KWellFed Suffers A “Mini” Cardiac Arrest In Australia

Because Celebrity Fit Club worked so well for him, KFed is doing another weight loss show in Australia and during a challenge, his heart started freaking out the same way it did when he found out that the Jack in the Box by his house was going to stop serving 24 hours a day (been there). Team Chunk (copyright: C+D) is taking a hit this month. First Paula Deen gets struck down with the ‘beeties, then we learn that Twinkies are in danger of going extinct and now KFed is on the verge of a cardiac breakdown.

A spokesperson for Channel 9’s Excess Baggage show tells The Telegraph that KFed was doing a standard warm-up drill with an Australian football team when he started to complain about chest pains. The medic on set checked his pulse rate and that shit was PopoZãoing so hard that an ambulance was called. KFed was taken to Mt Druitt Hospital where doctors are keeping him overnight for observation. The rep wanted it to be known that KFed did not have a heart attack (Translation: Brit Brit, keep writing those checks, because KFed ain’t going anywhere). The rep also said that KFed has dropped some chunk while doing the show and the number 232 looks back at him when he steps on the scale.

You know, since I got back from Italy a few weeks ago, I’ve been on a sort of diet. I haven’t been eating a pizza and Top Ramen taco every night and I’ve been doing crunches (aka trying to make out with my peen lips by folding in half). But not anymore. Fuck exercise and fuck getting healthy. Working out kills! Look at KFed. KFed’s fat, out of shape ass ran in the Australia heat and it almost killed him.

Whenever I walk by a gym, everybody in there looks like they are in the middle of a painful death. Life is seeping out of their pores in the form of sweat and they’re huffing like they’re trying to push out their last breath so the misery can end. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that the gym is a torture camp. Then when I walk by a Cold Stone Creamery, it’s the exact opposite. Everyone is happy. Everything is beautiful. And everyone is licking up the cream like it’s the blended placenta of a rainbow. If I had just beamed down to this planet, I would think that Cold Stone Creamery is a happiness camp.

Doesn’t Dr. Oz says that we should listen to our bodies? Well, when I start to do half of a crunch, my body screams out, “NOOO! IT HURTS!” But when my tongue touches cream, my body screams out, “YESSS! IT FEELS GOOD!” So see, I’m only doing what Dr. Oz tells me to do.