Ass Sex: You're Doing It Wrong

Some things you just can't find in a Lonely Planet travel guide. Here's one of those things: In the Zimbabwe town of Zvishavane exists the wrong stuff that when snorted or smoked causes your brain to seep out the kind of fuckery-coated hallucinations that not even Alan Ball could dream up. That is one of my only explanations for why this happened.

The Sun (of course) reports that a 28-year-old nasty ass fucker named Sunday Moyo (quick side whisper: that's a really good drag name) was arrested on Monday in Zvishavane after he was caught doing a donkey the way no bitch should do a donkey without getting permission from said donkey first. The police found Sunday performing a sex act on the donkey who was lying on the floor while tied to a tree. Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this. Shit.

Sunday was charged with bestiality and the court ordered him to undergo a psychiatric evaluation. Why must his head be analyzed by mental health professionals, you ask? Well, first of all, he raped a donkey. Second of all, the power of crazy was with him in full force when he told the court the reason for why he fucked a donkey:

"Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.

I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub, and I don't know how she then became a donkey. I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey."

Why do I have a feeling that this same speech came out of Brenda Song's mouth when her mother asked her why she was marrying Trace Cyrus?

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by Dannii on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 6:41pm.

"Earth to PETA, stop photographing F-list titties and get on this."

oh dont worry, PETA are "on this"-right now they are trying to get the photos of it so they can fap to em! the perp is probably a member of PETA. you know what those fuck faces are like!!!

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 3:20pm.

Didn't Catherine the Great die while having sex with a horse?

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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Submitted by joe shmoe on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 2:47pm.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:22pm.
I mistakenly saw some Beastiality pron once. Some chick getting fucked by a horse.
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Hahaha M.E..*mistakenly*???

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We Are the People

Submitted by catwoman on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 2:41pm.

Holy shit I'm sitting in a bar by myself (don't judge) reading this post and the comments, laughing so hard I'm crying. People are staring.

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You dumb bitch, I am home.-MK

Submitted by beakers bitch on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 2:28pm.

So there are shapeshifting donkey hookers now?

Submitted by ponchiks on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:12pm.

What's a donkey show and what happens there? Is it like a dog show where you get prizes?

And how do you force an animal to have sex with a human?

Submitted by Zedrie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:11pm.

Ugh, my hatred knows no bounds for those sick bestiality fucks.
They are the scum of the earth and I'd kill em for sport if I had a way to easily identify them.
Phew! /rant off

Submitted by TexnDoc on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:08pm.

A neighbor has 4 donkeys on her ranch and they are incredibly forceful and aggressive, they are used to protect the cattle from predators. Why do I think the Sun is practicing BS again. She had this big white Russian dog, Pomeranian?, and the bitch got too close to the donkey nipping at it's rear, one kick and bashed in doggie brains.

Submitted by Albatross on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:54am.

People that abuse animals in any way should roast in Hell.

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"I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute" --the incomparable MK

Submitted by chippychazoo on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:53am.

Please MK spare a thought for the donkey, you should have protected it's identity, or did it waive it's right to anonymity?

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:52am.

I mistakenly saw some Beastiality pron once. Some chick getting fucked by a horse.

Scarred me for life.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:51am.

I think I am also a donkey...I'm crying laughing here!!!!

Hey wait a minute, I think I'm a wombat!

Submitted by jerseygirl17 on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:50am.

LOL, is it wrong that the first thing to pop into my head was "You're a donkey-raping shit-eater, Terrance!"

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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:50am.

lol jack(ass) I swear, you don't shower for a week ONE time and you never get to live it down. ;)

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:47am.

The 500 Internal Server Error is pissing me OFF FA FA!

Submitted by SANS FARDS on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:47am.

Submitted by ba-buttons on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:58pm.

When I saw the donkey show years ago down in Tijuana I was surprised just how down with the whole act the donkey was. It couldn't wait to get on it's back and have that fat, old Mexican stripper suck him off.

Donkey show advice - Donkeys ejaculate with fantastic force and amazing volume. Fat, old Mexican strippers aim spewing donkey cocks with the accuracy of Dragunov sniper rifles.

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LOL. Thanks ba-buttons, I'll keep that advice in mind.

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I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:47am.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Sweatass♥ (typo stays)
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by ponchiks on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:46am.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:01pm.

Sick bastard. It's like the dude I read about on DD who was arrested in a park for fondling himself while fondling his dog.

WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?
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Ewwwwwww!!!!! WTF?

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:45am.

MJT ;) The title and pic made me bust out laughing too! Then I read further. *shudder*

However, if the ass's name was 500 Internal Server, I might be able to get behind this.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:45am.

Mary the donkey is an obvious homosexual.
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by caprica six on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:42am.

Wait, I'm confused, so the donkey was on its side or back? Why would rape dude have to tie it to a tree if he loved it? Are we sure this wasn't Michael Lohan in donkey gear intending to sneak in Kate's door but his dumbass ended up in another continent? I mean, the rape dude was arrested Monday. The "donkey" would have been able to travel back to Kate's by Monday night. Coincidence? Not likely. =P

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"Your worship...I don't know how she then became a donkey. I think I am also a donkey. I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey." -Sunday Moyo, 10.26.2011

Submitted by ritzyroxie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:41am.

Lol, jack-n-the-hat. On the subject of fucking on inanimate objects, when I was a kid one of my white trash cousins was arrested for sexual misconduct with a a four wheeler. The dumbass humped the thing buck nekkid while zooming around the trailer court before he crashed into the propane tank and left everyone else without hot water for a week. Rednecking: You're doing it right!

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A beauty that makes abuelitas pray for our sinful souls is my kind of beauty. -MK 9/12/11

YAAAAAAASS! -Sage Khia

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:40am.

I had guys friends who went to Tijuana and they all left - with 2 of them throwing up. No gracias.

@ Sweetas - LMAO at low-cut harness.

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You really have to side clap and pucker for a piece who can stand next to a white feather and out-gay it. - MK 8/3/2011

Submitted by fishsticksfan on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:39am.

Once again, very happy I'm not eating while reading dlisted.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:37am.

WHOA, M.E.... I have had some dirt on my dick before but NEVER have I had to tie any(thing)one up to do it!
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by mbar on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:37am.

It sounds like he's trying for the insanity plea by slathering on the crazy in his statement. When in reality he's just a sick fuck sadist who rapes defenseless animals.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:37am.

jack, hahahahahhahahahah

okay, i gots to go kick some ass in Karate now.

later!!!!!

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I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why?
-Fiona Apple "A Mistake"

Submitted by suckandfuck on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:35am.

oh yeah, like the donkey wasn't begging for it, please...

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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:35am.

This thread is proof. Men will stick their dicks in anything.

*side eyes Jack*

Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:35am.

WHY?!?!

Did he ask for the Kim K special?

Poor donkey :-(

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Put on your lip gloss, plump your chichis and let's get back to the main event.
~ Michael K

Submitted by MissJaneTexas on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:34am.

I have to admit that after opening the D and seeing the picture combined with the thread title I busted out laughing.

After reading the article...no bueno. What is wrong with people?

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You really have to side clap and pucker for a piece who can stand next to a white feather and out-gay it. - MK 8/3/2011

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:33am.

Submitted by ritzyroxie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:01pm.
Thank God this story ain't coming outta Arkansas. I was scurred for a second there
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hey, Hey, HEY now! Like we would ever downgrade from sheep? PUH.LEEZ.
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:31am.

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 1:00pm.
He couldn't just fuck a park bench or a picnic table like some of the other tools posted here over the years?
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yea, didn't some fuckin genius try and fuck a sewer grate lollllllllol
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:31am.

Sick bastard. It's like the dude I read about on DD who was arrested in a park for fondling himself while fondling his dog.

WTF IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?

Submitted by ritzyroxie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:31am.

Thank God this story ain't coming outta Arkansas. I was scurred for a second there.

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A beauty that makes abuelitas pray for our sinful souls is my kind of beauty. -MK 9/12/11

YAAAAAAASS! -Sage Khia

Submitted by parissucksliterally on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:30am.

He couldn't just fuck a park bench or a picnic table like some of the other tools posted here over the years?

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I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why?
-Fiona Apple "A Mistake"

Submitted by mslewis on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:29am.

Oh, Mikey, Mikey . . . this is the funniest post you have ever done!!! Tears in my eyes. Priceless.

OTOH . . . poor little donkey!! But a smart-ass hooker. Bitch got $20 and didn't have to put out for it.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:29am.

THANK YOU FOR THAT INFO BA-BUTTONS!!!
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:28am.

*tosses a twenty at snowy and ties her ass to a tree*
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by Deb on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:28am.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:52pm.
I've fucked a few guys who turned out to be asses myself.

Deb, who hasnt!
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OK? Maybe Sunday Moyo had food poisoning, and was so woozy from it, he couldn't tell a piece of ass from an ass.

"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson

Submitted by ba-buttons on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:28am.

Donkey show advice - Donkeys ejaculate with fantastic force and amazing volume. Fat, old Mexican strippers aim spewing donkey cocks with the accuracy of Dragunov sniper rifles.

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"...Foster may have cracked under the pressures of being the world's leading Gordon Ramsay-lookalike-sex-dwarf..."

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:27am.

Submitted by mefunigirl on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 12:56pm.
"I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey."

if I had a nickel for every time I said that.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

*jingles pocket full of change while creeping out of thread*
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by jackie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:28am.

And lmao at peta photographing f list titties, ain't that the truth.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:26am.

WHAT MAKES YOU PEOPLE SO SURE THE DONKEY DIDN'T LOVE IT!!!!

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"Basically, Murlonio means "from Rob's ass" in Dumfuckanese." MK
"WE ARE THE TRIFECTA OF HATE ENTER THE TRIANGLE." Sucky 6/14/11

Submitted by mefunigirl on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:26am.

"I do not know what happened when I left the bar, but I am seriously in love with the donkey."

if I had a nickel for every time I said that.

Submitted by jackie on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:26am.

Poor donkey :(

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:24am.

"I had hired a prostitute and paid US$20 for the service at Down Town nightclub......."

GPS step-by-step directions plz kthnx!
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"I wonder if Viola adopted a white baby because no one seems to want them anymore. *LOL* ~ stefystef, 10/19/2011

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 10/27/2011 - 11:24am.

Oh come on guys that donkey was totally asking for it. Did you see that low cut harness and come hither bedroom eyes? Please.