This Is Too Sexy Hot For The Pumpkin Patch To Handle

Speaking of shit that should be banned from the world, that burning sensation taking over your eyeballs that feels like the tips of your lashes are growing genital warts and your retinas are wrinkling into the fetal position could only mean one thing: it’s a Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison post!

If this precious picture of the 17-year-old reptile bride and her creepy serial killer-looking husband posing with the Lohan family (who are looking less orange and bloated than usual) makes you want to cover the eyes of innocent chirruns everywhere, then you’re not alone. Before this picture was taken, The Tales of the Crypt’s answer to Heidi and Spencer were kicked out of a pumpkin patch in the Santa Clarita Valley for acting like two nasty, inappropriate, pumpkin-fucking whores of destruction. Yup, that’s them!

Radar says that mothers who wanted to spend their afternoon picking out a pumpkin with their families instead had to soothe the faces of their crying children and close the mouths of their husbands after Courtney sashayed by in a pair of coochie-killing coochie cutters and white dick-picking-up boots (and it’s after Labor Day)! After the pumpkin patch received complaint after complaint, Courtney and Dog (typo and it stays) were shown the exit. Courtney, being the good Christian girl she is, responded to this injustice by quoting the bible on Twitter:

Have a beautifully blessed Sunday! 🙂 “Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.” John 7:24
21 hours ago via web

If there was Internet access in heaven and Jesus could rewrite John 7:24 he’d change it to: “Do not judge by appearances, but do judge a nightmare creature for spreading several layers of snatch slime on a bunch of pumpkins in the Santa Clarity Valley.”

But in all seriousness, Courtney getting kicked out of the pumpkin patch was an act of pure jealousy. How can anyone be prejudiced toward a naturally beautiful sunflower whose eyes were kissed by heaven’s clouds (aka Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow), whose lips are covered in sparkling unicorn semen (aka Vaseline mixed with Bonne Bell frosted eyeshadow) and whose clothes were made for her by the finest French couture house (aka one of those stripper stores on Hollywood Blvd.). Those hating families wish having a sense of dignity didn’t stop them from being this classy and demure.

For more pictures of the walking Blumpkin that is Courtney and Doug, go to The Superficial and view at your own risk. Below are pictures of Courtney’s obvious idol, The Empress of Lucite, turning pumpkins into lucite chariots at a pumpkin patch over the weekend. Note to Courtney: If you don’t want to be kicked out of the pumpkin patch, trade your hooker boots, denim panties and creepy husband for exquisite heels, the finest dress that a handjob can buy and an ambiguously gay boy toy imported from Eastern Europe.