GOOPY On Her Lipstick Lesbian Daughter And The Boyfriend Who Cheated On Her Ass
The pictures of GOOPY Paltrow in Harper's Bazaar will cover your eyes with the organic grease that's smeared all over her legs, but don't worry you'll wipe those away as soon as your eyes start rotating at all the colon balls of pretension that come leaping, twirling and floating off of her tongue. You know, though, this interview isn't as ridiculous as the usual shit that comes spewing out of her talk hole. The worst part doesn't come from the mouth of GOOP, it comes from Harper's writer Justine Picardie. Justine drank the GOOP and kept drinking the GOOP until the GOOP started spilling out of the pores on her fingers. I mean....:
We've grown accustomed to the symmetry of her face and her killer body displayed on the red carpet since her catapult to fame in the '90s. But when you see her today, without the distractions of props or makeup or styling, in jeans and a white button-down shirt, Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline. As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.
And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger so I can wet heave and jerk my head until my brain has erased that paragraph from my memory. I bet GOOPY totally served Justine a pizza from her wood-burning garden pizza oven. All of the powers of GOOP lie within that wood-burning garden pizza oven. Or the porcelain bathtub in her bedroom. Those are the weapons of GOOP's mass pretentious. Now on to quotes!
On how she loves the wrinkles that were majorly Photoshopped off in these pictures: "I'll take my wrinkles. I don't like the Botox thing."
She goes on to admit that she gets tons of facials and has done laser treatments. I believe her. Like this bitch is really going to fill her face with some shit any poor can buy with a credit card. Botox is so provincial. If Fishsticks wants to get rid of a wrinkle, she just recites Justine's paragraph above into the mirror and her face will naturally barf out globs of fat that will fill her lines. Voila!
On how she goes on a 12-week detox every season: "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar. I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."
So if this bitch detoxes for 48 weeks out of the year, that means most of the year she spends starving herself and shitting her asshole off. This explains everything. If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole.
On how her father's death SAVED her life: "All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."
On her anti-feminist advice to her really famous friend (like she has any other kind): "She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It's been all about you and you're a big deal. And if you want what you're saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."
On how her husband Chris Martin doesn't pass his peen around, but one of her ex-boyfriends did: "I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."
The cheating boyfriend is totally Brad Pitt (or Ben Affleck). The actress friend is totally Cameron Diaz (exhibit: A!). And I'm totally going to juice a box of Twinkies and eat a bowl of corn syrup sprinkled with powdered preservatives until my heart is pounding, my skin hurts and cranky is the only emotion I feel. Because if that's this twat's idea of being wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!
• 
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Brad Pitt is NOT the cheating boyfriend. In a TV interview, GOOP was asked what her biggest regret was; she said it was breaking-up with Brad. She actually looked sad. But the bitch said this soon after she got MARRIED TO CHRIS! What kind of cunt does that?? Proclaim that you're happily married, but openly pine for your ex in the next sentence?
Bitch is beautiful until she opens her mouth. It really is just skin (or in her case, colon) deep. Barf.
Compromise is not anti-feminist, you brainless git.
Get your head out of your arse, bitch. That is NOT a yoga pose!
I hope this bitch "naturally falls" into a pose in front of my car as I drive over her dead, boney ass over and over again.
I'll use Uncle Jesse's motorcycle...
How is it possible that this raging douche monger is the child of Blythe Danner? Danner always seems kind of cool. Toity, to be sure, but cool.
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Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. ~ Emo Phillips
I hate this nepotistic C. U. N. T.
Spaz de la Whoreta,
Not a Master Cleanse, I've never done one. But, eating an anti-inflammatory rotation diet. My doctor's had me doing it. It doesn't cure cancer, just controls inflammation that leads to disease. You can't stop everything, obviously, but it doesn't hurt. I have no idea if her methods are doctor-approved, etc.
lol ilu mk
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Just hit the mute button or turn your ears into vaginas (aka fold them over each other). - MK
I hate the fact that this bitch looks good...
**falls into a jealous crying fit of rage**
Thanks to all for kind words. My dad is doing ok so far, but its progressing and its unstoppable at this point.
He ate well his whole life and was very physically fit. But prostate cancer can strike any man, even fit ones.
Her comment just seemed very cold.
Fuck the haters, Gwyn looks GREAT.
Now, someone shoot her!
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Facebook: Triston Negreaux
http://www.myspace.com/triston
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Where's a suicide bomber when you need one?
i didnt even see the yoga comment until now. jesus fucking christ what a smug bitch. and how can you sleep at night when you've just gushed about a cunty celeb like that? she'll jet off to the same ring of hell where billy bush, giuliana rancic, mario lopez and all of the other celeb ass kissers will be. They can discuss eating disorders, yoga poses and possible pregnancies for all eternity.
Submitted by Dog on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 1:27pm.
HEY ASSHOLE! YOUR ADRENAL CORTEX DOESN'T GET HIGH! THE LEVELS OF CORTICOIDS AND ANDROGENS IT MEDIATES DO!
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I kind of want to siggie this...
Submitted by LaChaylo on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 10:40pm.
I'm bored so I have the following questions/thoughts:
Why is the writer blowing smoke, err, fine Artesian mist, up her ass?
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Trick promised to introduce the writer to Anna Wintour. Or offered her a tapeworm from her secret supply. I think that's how she stays slim.
I think the main pic is fantastic.
*hides*
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I love you, is all that you can say
Years gone by and still, words don't come easily
Like I love you, I love you
I'm bored so I have the following questions/thoughts:
Why is the writer blowing smoke, err, fine Artesian mist, up her ass? What has Goop done besides the shitfest that is POOP, Gone Cuntry, and Glee? She hasn't done anything exactly memorable in quite some time besides shove her cunty mug in front of the camera and spew macrobiotic hot air about her "lifestyle." She won an Oscar, why can't she just disappear in her English garden maze?
Blythe dear, what did you drink while this green turd was in your womb?
I'd feel "poor thang" for her for being so pathetic, empty and internalized but shit, she is such a narcissistic cunt that it's hard to empathize at all.
She sounds like she may have dislocated her adrenal cortex up her fucking fresh ass. Yeah, she has no idea what adrenal even is!
Submitted by ricockulous on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 10:03pm.
Gwennie still has quite a few years left to fuck up her kids' lives, she needs to pace herself.
Lolllllll!
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Please: It's "rahnday."
Hi, I just came back to say I Caaaant Staaannd Her! Again.
Also I love your comments dlisters, thank God for all of you, because somehow you counter balance the horror that is Goop. Also sorry for all you with family members with cancer it is a hellish disease.
What is this asswipe talking about? Cancer happens at a cellular level. Not all cancers are caused by lifestyle choices, sometimes it's crappy genetics and bad luck. My 4 year old had cancer and I can assure you, it wasn't caused by lifestyle choices (or even crappy genetics in his case).
Also, isn't her daughter really young? Why is she talking about her sexuality? Gwennie still has quite a few years left to fuck up her kids' lives, she needs to pace herself.
Submitted by Coffy73 on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 4:26pm.
What a pretentious idiot! You can be a feminist and be a housewife or a family-oriented woman, if that's what you want. It's all about women being able to choose what they want for themselves, instead of some man saying you can't do this or that or you're only allowed to live a certain way of life.
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Cosign. She clearly has no idea what the term means, which is all too often the case in her interviews.
I'm sure Apple is really going to appreciate her mother's public discussion of her "butch lez" gender identity when she grows up. Christ on a cracker, don't people THINK before they spout off shit in interviews?
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Never question Bruce Dickinson!
Harpo, who dis woman?
She looks VERY different.
The term "insufferable cunt" always comes to mind whenever I see her.
"i can feel my adrenal cortex being really high"
Yeah - you and every social x-ray in Greenwich, Gwyneth. Please.
The GOOP diet: where you can't eat anything that casts a shadow.
Also, if I was having a conversation with someone and they started contorting themselves into yoga posts in the middle of it, I'd think them to be quite rude.
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Never question Bruce Dickinson!
On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."
pretty pink ruffles and bows? oh no, her daughter's like most every other little girl her age! how bourgeois, heteronormative and not special... poor apple, being born to this self-aggrandizing miserable fuckwit with poor scientific literacy. i'm honestly surprised she didn't claim to cure cancer.
SHE SMOKES Cigs? That BITCH!! Whatever molecule of respect I might have had just went up in SSMOKEEEE!
I would love to see her in a room discussing social issues with Gloria Steinem. Now THAT would be like Courtney love discussing calculus with Sir Isaac Newton.
What a BITCH!!
.
.
She is not even using the term "lipstick lesbian" correctly. Her daughter could grow up and be very femme and not be lipstick. (Yes, I realize this is NOT the part of the interview that should annoy me.) Come on GOOP, get your dyke stereotypes right!
Brad is probably not the one who cheated on her because the long standing rumor is that she cheated on him and that is why they broke up.
Just because she's got the charm of constipation, I hope her daughter grows up to be either a bible thumping sister wide or a chunky chick who only eats chicken nuggets and doughnuts and farts in front of goop's celeb friends.
She knew on a cellular level after she found naked pix on his phone.
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Please: It's "rahnday."
I cannot improve upon the stellar comments here which made me crack the fuck UP, but...
She is almost the last person in the world qualified to give marriage advice. She and her husband barely speak to each other. And I bet a jillion dollars the "friend" specifically did NOT ask for any advice.
When did flat chested and flat ass = killer body?
This chick is average at best.
This is a bit off topic, but I think I read via an online news website that Sarah Jessica Parker is going to be portraying Gloria Steinem in a new film.
Now, that is a REAL offense for Gloria to take notice of. Sarah Jessica Parker? Really?
What a moron. Uggh.
Her damn grammar does not even make sense. She fancies herself as an intellectual. She may want to use proper English first. Wench.
Oh, and what kind of fucked up mother sits there during her pregnancy or when her daughter is a toddler and goes, "I hope my daughter grows up to fuck other women! That's what I want for her! I'm such an awesome parent"?
I mean, a SANE mother would be like, "I want her to be healthy, and smart, and successful, and have a long happy life with someone she loves." "Not "I hope she fucks women. That would make me seem SO cool and tolerant."
Fuck you, Goopy. I hope your daughter grows up to adore the cock, wear pink frills, eat tons of pizza and have a happy life doing everything you disdain. I hope she's a total disappointment to you.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Stupid bitch...you smoke! That can cause cancer too...or has your head been so far up your own ass you hadn't heard? And those pics are totally photoshopped to hell and back!
LMAO@ Submitted by urmomma on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:53pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 1:51pm.
*seductively slides in to the Warrior 3 pose*
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I am impressed...I am still working on sucky's monkey shitting in tree pose...I am wearing my 3rd adult diaper today.
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...the end
My adrenal cortex says to you goopy to stfu!
what a piece of shit you are goopy. wtf with the cancer comment? healthy people get cancer too. THIS BITCH!!!! I can't go on with all I want to say to her...imma go apeshit!
Coma Caca!
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"I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."
She knew on a "cellular level?" Does that mean he gave her an STD?
"As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential."
Holy f'n shit this is the rudest cunt in the present universe. Inane no nothing with pretensions. Unbelievable. No fucking substance. Worst interview yet. Worse than the one saying how the children say good night to the chandlier in that hall at night and you can buy one too for oh $3000!
How the hell did we get served this as something great. Go fuck yourself girl. You know shit! Abaolute asshole.
"Doc, I don't want to fly anymore"
Submitted by Phoebe on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:49pm.
And yet Courtney Love and Keith Richards will live forever. You can lessen the chances of developing an illness with exercise and healthy eating, but you can't get rid of them completely
Also, too many cleanses could rid your body of things that it needs to FIGHT OFF cancer. And depriving yourself of major food groups will weaken it in other ways, dumb goopy bitch.
Also about feminism: Even Steinem got married, you dumb bitch. True feminism ISN'T about staying single and never having a family. It's about making the decision to marry/not/marry/have kids/not have kids YOURSELF, rather than doing it because you're being TOLD to, sold off or because you can't do otherwise because there's nowhere else to go.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
@cokeysniffy, Sorry to hear about your Dad! :(
/Still no comment on this entitled bitch!/ (-_-) Taking the high road here today guys. No energy after getting almost no sleep last night...
MK, mention her tomorrow & watch out!!!!!!!! LOL!
"But then as you're doing your thing, he's just laying there moaning like an old dog having a nightmare." MK
Submitted by Alix on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:37pm.
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 3:46pm.
Here's what Imma gonna do. Imagonna go buy a $1 jar of cold cream...
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ImpertinentVixen, you light up my life.
Mine, too!
please someone shoot this bitch.
Tell it to Steve Jobs too - he was all vegan and holistic.
And what's she talking about clothes? What about that shiny pepto bismol dress she wore when her daddy bought her the Oscar?
YEah, and to the poster a couple of pages back who used to be a dancer and then would twirl at work well.. you're at work practically all day, every day; I can see how that might happen at times. But in an interview that lasts, what, an hour in total, I find it impossible to believe that striking random yoga poses isn't simply a way to impress upon the writer that 1) G thinks her time would be better spent in the yoga studio than speaking to her 2) she's so enlightened and healthy that she just falls into poses without thinking about it bc they come so naturally to her 3) her scrawny body looks lithe and limber from every angle. C'est tout!
Oh why do these magazine always blow smoke up her ass? Do she really move that many issues? On behalf of the rest of humanity ignore this pretentious twat.
How much do I hate this twat - let me cunt the ways. the lipstick lesbian thing - please - bitch is obnoxious