The Best Messes At The Golden Globes
Someone who doesn't know my ass very well asked me who I thought was the best dressed last night and and my answer was and will always be: WHO CARES! Picking out a pretty dress is easy! It's so easy a MiserAlba can do it. The men and women who really deserves some attention (and heavy amounts of extra chunky shade) are the ones who rolled into a truly busted outfit and bravely smiled through the fugness in front of all the cameras. Because it takes a lot of work to look that fucked up and we should give them the recognition they deserve. So here's my favorite messes from last night in no particular order.
Piper Perabo - The car cover for my mom's old Buick got a second chance at life when Piper used it to make a ball gown that Cinderella would've worn if her Fairy Godmother was a pervert who just wanted to see her nipples. If you were walking through the woods and heard the voice of crazy calling at you from above, and you looked up to find a nekkid ass Sharon Stone caught in a parachute stuck in the trees, she would look just like Piper Perabo. Piper's dress told me that yes, she does acid. And Piper's curious poses told me that yes, she does acid AND Ecstasy.
Melanie Griffith - Okay, Melanie's dress was totally normal, but the scene she gave on the red carpet was a totally different story. The way Antonio Banderas held her up and dragged her across the carpet... The way she kept those sunglasses on.... I really thought it was a Weekend at Bernie's situation until I realized that Melanie probably got a quick glance at Piper's posing and was knocked back by the DRAMA!
Zooey Deschanel - I shouldn't look at the top of a dress and think that my dog's idea of heaven would be scooting across it. AstroTurf for your titties is not the look.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - The worst ad for MiO Water EVER! I'm not sure I wanted to know what it would look like if I was swimming at the bottom of a pond in Smurf Village and looked up just as all the Smurfs started to piss into the water. That being said, I want that dress as my next screensaver.
Lea Michele - We're living in a world where Lea Michele is Beyonce in her own head and we're also living in a world where nobody told her that she looked like a mermaid linebacker from Chernobyl.
Amanda Peet - The good news is that her 1-year-old daughter now has a cribskirt for almost every day of the week.
Jessica Chastain - I KNOW! I can already hear it. Everybody thought Jessica Chastain was the epitome of perfection and is what would grace your eyes if you looked at an angel's pearl necklace under a microscope. But I just looked at Jessica Chastain and saw a really bad Swoosie Kurtz circa 1989 impersonation.
I will say, though, that Jessica is someone you want in her life. When Giuliana Rancic was interviewing Jessica on E!, she loved everything. Jessica said she LOVED Giuliana, was such a fan and has also been dreaming of coming to the Golden Globes ever since she was a little girl. Yes, Jessica is one of those people who loves everything. So she's definitely the person you want to tell when you've just found out you have Gonorrhea. You'd be like, "Jessica, I just got back from the doctor and he told me that being a bareback slut finally caught up with me and I have Gonorrhea now." Jessica would keep a smile on her face and be like, "Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea! I'm a huge fan. I'm so happy for you!"
Thomas Jane - I did not know that Knott's Berry Farm let you keep the costumes after you take a picture at one of their old timey photo shops.
I wish I could find a video of MG being dragged around by AB
***************************
"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
Hey, where was SPAZ de la Hurla? Was that cunt banned from the Globes this year because of what happened last year? If she was there, she wins the hot mess award hands down, I don't even have to see what she was wearing, I just know.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
"Shut up, bitch - it hurts to be beautiful" - Richie K. 2005
Why in the Hell is that Piper chick on the carpet anyhow? When is the last time she was in a movie...Coyote Ugly???
She is not celebrity status as far as I am concerned. That dress is Gawd Awful...ick
"Shut up, bitch - it hurts to be beautiful" - Richie K. 2005
::Chandler Bing voice:: could there BE anybody more affected than this bitch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVz86EIicrc
At one point she was channeling Courtney Stodden with her tongue stuck out licking her lips. Absolutely disgusting. You are NOT hot so stop it
already..k?
I like Sarah M-G but that dress..oy. Tie dye tidy bowl blue. Not cute. She claimed she let her daughter pick it out. So there's the new excuse when you make it on the worst dressed list.
The worst mess of it all are the people we see going around in the background.
It looks utterly dilettantish. Can't the Golden Globes put up a space where the celebrities can be photographed alone?
the more I look at Sarah's dress the better it looks...
*puffcpuff pass it back to Rih*
wasn't Piper Perabo hot once?
Antonio looks good, yum
I dunno these other random chicks....
HILARIOUS! oMg I laughed so much at the old timey photo part. And, MELANIE GRIFFITH is fokin CLOSS! love her :)xo
We think antonio has made a visit to the pitanguy clinic in brazil recently....
Owl, Gofugyourself.com described Lea Michelle's dress as "a partridge-hunting accident", and said she looked like she was wearing "a bra made of death". I love those fug girls.
Precocious lmao! My first thought was that she probably was trying to be "edgy" and wanted attention since she's been absent from red carpets for a long time. FAIL!
*****************************
Read Triston's Heaux-ventures as he traipses the Heaux-rient Sexpress!
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/01/heaux-confessionals-traispsing-t...
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl!
@Owly,
I didn't even notice how awful SMG's dress was the first time around because I was too shocked at how ugly in the face she looked. I've never liked her to begin with, but last night when I saw her on my TV set, I wondered who the washed-up hag was, next to the other washed-up hag. Double Hag Washed-Up Jeopardy!
Basically, everybody looked terrible, especially considering the budgets they had to work with.
Ugh. Thomas Jane really needs to wash his hands and scrub under those nails. Gross.
I forgot to add that Piper and Leah Michelle looked ridiculous posing for the cameras. I hope that The Fashion Police invited that girl from Modern Family to rip Leah on her red carpet posing yet again!
****************************
Read Triston's Heaux-ventures as he traipses the Heaux-rient Sexpress!
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/01/heaux-confessionals-traispsing-t...
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl!
I don't mind Piper's dress at all. Maybe if it was black (cuz I hate simple beige dresses) it would be a little cooler. I just like that she wore something so ridiculous.
Melanie Griffith: that Weekend at Bernies reference was fucking hilarious!
Zooey: I just liked her eye makeup. She looked stupid when the camera showed her as they announced her name in the list of nominees. I like her but I found her really annoying on the New Girl.
SMG: (rearrange the words and you get MSG which is short for Massengill) the dress pattern is alright but she looks like she's wearing a wedding dress that was dyed. So I do think she should be worst dressed cuz she actually TRIED.
Leah Michelle: I like her dress. It just bothers me that the front is so see-thru. But if another person was wearing it (a taller person with equally small boobs) it would look better. Leah's torso looked extra short and her arms did too.
Amanda Peet: the dress is more suitable for the IFC awards IMO. Her HUGE teeth bother me.
Jessica Chastain: The beading is nice but the dress is boring and I don't care for turtleneck dresses. I liked her in The Help, though. She wore a red dress during a dinner party scene and looked awesome. I hope to see her more.
Thomas Jane: Whats with the hat and cigar? He looks old, I thought he was younger?
Read Triston's Heaux-ventures as he traipses the Heaux-rient Sexpress!
http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2012/01/heaux-confessionals-traispsing-t...
The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl!
Antonio Banderas is a saint to put up with a wife like Melanie. He has everything going for him,and she has literally nothing going for her. She looks and acts like a freak. Everytime I see her, I just want to slap the crap out of her.
Antonio looked adorable with Salma up on stage. Why, when he could have had someone like that, would he commit himself to that drunk-ass mess?
How could you say nothing of Thomas Jane's Peen head outline? Are you o.k.?
says jack and jolene
I was going to ask if Zoey is wearing a wig, too. There is a weird thickness at her scalp that looks unnatural.
Joan Rivers and her panel chose Angelina Jolie Best Dressed and that blue spill on Sarah Michelle Gellar the worst. But they raved about that car cover. And Kelly Osbourne looks ridiculous with her trashy arm tattoos criticizing anybody.
Had to be a first for Joan's show where the winner of the Best Actress of the Year didn't even get a mention. Meryl must sneak in the back entrance or something.
Submitted by kokoskitten on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 7:33pm.
I cannot stand Zooey Deschanel and her try too hard and "LOOK AT ME I'm an indie rock pixie who sings her own songs in cotton commercials and pouts and rolls her eyes and acts like a 9 year old in order to keep my hipster fanbase" schtick.
***************
I totally agree. And that Trevia commercial bugged the fuck out of me.
Dlisted is on fire today, I love these comments. Also the Drunks tag, half of them are on their way and the other half are medicated. Ahahahaha I love it since I just watched Valley of the Dolls this week. Hey Melanie, we see you messed up behind those glassesl. Antonio looks like a trapped animal.
I think Zooey's always wearing a wig. Or, at least, a few dozen heads worth of extensions.. Even though she's frikken annoying in every other way, her hair irks me the most.
I cannot stand Zooey Deschanel and her try too hard and "LOOK AT ME I'm an indie rock pixie who sings her own songs in cotton commercials and pouts and rolls her eyes and acts like a 9 year old in order to keep my hipster fanbase" schtick.
All the french people were the best there.
/\
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.
"Leave Alicia alone. All Japanese people look the same and China is a very big country".
Antonio Banderas is obviously one of those guys who prefers women who are complete messes. I also call them projects. I've known men who only would go fo girls who desperately needed their help in some way. For some, it stroked their ego but for others, they just thrived on codependent relationships due to their dysfunctional families.
Jessica Chastain's in it for the long haul. Mark my words.
I liked SMG's dress. It was different
LOLing over the Swoozie Kurtz comparison, but I really loved Jessica Chastain's gown. I thought it was beautiful. *shrugs*
***************
It hurts because you let your black heart beat for an asshole who can't even send you a "P.S. I'm about to fuck a hole that doesn't belong to you" text before fucking said hole that doesn't belong to you.
God, I love Thomas Jane. SO. FUCKING. SEXY.
I got the drunken Sharon Stone vibe off of Piper too.
I actually liked Buffy's dress. The colour is very nice on her.
*~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*~~~~~~~~~~~*
Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb
Good grief...they managed to make Amanda Peet look bad. I didn't think that was humanly possible, but there you have it.
_______________________________________________
Never question Bruce Dickinson!
Piper Perabo's name is so annoying & pretentious, just like her.
I thought Laura Dern looked the best. Gorgeous dress.
James Haven knows that Melanie HATES being in the same room with Madonna!! The feud goes wayyyy back to when they both were footloose and botox free! Yes that far back!! Everyone knows Madonna's loins were hot for Antonio and Melanie fears that the two of them did the horizontal hip hop behind her feeble back! Rumor has it that Melanie fills up on enough of Vodka to kill a small village in Uruguay!
Even though Madonna looks like a piece of dried crust from Rosie O'Donnell's bloomers Melanie is still pea green with envy!!
The hot slut of the night was Miss Jessica Lange! Always beautiful, always classy but those Hollywood bitches are to stupid to realize! Makes James Haven so mad!
******************************************************************
See James Haven in an Oscar winning performance!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2w9cKFiCrSU
```````````````````````````````````````````````
Melanie's been a permanently drunk ass mess for years! I've stopped wondering how Antonio can stay with her.
"Gonorrhea?! That's my favorite STD! I love gonorrhea!" YES!
"The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face." MK
Jessica Chastain totally bugged me. Whoever she is.
So did the mom from "Modern Family". Like a roided out Donna Reed or something.
That whole ivory, demure look was WAAYYYY over-done last night. Jesus God, did all the stylists get together and decide?
Submitted by Hellraiser: "Can we please discuss Kelly Osbourne's lavender on top, faded carrot-orange in the back hair?"
LET'S!!!
And, naturally, since she's an arbiter of taste and fashion (according to the execrable "E!" channel), no one's going to call her out on it. It's almost like she's saying "I dare you..." to her "fashion critic" friends.
Even Mr. Hekki, who was only watching for the boobage, said "WTF?!"
What? Frasnk Castle is nuttier than squirrel shit?
Please be lying!
I could go on a rant about Zooey Deschanel, but I think LaChaylo posted the summary. For someone who is supposed to be some indie queen, that pretentious, undertalented twat Zooey is everywhere. Gag.
Beyonce in her own mind, oh man that's good stuff.
I thought Julianna Margolis looked great. Liked the lavender and green earrings combo.
I realize Thomas Jane is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, but I would.
I, too, am completely sick of Zooey. Dear god, let her 15 minutes tick by quickly.
Submitted by warmislandsun on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 5:14pm.
Lea looks like she had to pee. Zooey - wearing a wig? Zooey just looks fakey.
----------------------------------------
it looks like a wig to me, it made me wonder if she wears wigs all the time. If you look at her older movies where she has blond shoulder length hair it is nowhere near as thick as it has been in the past few years. Look at her in Elf or All the Real Girls
This is actually a flattering pic of the Glee girl's mess of a dress, which looked a positively ugly shade of GREEN on the carpet. She looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon's skanky girlfriend.
Submitted by suckandfuck on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 5:38pm.
mrehhh! I'm goin to the Globes seeeee??? I'm gonna look like an old timey guy seeeeee?? I'm a real gangster SEEEEE?
----
Holy shit, I can't stop laughing.
I don't hate Gellar's dress. I actually like the pattern. It's different.
Why are Lea Michele's boobs forever hanging out? It's either a low-cut drop front or this figure skating uniform.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
mrehhh! I'm goin to the Globes seeeee??? I'm gonna look like an old timey guy seeeeee?? I'm a real gangster SEEEEE?
-------------------------------------------------
Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.
I thought SMG's dress was horrid, and the fact her 2-year-old picked it out says everything. It looked like it went through a wash cycle with some rogue bleach.
I LOVE SMG's dress, I think the color combo is gorgeous and I wish I could take mushrooms and stare at it. It was really different, it stood out but it wasn't slutty and it fit her well, the color really looks good on her!!!!!!!
also you can totally see Thomas Jane's junk so his outfit is a win for me
Not related to the messes, I just don't know which post to ask this: Where was Jack Nicholson? I don't remember seeing him last night and he never misses the Globes.
Lea looks like she had to pee. Zooey - wearing a wig? Zooey just looks fakey.