The Golden Child Of A Million Halos Is Blinding Us With Her Greatness Today
The sound of a South American surrogate screeching out the words "Poner la epidural en él!!!" (Note: Shit translation provided by Google) followed by the faint sound of velcro ripping off was heard around the air space of Lenox Hill in NYC last night when the rightful heir to the House of Derriere throne was born. Yes, that is the reason why your lacefront floated off of your head last night before quickly falling to the floor like it was bowing. It was paying homage to its new Yaki Savior!
The entire Internet prepared for the golden age after the likes or RiRi, Auntie Basement Baby and Russell Simmons Tweeted the birth of Beyonce and Jay-Z's first child, a daughter. Beyonce and Jay-Z have kept their lips shut about this, because they like to confirm shit the real STUNT QUEEN way. You will really know that the golden child here is when Beyonce opens the Grammys next month by riding in on adorned camel (Jay-Z) and placing her daughter in a manger made of golden weaves as back-up dancers dressed like slutty farm animals do the Single Ladies dance around them.
As for the name, E! News has come up with Blue Ivy and UsWeekly says it's Ivy Blue (cut to LeAnn Rimes in a bikini neighing out the words, "Did somebody say Bluuuuuuuu-ooooh-ooh?". I know both of those names sound like the name of an Eastern European porn star who is trying to make it in the US, but it has REAL meaning! Beyonce and Jay-Z slobber all over the number 4. They were both born on the 4th and they were married on the 4th. IV = 4. (Sidenote: That surrogate is never going to surrogate in this town AGAIN, because bitch was supposed to push out Baby Blue Ivy on the 4th. BABY OVEN FAIL!)
And even though Beyonce and Jay-Z rented out the entire fourth floor of Lenox Hill, forced all employees to hand over their cell phones and taped over the security cameras to keep hos from getting a picture of the new Jesus, Dlisted managed to get an EXCLUSIVE first look at Blue Ivy:
No, no. Princess Blue Ivy will make her picture debut on the cover of a limited-edition version of the Bible. (The cover of People Magazine is for peons.) Check your local pew!
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In the grand tradition of Billy Joel, Bobby Brown and Bruce Willis, this little girl will look just like her Daddy.
Isn't Blue Ivy the name of a liquor? Of course she had a "scheduled c-section." If she was really preggers, how come she couldn't go the natural route?
Everyone except TMZ is reporting the name is "Blue Ivy". Therefore, the kid's initials are BIC.
God help her if she looks like her daddy. Yikes!
Submitted by jazzfish_77 on Sun, 01/08/2012 - 9:31am.
UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that the baby's name is no Blue Ivy, but Blue Waffle.
^^^^^^^^^
So wrong! LOL
Actually, the child's name is Ivy Blue and I think it's kind of pretty. Of course, these two leeches spending $1.6M on the "suite" of rooms at the hospital is beyond sickening. Just shows how money doesn't bring class. Beowulf will use this child (which I firmly believe she did NOT give birth to) as an accessory. Oh and everyone sit back and wait to see what Jay gets for Beowulf as a gift for "blessing him with a child". Whatever it will be will be over $1M and completely useless but you know she will make sure everyone knows about it even though it will be "leaked" by a "source close to the couple".
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
I think Cushion Cashmere Carter could have been a classy choice.
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..."suspicious looking local".
If this c-section was scheduled, why not have it take place on the 4th? Or maybe they did, and just plan to lie about the kid's birthday forever? Please make it Ivy Blue (although Ivy Blue Carter is an awkward phrase, when you think about it).
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
I'm sure she had the baby last month, but she tells too many lies, you never know. Congratulations to the surrogate who is now back in Mexico with all the food stamps you can imagine!
Either way,, there is a new baby, and thats always a blessing.
These people are so exasperating with the constant is she/isn't she bullshit. Have the baby, don't have the baby, nobody gives a fuck. The constant media blitz is just more than I can bear. It's like being stuck in a telenovela from which there is no escape. Here's hoping that now they can fuck off for just a minute or two and raise the infant, but fat chance of that happening.
Not to judge this little cunt when she's only a few hours old but if we thought Suri was a fucking entitled bitch in waiting, just wait until this one is old enough to scream at her slaves in public!
Well, be that as it may, B is the FIRST woman in all my decades on this earth who spoke of her pregnancy in MONTHS.
I have NEVER heard a woman say, 'I am 3 months.' 'I am 6 months.'
It is always, 'I am 12 1/2 weeks.' 'I am 27 weeks.' 'I am 35 1/2 weeks.'
'AND this is my DUE DATE.' Another doozy we never heard.
Of all the HUNDREDS of women I know who have given birth, B is the first to use months.
That's all I have to say about that.
UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that the baby's name is no Blue Ivy, but Blue Waffle.
Blue Ivy sounds like the name of a stripper.
Yay for them!
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"I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron" MK
Ivy Blue is better than Blue Ivy, which sounds like a plant that might give you a nasty rash if you step in it. Dumbasses.
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
I will give them both this: their marriage has lasted far longer than half of the Hollyweird unions so congrats on them for sticking together.
*throws a side eye to Katy Perry and Russell Brand*
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously? - Michael K
They covered up the cameras and made the hospital staff cough up their cell phones? What the fuck were they doing with them on the floor. At the facility where I work if you are caught on the floor with your cell phone, you got suspended right then and there.
Wonder how high the bidding wars are for the first "offical" pictures of the new baby.
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously? - Michael K
LeAnne used to have a body!? That video lolololol
I thought fo sure thet were gonna go for Bey-Z. and rumor has it, that she(and by she, I mean the surrogate) actually gave birth last week but it was "announced" this weekend to throw off the press and the public. Didn't she basically do the same thing with her wedding, I wouldnt put anything past these people. *rolls eyes* *clicks over to Mediatakeout to get the "real" story lol
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
Congratulations to Beyonce for this non-refundable and non-returnable purchased baby!
Just a word of advice and caution to Bey: It’s a real human being’s life you’re toying with for your publicity stunts. I do hope you treat her with all the dignity she deserves.
Everfakest Bey, I hope you treat Ivy Blue well, and not do to her what you did to Munchie:
http://www.hollyscoop.com/beyonce/beyonce-abandons-her-dog.html
To Ivy Blue: Welcome to the circus and charade that is your Fake Mommy Bey’s life. Good luck!
Surprised she would name her child Blue, seeing as the camel used to hump, Blu Cantrell, before he humped on Bey.
Surprised she would name her child Blue, seeing as the camel used to hump, Blu Cantrell, before he humped on Bey.
Ivy Blue sounds a lot better than Blue Ivy. Did they really have to use a color though?
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At least they didn't name it Shaniqeua, Shanaynay, or Tapeoka. For those wondering how "fast" Beyonce will lose the "baby weight", it depends how quick she can wean herself off the Prednisone. (I give it two months tops, followed by all sorts of coverage in People and US).
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Shiitake happens...
OMG! I do see the resemblance to Grandma Tina!
Uncanny!
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Fuck both of these idiots.
Jay-Z is a sell-out Uncle Tom (Fishsticks? ya, she's way ghetto - can't have it both ways "Jay")
Beyonce is a no-talent, Tuesday afternoon stripper from a family of trash.
However, congratulations to the surrogate who actually carried the baby so "B" can shake her ass in some tacky "howIlostbabyweight" bikini on the cover of "Us Weekly" in a month or two.(fyi - You were fat before, honey. And you're still ugly.)
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Name Deleted: Me, too. I really liked that movie. It's funny. Where is that idiot? I just went to the Tattoo Boy thread (where ba-buttns got all hoity toity) and didn't see.
Sounds like the name of a girly drink. But at least it's not a name 2 inches long with a lot of accents MK has to look at twice before he types it to see if it's spelled correctly. Which is what I was expecting.
Oh Lord, at the comments to come... Lol She was 5 months at the VMAs so I don't think it was the shortest pregnancy. ;-p
Anyway, CONGRATULATIONS to Bey & Jay!!! :-D What a blessing! ♥
The birthdate adds up to 4.
I need to stalk Crunk + Disordaly to see the shade being thrown.
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"....the Ghost of Priscilla Presley's Past" ~ MK
So true, Jazzfish.... she looks just like Grandma Tina!!
This was the shortest pregnancy on record. Damn! And that name is all kinds of stupid.
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"I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute" --the incomparable MK
OMFG! Shield my eyes! That baby is even more beautiful than I could have imagined!