Maury's Services Are Not Needed After All

Because The National Enquirer has solved the case! Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match! O.J. IS the father. The birds of the forest just fled from the trees as Harry from Harry and the Hendersons made the ground quake by doing the Not Father Dance. I guess that bareback quickie he had in the shrubs after eating ten too many fermented peaches was with a half-shaven baboon after all and not Pimp Mama Kris. It's an easy mistake to make.

The National Enquirer (via DM), who are obviously going hardcore for the Pulitzer Prize in comedy this year, heard from a source that a couple of years before Khloe was born, Pimp Mama Kris had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all. The source says the proof is in the face of O.J.'s daughter Sydney, because they think she looks just like Khloe. The source went on to spit this dollop of pricelessness:

"O.J. told me Khloe's his child. It was the big secret that no one in the two families would discuss. And Robert admitted he and Kris were not having sex at the time Khloe was conceived. O.J. bragged about his sex life and many female conquests, which he said included some of his best friends' wives.

He used to tell us way back - even before he and Nicole got divorced - that he had a love child with the wife of a wealthy family. But at the time of Khloe's birth, it would have been devastating for the news to come out that America's biggest sports hero had fathered a love child."

Oh shit, that is good. The National Enquirer should just handle every story from now, because they are masters at spinning a whole lot of WHO CARES into gold. They're like Fuckerystiltskin. But they're not completely off base. Before Pimp Mama Kris was a bona fide pimp, she was a bona fide whore to the core so you shouldn't put it past her. That said, this isn't true ("Thank you Professorina Obvious" - You to Me). O.J. is a heartless monster, Pimp Mama Kris is a heartless minion of Satan and the only crime against humanity Khloe is guilty of is this.

And of course, Kim had to stick her Twatter into this:

Now we have all the answers! It makes sense now! Khloe u are so tan!

Kim, kindly suck on a giant Shut The Fuck Up. I'll paint it black if that helps. Kim is just bringing this up so hos will temporarily forget that she would be nominated for a Razzie for her emotional performance in that SUV ride she faked for her reality shit show. Kim, just because we're laughing at O.J. doesn't mean we still can't smell the burnt fakeness wafting off of your ass. Put down the Febreze, it doesn't mask the stench.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by jelliebean on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:58am.

Aahaa! Rita F, you are right, the hairdresser looks just like Khloe.

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:57am.

Submitted by mike on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:22am.

Not that I believe it, but Ted Bundy's ghost supposedly haunts the room in which he was executed.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

Good thing he wasn't a cannibal, then!

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by i_heart_jack on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:57am.

Even if OJ is the father of both Khloe and Sydney, they have different mothers, so being similar in appearance does not prove anything.

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:55am.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:15am.

Oh god Dog, did they really!?!

^^^^^^^^^^

Yes. I was really little when Elvis croaked but I remember my mother freaking out. Bundy I saw with my own peepers even though I wasn't supposed to look.

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by PrettyHateMachine on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:54am.

Kim just has to make sure she gets in there amd takes some of the spotlight away from Khloe. And you just know PMK is loving all of the people talking about all of the famous men that she screwed.

Hollywood is getting boring, barely anything is shocking anymore.

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:54am.

Submitted by ba-buttons on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:09am.

Well done OJ. I'd bang the ass off of Kris too.

I can't be the only one. There is a really popular MILF porn star right now named Shay Fox who looks very similar.

http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/shay-fox-avn-adult-entertainment...

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I'll admit, PMK has certain MILF qualities. That haircut though, it would definitely soften my boner if I was male.

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/

Submitted by mike on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:52am.

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:13am.
I fell in love with the Enquirer's editors when I found out they published not only a photo of Elvis in his coffin back in the day, but they also posted Ted Bundy's head after he rode Old Sparky down the chute to Hell.

Not that I believe it, but Ted Bundy's ghost supposedly haunts the room in which he was executed.

Submitted by mastixa on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:51am.

I feel like the producers looked at past episodes and thought, what drama can we come up with to deter attention away from all things Kim. Obviously they realized that nothing she is doing is working to make her look sympathetic to the public, so bam! Khloe's doubts on whether she is actually a Kardashian. I just find all of this highly suspect that for several weeks now magazines and entertainment shows are so focused on Khloe and who her father is. That stupid family is probably laying back with popcorn and laughing thinking look at all these fools.

Submitted by Rita Farb on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:50am.

At first I thought Khloe's father was actor John C. Reilly but I now truly believe the father is PimpTrampKris' hairdresser ALEX ROLDAN whom she has been seeing for 30 years. He looks exactly like Khloe and btw Khloe's middle name is Alexandra...

http://hollywoodite.com/khloe-kardashian-real-father-kris-jenner-hairdre...

Submitted by rukiddingme on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:48am.

MTM is a type I diabetic. I am not surprised that she is experiencing serious health problems at her age. It is disgusting that the NE is putting her on their cover with that photo and caption. My husband is also a type I diabetic and the highs and lows of their glucose levels during their lifetime is very hard on their organs, particularly the heart and kidneys. No matter how hard they work at controlling their glucose levels, no one can maintain perfect levels at all times and eventually it takes its toll.

www.petfinder.com - enter your zip code to find adoptable pets in your area.

www.animalrescuesite.com - click everyday to help feed animals in shelters.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:46am.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:03am.
Oh dear Whamo...we all get old and we get ill. Beauty fades
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Indeed GG, you're born, you die and pray you have a lots of fun and love in between :)

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:46am.

Imma say it and then sit next to the driver on the short bus to hell.

MTM looks like Jocelyin Wildenstein sans fards on that pic.

*skateboards out of thread*

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:45am.

Oh god Dog, did they really!?!

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:43am.

I fell in love with the Enquirer's editors when I found out they published not only a photo of Elvis in his coffin back in the day, but they also posted Ted Bundy's head after he rode Old Sparky down the chute to Hell.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by The Machine on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:43am.

Why does PMK always have a smirk on her face like she just queefed in a silent room?

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Raising the bar for lowering standards since 1982.

Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:54am.

Lol! That smirk is permanent thanks to her plastic surgeon.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:42am.

Mike, I didn't watch it, I have BW overload!

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by annobanano on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:41am.

This was from several months ago - it looks like she's blind in her left eye. Read she had surgery last may for a non-malignant brain tumor:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2036743/Mary-Tyler-Moores-s...

Anyway, poor lady, I wish her well.

Submitted by TexnDoc on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:40am.

I just love the "You Are Not The Father" dance. And as always get a laugh out of Maury consoling.

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:39am.

Submitted by TheHeckler on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:50am.

Well, Jay-Z does have SOME class.

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www.charitywater.org

www.theanimalrescuesite.com

www.modestneeds.org

Submitted by jelliebean on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:39am.

"had an affair with the monster who would go on to murder the so-called best friend she sold out in a tell-all"
This is a telanovela right??
MK you could write Dynasty 2.0.
Let's call it "Die Nasty Die!" It will be the porno slasher series of the decade. Each episode will feature a Kardassian family member enduring a horribly gruesome death.

Submitted by ba-buttons on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:39am.

Well done OJ. I'd bang the ass off of Kris too.

I can't be the only one. There is a really popular MILF porn star right now named Shay Fox who looks very similar.

http://www.exposay.com/celebrity-photos/shay-fox-avn-adult-entertainment...

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Name Deleted: Me, too. I really liked that movie. It's funny. Where is that idiot? I just went to the Tattoo Boy thread (where ba-buttns got all hoity toity) and didn't see.

Submitted by mike on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:38am.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:02am.
I have decided to believe that TNE, just got a pic of MTM without her makeup on and taking advantage of being an oldster by getting a wheelchair at the airport......

Wasn't she on the Betty White special? When was that filmed, and how did she look?

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:37am.

I think the NE's right! I mean, they're both kind of tan with long straight hair that parts in the middle! Sisters for sure.

Although I don't doubt for a second that PMK would screw her "bff"s husband OJ, soulless bitch.

Submitted by Datura on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:36am.

Submitted by mike on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 11:00am.
When is kidney or heart failure not dramatic?
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I guess if you're married to Mariah Carey, your kidney failure can be "mild." I'm still baffled by that one.

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Masturbation is not a GD game of Clue, there is no reason to head to the broom closet with a rope and a lead pipe. –michelleb

Submitted by annobanano on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:35am.

PS - I'm wrong - he's not a plastic surgeon.

Submitted by guest on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:34am.

Khloe & Sydney in a split screen! *home alone face*

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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:33am.

Oh dear Whamo...we all get old and we get ill. Beauty fades.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:32am.

I have decided to believe that TNE, just got a pic of MTM without her makeup on and taking advantage of being an oldster by getting a wheelchair at the airport......

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by Spaz de la Whoreta on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:32am.

Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:40am.

National Enquirer are fucking ASSHOLES... didn't they also have pics of Patrick Swayze on the cover in his final days?? that shit is just wrong...
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One of the rags did it with Paul Newman, too. It broke my heart.

Submitted by Ding_Dong on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:32am.

This has got mess written ALL OVER IT. Pimp Mama Kris is a VILE HUMAN BEING

Submitted by tojo on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:31am.

Submitted by ProfessorVP on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:41am.
The moment Mary Tyler Moore was shown at the tacky Betty White tribute, I knew she was very ill. Unlike all the other speakers, she wasn't filmed walking onstage. I've loved her since the Dick Van Dyke Show. Isn't she married to a doctor? Can't he help? Or who knows- maybe he has helped. Ugh
=======================
Sadness...

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...the end

Submitted by annobanano on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:31am.

Awww - MTM makes me sad, love her. And Professor VP, she's married to a plastic surgeon I think? Maybe he's to blame for her face

Submitted by Sweetas on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:31am.

OMG MK, "Fuckerystiltskin"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAcan'tbreatheHAHAHAHA!!

Submitted by Hekki on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:30am.

Oh that's just LOW.

Submitted by mike on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:30am.

When is kidney or heart failure not dramatic?

Submitted by Capitanne on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:30am.

Running out to the grocery store to buy a copy of the National Enquirer.

Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:29am.

It's sad to see MTM all fucked up like that. She was so gorgeous back on the Dick Van Dyke show, a flat out stunner, this really is sad.

Submitted by Capella on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:29am.

To be fair, the NE are like a bulldog when it comes to proven bone meat: They don't let go! Not even shot in the head would make them unjaw that shit.

Hmm,Rick Perry quit. I wonder if Larry Flynt has FINALLY found proof.
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Did you know? There's a new nasal Viagra on the market. Yeah, it's for Dickheads.

Submitted by M.E. on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:29am.

O.J is rotting in a Reno (or is it Vegas?) jail cell. He can't call up TMZ and give a statement...well, I guess he could if TMZ wants to front the collect call.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:28am.

I have no doubt PMK had sex (doubt a whole blown out affair) with OJ. This is probably were her daughters got their taste for chocolate. BUT I thought Chloe (not doing the bs fake spelling) was supposed to be lighter and taller and bigger, so the daddy is someone else...dunno. Does it really matter? She still has PMK's dna in her.

Submitted by icallbs on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:28am.

gross. and, poor khloe. like a really bad game of "who'd you rather?" only you get to be either a simpson or a kardashian... no winners there.

Submitted by snowpiece on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:28am.

who is Sidney's Mom, Nicole?

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by Rocket on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:27am.

Their paternity test experts took a patch of Khloe Kardashian's back fur that got stuck on a tree trunk as she ran through the forest in search of pygmy goats to eat and tested it with a DNA sample they got from O.J. Simpson's ill-fitting glove. It was a match!
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That is some funny shit MK!

Submitted by guest on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:23am.

Fuckerystilskin!! Lmfao. U so know Kris did.

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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.

Submitted by WithinReason... on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:23am.

These fuckers are sensing this story has traction... Minions of Satan, I WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME ON YOU ANYMORE! Lord please help me keep this promise!

"back fur" DNA, Hahahaha

"The only money shot you'll get is a load of tears to the face." MK

Submitted by TheHeckler on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:22am.

Submitted by Few Words on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:50am.

oooh baby drama. leaky condom strikes again.
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On that occasion, the glove did not fit!

Submitted by yucko on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:21am.

That picture of Mary Tyler Moore is... depressing. I used to watch Dick Van Dyke and The Mary Tyler Moore Show on Nick at Nite. And, by the way, has anyone else noticed the utter SHIT they show on TV Land now? Like, why the fuck are you airing Everybody Loves Raymond marathons instead of the old stuff that was actually worth watching? Fuck TV networks showing so many trash reruns these days instead of shilling out the money for decent programming.

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:22am.

I overslept and I'm just now waking up. Is this serious, and was Kim's tweet real? Clearly I shouldn't be going on Dlisted when I first wake up. Poor Khloe, if he was still considered "America's biggest sports hero" instead of America's biggest murder trial it wouldn't be half as bad.

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/

Submitted by TheHeckler on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 9:20am.

Submitted by Dog on Thu, 01/19/2012 - 10:40am.

Trust OJ to stick his big fat head into the situation. Bitch can't stand not being in the spotlight. PMK is a rancid c*nt but even she would have drawn the line about sleeping with Ape Face.
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Wait, are we talking about OJ or Jay-Z here?