Justin Bieber’s Defense: He’s Never Backstage

Justin Bieber (the baby on the left) was on Today this morning to whore his musical terrorist threat on Christmas and Matt Lauer asked about the allegations that he accidentally created an heir to his potty training throne (the baby in the middle) with a then 19-year-old trick named Mariah Yeater (seen on the right showing us what Bieber should’ve done 12 months ago in that stadium bathroom). Bieber denied it, because he never wrote a co-letter to the stork with that woman! Bieber wants to see the signed delivery slip from the stork who brought that baby!

Bieber’s real defense is that he’s never seen Mariah’s face before and he’s never backstage after a show long enough to do illegal 30-second sex times with anybody.

“I’d just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I’m going to be a target, but I’m never going to be a victim. It’s crazy. Every night after the show I’m gone right from the stage right to the car, so it’s crazy that some people want to make such false allegations. To set the record straight, none of it is true. Never met the woman. Like I said before, there’s going to be goods and bads in the business.”

Mariah’s lawyers were on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night where they basically said Justin needs to put $1 in the LIAR JAR, because he’s the only one who could be the father. They put it like this: “In the relevant time period, she wasn’t having sex with anyone else. That’s how we know Justin Bieber is, in fact, the father of the baby… we need the paternity test to verify that scientifically, 100-percent.”

Can’t Justin Bieber’s mommy promise to give him a green lollipop if he lets the doctors swab him as she holds his hand? They are dragging this shit out. It can all be solved with one swab. If Justin is the father, then he’ll have to move into the Witness Protection Program’s playpen since the Beliebers will turn on him and we’ll have to start teaching sex education in our pre-schools. If Justin isn’t the father, then Mariah’s voicemail box is going to be filled with angry coos for months to come. Either way, the streets will be covered with cunty toddlers out for blood, so we’ve all been warned.

via People