The Best Advice Jennifer Aniston Didn't Take (Or Did She?)
The late Sue Mengers was a major agent in Hollywood who once represented Barbra Streisand and in her later years she threw all kinds of fancy as fuck parties where she made friends with famous hos like Jennifer Aniston. In a profile on Sue for The New York Times, Maureen Dowd writes that even Sue didn't want Jennifer to be Forever Aloneistone. When Brad dropped Jen off in MiserableVille (Population: Aniston) to enlist in St. Angie's holy army, Sue gave her a drop of advice:
But she had a soft, warm side; she was a yenta who loved fixing people up, in work and in love. If a match struck, she would urge the woman, “We have to close the deal.” After Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie, Mengers told me that she advised her beloved Jen to ask Brad for some of his sperm.
You know shit is dire when someone you aren't related to is concerned that you're going to become a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn't think it's weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats.
Sue did give Jen good advice, though. Jen should've taken it and then took that shit ten steps further. Jen should've fertilized one of her own eggs with Brad's stoner jizz. Then Jen should've yelled "MARRIED A-LIST MOVIE STAR 12 O'CLOCK!" at Angie Jolie to make that trick instinctively spread her legs. That would've been Jen's cue to shoot that fertilized egg into Angie's cooch with a straw. And nine months later, Angie would've given birth to Jen and Brad's baby! Jen could've named that kid: SWEET REVENGE!!!!!! (exclamations included). Oh, Jen, you should've done it. Jen missed an opportunity to put her mouth to Angie's ear and whisper: "Guess who's baby just came out of your twat? Mine, bitch!"
And yes, I've been watching old Days of Our Lives episodes again.
via Vulture
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Thank you Michael.
I am 29 and haven't had the slightest desire yet to birth. My 5 year old nephew is plenty for me.
Submitted by Slurpee on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:10am.
This story will never go away and why do people even fucking care anymore? He wanted a woman who wanted kids - and got it - she didn't want kids but a career instead - and got it. Happy ending for all!!!! Weeeeee!!!!!!
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THIS.
"a dusty, crazy old spinster who doesn't think it's weird that her bedside tables are made out of the skeletons of her dead cats."
Who here can relate to this? I'm thinking 85-90% of the posters here?...
~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b~j~b
Don't trust a hoe, Never trust a hoe, I won't trust a hoe. Won't trust me.
Submitted by Hotmami on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 12:07pm.
This whole saga could have been avoided if Jennifer had been honest from the beginning and told Brad that she didn't want kids...instead of leading him on for seven years.
He would have found happiness and family with someone else, and we would not be subjected to all of their bullshit.
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How so?
there were rumors that Jen suffered a miscarriage. Maybe they had problems getting pregnant and a miscarriage can seriously mess with people's heads :(
I think Brad is just a jacka$$ that has to be "current" and Jolie was at the right place.
Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
-Ash
Submitted by Hekki on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 11:50am.
Submitted by One-trick Pony: "On the topic of motherhood ... It's totally bipolar and terrifying."
Yes it is. There are times when I am totally fulfilled and satisfied and other times I want to run away and never come back. *shrugs*
omg true fax I thought it was just me! :D
I'm sure Jen just yessed her to death (as I would have) and been like "pffft" when she was out of earshot.
NO ONE can convince me that Jen is lonely or regretting her choices. She's got it made.
Her profile is just awful!
"Submitted by Hotmami on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 12:07pm.
This whole saga could have been avoided if Jennifer had been honest from the beginning and told Brad that she didn't want kids...instead of leading him on for seven years.
He would have found happiness and family with someone else, and we would not be subjected to all of their bullshit."
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Do we know for sure that's what happened though? They were in their early-mid 30's when they got married. Maybe neither of them knew, or it's possible one or both of them changed their mind. I'm in my early 30's and I still am not 100% sure what I want as far as having them, I go back and forth some days.
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"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done." -Lucille Ball-sy
This story is ridiculous and gross, but MK's write up is superb. I love it when he gets soap opera-minded.
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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb
So, what exactly was Jen supposed to do with Brad's sperm? He had left her because she didn't want children; was she supposed to all of a sudden get pregnant and expect him to come back to her? This doesn't make any sense. And Sue Mengers was a 'ho.
*cries for Jennifer because she will always be miserable and she missed a major opportunity* JK
I dont really believe the story anyway.
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Night Owl!
This whole saga could have been avoided if Jennifer had been honest from the beginning and told Brad that she didn't want kids...instead of leading him on for seven years.
He would have found happiness and family with someone else, and we would not be subjected to all of their bullshit.
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Time cast a spell on you but
You won't forget me
I know I could have loved i you but
You would not let me
-Fleetwood Mac
Submitted by One-trick Pony: "On the topic of motherhood ... It's totally bipolar and terrifying."
Yes it is. There are times when I am totally fulfilled and satisfied and other times I want to run away and never come back. *shrugs*
Well, that's what yentas* do. They try to fix up single people and badger the SHIT out of single people. I don't find that soft or warm AT ALL.
* I'm using the word "yenta" to cover ALL nosy pushy gossipy women, not just Jewish ones.
Its hard to believe Pitt used to be this hot.
I think Pitt, Annison, Jolie are complicit in keeping the "feud" going, their PR people will plant stories about the love triangle forever attempting to keep them relevant...it will work until they no longer sell magazines.
"Barren" Jen, "Evil" Angie, "Hapless" Brad. Kinda like Archie, Betty and Veronica. Maybe Maddox can play Reggie; Pax, Jughead.
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..."suspicious looking local".
What's so great about babies?? Every mother I know is fucking miserable, and every childless chick I know is happy. How about that!
Well I have two kids, one of each ,and i find it very pathetic that people think that's a woman's only function. yes, it's fufilling, and no, it's not the only thing in my life that brings me joy and fufullment.
shit, training my dog gave me joy and fufillment. doing a good job at work, giving to my chairities, there's sooo many ways to find happiness. it's demeaning to imply that women are only good for baby making.
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Don't stand on my tits, bitch!
I believe this, wasn't it pretty well known that Jen wouldn't sleep with Brad until after the wedding? That is some Charlotte York MacDougal Goldenblatt bullshit right there, bitch be crazy
Jesus Christ Brad looks hot as fuck in that picture.
*starts fapping*
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:51am.
I have a similar situation with my siblings. It's quality, not quantity that counts, and you can get just as much joy and warmth from friends as family. It sounds like your daughter will turn out great with a parent like you. Happy holidays!
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A beauty that makes abuelitas pray for our sinful souls is my kind of beauty. -MK 9/12/11
YAAAAAAASS! -Sage Khia
If Jen had a baby every time the tabs claimed she was pregnant, she'd have thousands by now. Enough to stomp all over Maddox's army.
_______________________________________________
Never question Bruce Dickinson!
why are we talking about this irrelevant, untalented, self-absorbed, desperately lonely, man-chinned nobody?
ritzyroxie
The only time I feel like, "maybe we should have had two" is times like this, when I have my sister and nephew coming for Christmas and I realize that she will not have that. Then again, I have two other sisters and one I barely know (her choice) and the other I don't get along with, so it cuts both ways. My child is loved loved loved and knows that, feels that and will always.
I have a "niece" (good friend's daughter) who is an only child. She is 20 now. She is sweet, kind, well-adjusted and responsible young woman. She has many cousins and friends she was raised with. I strive for my daughter to turn out just like her.
On the topic of motherhood ... a while ago I went through a 3-month phase during which I regularly visited this "real mom confessions" website (I have no children). Most of the smug, yappy twats contributing to that site spend half their time "pitying" childless women who are "simply missing out on the real meaning of life," and the other half bitterly complaining about their bratty, ungrateful kids and messy, absent husbands. It's totally bipolar and terrifying.
Dear Santa,
Sorry for the last-minute addition to my wish list, (my very own predator drone to take out the Stoddens and Kardashians of the world), I'd like to add one more thing.
Can people PLEASE let the Brad and Jen thing GO?
Thanks ever so, Santa! Marry Christmas!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
Submitted by Migraine Sally on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:24am.
Thank you! I'm so grateful for people like you who admit that one was enough. And that some people shouldn't have kids. I'd much rather someone who doesn't want kids not have them than force their unwanted child to have a loveless, uninterested non-parent.
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A beauty that makes abuelitas pray for our sinful souls is my kind of beauty. -MK 9/12/11
YAAAAAAASS! -Sage Khia
My comment is summed up by this
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2008/06/funny-pictures-car...
I didn't know there was DNA in my ass!
I did not have a kid until I was almost 39 years old. I did not even feel the tiniest little "twinge" to have a kid until I was 36 years old. I have one and only one and no, I do not have the desire to have more. Not every woman feels the desire to have children. Unfortunately, as a social worker, I have seen the result of what happens when a woman is not cut out to be a mother. It is a devastating situation. Jennifer Aniston seems to do just fine for herself without having children.
Brad: Some what?
Jen: Some, you know, sperm...
Brad: But why? We've already broken up. What are you going to do with it?
Jen: Uhhh, I, um, I just want something to remember you by.
Brad: And that's my sperm? What about that house we bought together in Brentwood?
* * * * * * * * * * *
Please: It's "rahnday."
Ughh. These crazy, marriage-and-baby obsessed women (I'm sure there are men like this too) need to STFU and find a hobby, preferably one where they can't talk. Why is it any of your business if someone you barely know isn't trying to get married or pop out crotchlings? Not every woman needs to be a wife and/or mother to feel happy and fulfilled. I know a lot of these women are from a generation with different values, but still. No one is trying to persuade you to listen to dubstep or use sex toys, let people do as they feel best suits their lives.
"I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim". - Justin Bieber
"J'Alonely begat the son of the Billy Goat, through an immaculate conception of frozen spooge. And he shall be named the Anti-Maddox."
Blehhh, dont care. She's been making the same damn movie over and over for the past few years. Who watches that dreck? Anyway, I'm sure her fans wish her well.
No one is that fucking pathetic. I mean, even Octomom was on good terms with her sperm factory.
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A beauty that makes abuelitas pray for our sinful souls is my kind of beauty. -MK 9/12/11
YAAAAAAASS! -Sage Khia
EEG, hahahahaha
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It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Don'tcha know that I
Heard it through the grapevine
Slurpee, I am sure in 20 years we will be reading about Jen trying to get with Knox. It truly is the neverending story.
DO NOT PUT YOUR BALLS ON MY FACE UNLESS I'M SUCKING YOUR COCK! M.E. 07/11/11
I know many women who don't want kids. It doesn't make them bad people or pathetic. I don't have any yet, and am 41. I may not have them, and I am okay with that. I love kids, but I also love doing whatever I want.
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It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Don'tcha know that I
Heard it through the grapevine
This story will never go away and why do people even fucking care anymore? He wanted a woman who wanted kids - and got it - she didn't want kids but a career instead - and got it. Happy ending for all!!!! Weeeeee!!!!!!
There was a mid 70s movie called "The Last of Sheila" and anyone who's seen it knows Dyan Cannon steals the movie and her character was completely based on Sue Mengers, written AS Sue Mengers. Whatever happened to Cannon, she was a 1970s Hot Slut who could be very funny and Dyan and Aniston and Mengers all sort of look like each other.
Submitted by Spaz de la Whoreta on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 10:03am.
Ha ha, but pretty gross to mix Jen's egg up in that story that undoubtedly ends in Victor Kiriakis being the father.
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No doubt!
Not every woman on the planet is hungry for baby batter. That's some fucking creepy assed advice to give someone.
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Try to be original, like the Colonel Sanders (may he rest in peace with his secret spices and shit). - urmomma
Wouldn't begging your ex husband for his sperm be even more pathetic than she already is?
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Fri, 12/23/2011 - 9:59am.
what the fuck is this?
*whispers* Could be the vicodin induced post I've been waiting on. LOL!!!
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Jesus. Really?
I don't think Jennifer should have a kid simply because Americans scream for BABIES!, but if she did with Justin, that kid would be adorable.
Do I care about this? Hmm. Not really.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Ha ha, but pretty gross to mix Jen's egg up in that story that undoubtedly ends in Victor Kiriakis being the father.
what the fuck is this?
Brad was so fucking hot when he was with Jen. Damn.
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Flirting with this disaster became me
It named me as the fool who only aimed to be
Almost blue
-Elvis Costello