mass quantities, whereas with mainstream porn you imagine people can film 100 of those crappy videos in a week. Sad but profitable.

Submitted by Bree on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 6:03pm.
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he only gives up the dick once a month and he never eats her out? oh hell no! not only should she leave him, but bite down on his dick good and hard beforehand. that actually makes me angry and i dont even know you or your stepsister.

also i've heard some women dont need oral but im telling you, if u have someone who does it right you will never be able to go back to getting it just every now and then.

boredasfuckyo's picture

Migraineuse, all I hear is you trying to be a text-book pseudo feminist, and no offense to you, or your new age hypocrisy, "women are empowered, they are intelligent creatures who are not naive, to thus only flip flop and contradict yourself, in calling women victims for chosing to do something of their own free- will" bullshit. RAPE IS NOT OF ONES FREE WILL. RAPE IS FORCED. I have friends and family who were raped. They didn't go along with it, or get paid, unless you mean paid with emotional and mental scars to this day. So I resent you sitting here, telling me these stupid sluts were raped. It's not okay and it's NOT THE SAME....You sound like one of those fucking people who sit here and say, "Well violent video games should be banned because it will only make kids violent." Thats not true.

You also sound like one of those women who try to make other women feel bad for their choices because they don't suit your "IDEA" of what dignity and respect should be, and try to make them feel as if they are brain-washed by a male dominated society. I like some porn. I CHOSE TO WATCH IT. You're just as bad as the "male" dominated society in which you speak of, Because you still use the same tactics of, guilt and repression to get people to feel a certain way and take a way choice. Feminists are hypocritical too, and do nothing for womens rights or "movement", it's just like most religions. It's not self-defeating as a woman, because, I am not trying to be anyone's idea of"every" woman. I'm not Whitney "Crackhead" Houston. Nor does it mean I condone the abuse and RAPE of women. Once again, these females "consent" to this.And I know for a fact alot of women, like porn. Not all of them just admit it. And it has nothing to do with "male domination." If anything porn is, still infact frowned upon, by alot of people.

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Angels say they can make you suffer.They give and take like a vicious lover .When all this loses meaning, You'll never want it back somehow"-Neverending White Lights (The Grace)

Goldigga's picture

Hey mate, you left your car doors open! lol.

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Her:"I bought sparkling wine. Let's have girls night!" Me:"I would rather put a cigarette out on my clit." - Slashleen on Twitter

becky n sydney's picture

Submitted by johnnysgirl on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 2:34pm.
Brings this joke to mind (better spoken than read):

Q: How does a woman hold her liquor?

A: By the ears!!!!!

"""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Hahahahaha!!

HB to Tom Petty

becky n sydney's picture

Submitted by MickeyHolland on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 11:36am.

I would never allow him down there, because I would be afraid that his ears would create a vortex.
""""""""""""""""""""""""""
Hahahahaha!!

HB to Tom Petty

Bree's picture

Submitted by jackie on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:56pm.

I actually read an article about that...well, it was a guy, but basically his wife refused sex all the time and he became so resentful and frustrated that they picked fights about every little thing because he just became so annoyed about the whole thing. Eventually it all just built up and the relationship blew up because of it.

The other thing is, she says she gives him blowjobs often (like when it's that time of the month) but he never goes down on her. I can't really judge her for that, my boyfriend is the same, but I think that's kind of selfish too lol at least a little hand action would be nice.

I don't know. I think her boyfriend is just at this point where he's comfortable. He has someone he can confide in, do stuff with, be himself with, and that's all good for him so he doesn't want to lose that. But it's not fair when the other person is unhappy about something and you don't want to fix it.

Bree's picture

Submitted by howdareyou on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:45pm.
Submitted by Bree on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:37pm.

If she's torn, then sex must be pretty important to her, and I'm assuming masturbation isn't cutting it. If she's talked to him about it and nothing has changed, then it's not something he's willing to work on.

If it was me, I'd have to assume one of 3 things: 1) he has a medical problem; 2) he's fucking someone else; or 3) he's gay or simply isn't attracted to her (even if he loves her). Once a month just doesn't seem normal for a man in his 20's. (Of course, I'm no doctor/expert.)

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Thanks for your input, I appreciate it. She feels bad because a lot of people tell her she's an idiot to give up something good for sex when it's not important, but I don't think it's fair to tell people whether or not sex should be important. I think it depends on the person.

She also feels bad because she's put on a bit of weight since they started dating and although he says that isn't the cause, she's pretty sure it is. Now she wants to lose weight not for herself, but for him, which bothers me.

@ bree

That's just not gonna work. She will become resentful and rightfully so and that tension will leak over into other areas of the relationship. She needs to ask him straight out why do we only have sex once a month. Have a real discussion about it and if he still hasn't changed or given a valid explanation then I say leave. Not so easy when emotions are involved but its pretty selfish on his part.

Submitted by Bree on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:37pm.

If she's torn, then sex must be pretty important to her, and I'm assuming masturbation isn't cutting it. If she's talked to him about it and nothing has changed, then it's not something he's willing to work on.

If it was me, I'd have to assume one of 3 things: 1) he has a medical problem; 2) he's fucking someone else; or 3) he's gay or simply isn't attracted to her (even if he loves her). Once a month just doesn't seem normal for a man in his 20's. (Of course, I'm no doctor/expert.)

Bree's picture

Would you guys leave someone if you were sexually incompatible, but compatible in every other way?

My stepsister's guy is perfect for her in every way - treats her like a princess, takes her out often, is emotionally supportive, etc. but she says they hardly ever have sex. She's tried lotions, lingerie, toys, initiating, even talking to him about it and nothing changes - they have sex about once a month (they are in their late 20s). An open relationship is out of the question so she is pretty torn about it..she wants to be with him but can't really picture the rest of her life pretty much sexless. Any thoughts?

ImpertinentVixen's picture

A man in the bush is worth two in the hand.

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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.

Oh and that dude totally has the perfect ears for grabbing during oral lol.

A man who can give good oral is a must. My first real boyfriend spoiled me so bad I now hold potential partners to a very high standard. My boyfriend now is just okay but I'm trying to teach him cuz I love him so much. If I didn't I would have been dropped his ass.

Bree's picture

Submitted by nebajnim on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 2:56pm.
As a hetro with a real horny woman I will tell you that the pussy eating business is not like they do it in porn, and usually my woman just wants the ol ding a ling. The extended foreplay is for special occasions, at least roun here. That smacking and manipulating stuff is for show only.

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I don't know about that. My boyfriend hasn't touched my vagina with anything but the ding a ling in a year and I actually wish he wouldn't go straight for that right away ALL the time.

The rest of this thread cracks me up. I love porn but only when it's not so incredibly obviously fake. I like watching guys and girls together who look like they genuinely want it, and girls and girls together who look like they actually enjoy vagina and aren't just doing it for guys' attention.

I love an enthusiastic guy but I fucking hate braggers. I dated a guy who was great and wanted everything all the time and nobody would know it, and I dated an asshole who bragged all the time and had the smallest dick I'd ever seen. He was a douche too. How can you afford to be such an asshole with such a tiny penis?! He actually sent me a text after he went home APOLOGIZING for his small size. Who the eff does that?!

Bree's picture

Submitted by dementa on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 4:52pm.
Submitted by Migraineuse on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 3:00pm.

Do you EVER take the victimized feminist lecturer hat off, and just gossip about stupid celebrities being stupid?

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HAHAHAHAHA yes!!!!!!!

charlie loves tiger's picture

Submitted by Tigerlilly on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 4:58pm.
___________

this is what i have to say to you. it is just my extreme declaration of love. it's called the sweetest thing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V4dldrsOpQA

love you

Tigerlilly's picture

Submitted by boston61 on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 12:46pm.
He is very young. Soon he will find out that what women really want is a guy who has no sex drive and who has a very big bank account.
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add a heart problem and you've got the perfect man...I keed, I keed...but uh, any takers? What? I be a broke ass bitch...

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Sorry, Roger, you are tiger now...

Submitted by Migraineuse on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 3:00pm.

Do you EVER take the victimized feminist lecturer hat off, and just gossip about stupid celebrities being stupid?

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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

If some one already said this, sorry (can't read this thread) but this guy makes my crotch drier than whatever nasty place Burning Man is held upon.

This.Thread.Is.Hilarious.

Migraineuse's picture

Submitted by boredasfuckyo on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 2:40pm.

Rape culture hurts all women, but some women pretend it's ok. They think if they go along with it, internalize it, suck up to the men, and police other women, that they will earn a few crumbs of male approval and be spared the worst that the patriarchy has to offer. Sometimes it works, for a while.

Eventually women show signs of age and are discarded in favor of fresh young eager (and easily controlled) girls. No matter how beauty compliant women try to be, no matter how much sex they hand out to the mens, the men will take whatever they have to give and discard them.

Women are not equal in power, wealth or status. Women do not control society. Men do. Which is why we live in a rape culture in the first place: because women are systematically deprived of resources until they have to sell the only thing they own. The only choices are wife or whore, and most go for wife because it's the better deal. But whore has a lot of takers, especially among those who believe that it's empowering or freeing to do exactly what men want you to do. After all, the male dominated society told you that being a sexualized object is jolly good, and they wouldn't lie, would they.

So it's self-defeating for women to embrace porn, align themselves to the male-dominated status quo, and attack the very feminists who want to free them -- yet many women still do it. The lifetime of immersion in a rape culture is hard to overcome. And resistance is a lonely road.

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Sounds like what an Old French Whore might offer. "Yeeees, I will au vin your coq and for a few francs more also shia laboeuf...." --- ImpertinentVixen

rotten_egg's picture

-"Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 1:10pm."

Indeed!. Could it be because porn is more for masturbation than actual sex?. Hence the quickies for the men and no action for the chick.. other than the fast humping. Whatever the reason, it's giving a really bad example for the young guys who start off on it.

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-"I am not about to deal with unstable people" - HEART ANGELINA.

nebajnim's picture

As a hetro with a real horny woman I will tell you that the pussy eating business is not like they do it in porn, and usually my woman just wants the ol ding a ling. The extended foreplay is for special occasions, at least roun here. That smacking and manipulating stuff is for show only.

johnnysgirl's picture

Brings this joke to mind (better spoken than read):

Q: How does a woman hold her licquor?

A: By the ears!!!!!

boredasfuckyo's picture

Submitted by Migraineuse on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 11:38am.
MK, what goes on during the graphic representation of rape (porn) has nothing to do with what women want. Porn is by, about and for the male gaze. The men who make it do not know what pleases women, and they don't care.

Porn is ridiculous and utterly unlike real het sex.

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So a penis doesn't go in a vagina? Oh dear, I think you need a sex ed class.
Unless you mean the degrading factor...Not all porn is degrading. It just depends on what you watch.
Secondly, I don't feel bad for porn actresses being "degraded" they are whores on film, who allow themselves to be treated that way.

I'm not all pro porn or whatever, but I'm a chick, and I like some of it. So it's not just for men. I just have the balls (or in this case vagina) to admit it.
I still think this bag of shit is gay, though. He needs to stfu.

__________________________________
Angels say they can make you suffer.They give and take like a vicious lover .When all this loses meaning, You'll never want it back somehow"-Neverending White Lights (The Grace)

boredasfuckyo's picture

Please, he needs to give it up and come out the closet. We all know he's Nelly. And I don't mean that bitch, Nelly Olsen. Ain't no shame, come out boo.

__________________________________
Angels say they can make you suffer.They give and take like a vicious lover .When all this loses meaning, You'll never want it back somehow"-Neverending White Lights (The Grace)

Dannii's picture

haha mk, what kinda porn have you been watching? these days in porn the men dont get near a womans clit it just seems to be all about the mens and their...well i dont need to elaborate. in fact i havent even seen a woman actually orgasm in porn which is a pity.

and that whole smacking a womans tit that men do in porn which is so fucking annoying-if a guy did that i would certainly reciprocate-by giving his penis a good hard smack!

hamblettamaud's picture

Where is Detective LaToya to GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS?

(kiss this)--------------------------->>> (_!_)

He's exactly right but his face scares me and my poon for some reason, forget it being anywhere my happy place.

_____
Bugs Bunny 'What's Opera, Doc?"- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2VMqQ6XnmI (Beginning portion)
Dre,Eminem, Skylar- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VA770wpLX-Q&ob=av3e

snowball's picture

He's trying way too hard to sound like an adult heterosexual man in a relationship and instead sounds like a 12 yr. old who's been watching Beavis and Butthead and a lot of porn to try and figure out how to come across like "one of the guys" who's a little douchey.

Congrats! You're a little douchey! Unfortunately, you're not very believable. If he's seen and had his mouth on a vagina, I think in the back of his mind, he's been screaming, "icky icky icky," the whole time.

Agnostic 1's picture

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 12:58pm.
Agnostic I would take the first one, and try to teach him. Guys usually love to see that they're making their woman go crazy. :)
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That would work if #1 didn't already believe himself to be a master and if the person doing the telling had only one previous lovah on her CV thus leading #1 to believe that his woman didn't know WTF she was talking about!

Datura: #2 is the kind of guy who's had the misfortune of being with girls suffering from the Not so Fresh feeling who demanded quid pro quo, so he had the impression that going down was a smelly thing that he had to endure. After being with #1 for so long Someone Who Isn't Me didn't demand reciprocity after giving, then one day in the heat of the moment he decided to do it without being asked, he was most excellent and he LOVED IT.

Jack: First of all, RIGHT ON! Secondly, you're 100% right about the spitters!
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"How nice, to feel nothing, and still get full credit for being alive."
- Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

cprincess's picture

What is that joke about computers and men and you only care when they go down or something???

"NOSOPD -Not our sort of person darling"