“Keep Up, You Feeble Cripple. The Smell Of Virgin Blood Is Coming From Over Here.”

As soon everybody on the red carpet at last night’s GGs got over the shock of seeing Angie Jolie not wearing a laundry bag of a dress in the color of black grave dirt, their blood veins started shaking out of a fear since she had the look of hunger sparkling in her eyes as she dragged Pepaw Brad behind her. Never mind that Angie’s dress made her look like a rolled napkin at a Valentine’s Day party, I couldn’t get past her terrifying vampire face. I know that Angie always looks like she’s just been floating above the cobblestones in Transylvania in search of a village virgin to feast on, but last night I wore a garlic choker and a clip-on crucifix nipple ring, because she looked like she was trying to drain my blood with her eyes. Even Vincent Price was like, “Too far, Angie. Too far.”

And this skinny ho really needs to do a dollop of Daisy on all the veins she’s about to eat from. But before Angie ate all of the children from Modern Family in the parking garage of the Beverly Hilton, I hope she gave Brad a hug. He needed one after his brofriend, George Clooney, went from singing “I only have eyes for Brad” to singing “I only have eyes for Michael Fassbender’s peen” while accepting his Best Actor trophy:

“I would like to thank Michael Fassbender for taking over the frontal nude responsibly that I had. Really Michael, honestly, you can play golf like this with your hands behind your back. Go for it man, do it!”

And just like that, Brad’s heart crumbled the same way the ground behind George’s Italian villa crumbled after he told his contractor to build a private golf course for Michael Assbender and him. Michael Fassbender’s peen is the new Brad Pitt.