GOOPY On Her Lipstick Lesbian Daughter And The Boyfriend Who Cheated On Her Ass
The pictures of GOOPY Paltrow in Harper's Bazaar will cover your eyes with the organic grease that's smeared all over her legs, but don't worry you'll wipe those away as soon as your eyes start rotating at all the colon balls of pretension that come leaping, twirling and floating off of her tongue. You know, though, this interview isn't as ridiculous as the usual shit that comes spewing out of her talk hole. The worst part doesn't come from the mouth of GOOP, it comes from Harper's writer Justine Picardie. Justine drank the GOOP and kept drinking the GOOP until the GOOP started spilling out of the pores on her fingers. I mean....:
We've grown accustomed to the symmetry of her face and her killer body displayed on the red carpet since her catapult to fame in the '90s. But when you see her today, without the distractions of props or makeup or styling, in jeans and a white button-down shirt, Gwyneth's calm beauty is striking, as is her extraordinary discipline. As she falls naturally into yoga stretches during the course of the conversation, supple as a cat, you realize that this is a woman for whom working out has become essential.
And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger so I can wet heave and jerk my head until my brain has erased that paragraph from my memory. I bet GOOPY totally served Justine a pizza from her wood-burning garden pizza oven. All of the powers of GOOP lie within that wood-burning garden pizza oven. Or the porcelain bathtub in her bedroom. Those are the weapons of GOOP's mass pretentious. Now on to quotes!
On how she loves the wrinkles that were majorly Photoshopped off in these pictures: "I'll take my wrinkles. I don't like the Botox thing."
She goes on to admit that she gets tons of facials and has done laser treatments. I believe her. Like this bitch is really going to fill her face with some shit any poor can buy with a credit card. Botox is so provincial. If Fishsticks wants to get rid of a wrinkle, she just recites Justine's paragraph above into the mirror and her face will naturally barf out globs of fat that will fill her lines. Voila!
On how she goes on a 12-week detox every season: "I have a lot of inflammation in my system, so I'm not having anything I'm allergic to—no gluten, no dairy, no sugar. I'll wake up exhausted; I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. When I get into bed, my heart will pound, my skin won't be good, I'll feel cranky, and then I'll just know it's time."
So if this bitch detoxes for 48 weeks out of the year, that means most of the year she spends starving herself and shitting her asshole off. This explains everything. If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole.
On how her father's death SAVED her life: "All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."On how she thought Apple was going to be a junior butch lez: "I've been saving my clothes for her since before she was born. I was like, I'll bet you anything I'll have a daughter, and she'll be a really cool butch lesbian and be so above clothes, and I got a very clothes-obsessed child. So if she's a lesbian, she's a lipstick lesbian. She doesn't like anything avant-garde at all. She likes anything that's pretty, pretty, pretty or has a bow or a ruffle or is pink."
On her anti-feminist advice to her really famous friend (like she has any other kind): "She is an actress and in a new relationship with someone else with a big career, and I said this may not be feminist, but you have to compromise. It's been all about you and you're a big deal. And if you want what you're saying you want—a family—you have to be a wife, and that is part of the equation. Gloria Steinem may string me up by my toes, but all I can do is my best, and I can do only what works for me and my family."
On how her husband Chris Martin doesn't pass his peen around, but one of her ex-boyfriends did: "I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time. I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story."
The cheating boyfriend is totally Brad Pitt (or Ben Affleck). The actress friend is totally Cameron Diaz (exhibit: A!). And I'm totally going to juice a box of Twinkies and eat a bowl of corn syrup sprinkled with powdered preservatives until my heart is pounding, my skin hurts and cranky is the only emotion I feel. Because if that's this twat's idea of being wrong, then I don't ever want to be right!
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Submitted by Naughychimp on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:39pm.
You know who Apple sounds like? Paris Hilton 2.0!
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Submitted by cokeysniffy on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:22pm.
My father has terminal cancer.
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Your love and your humor will help him. It's a dreadful disease and I hope he is not in terrible pain.
Goopy puhleeze. You may have all the money in the world now but your family is from Bayside Queens. Check yo-self.
So, the implication is that anyone who dies of cancer simply didn't lead a sufficiently healthy life?!? Bullsh*t. Often, it's genes at work - nothing more, nothing less. STFU, Gwyn.
Her cousin in real life is a butch lezzie... very cute...played a slutty hairdresser character based on Sally Hershberger (sp?) on The L Word. Gwyneth WISHES Apple could be so edgy. Little blonde girl with wonk eye and a love for ruffles and pink bows isn't nearly Cool enough for G.
Remember when G appeared on Letterman and everyone was grossed out because her legs looked like they'd been dipped in olive oil? Her publicist released a statement about it (!) the following day, saying that some peon assistant had greased up G's legs but hadn't sufficiently massaged it in by the time G had to go on TV. Yeah, blame The Little People. And yet here are G's legs again, in these photos, shiny as a chicken bathed in Crisco; clearly, she thinks oily skin looks hot. I beg to differ.
Submitted by ImpertinentVixen on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 3:46pm.
Here's what Imma gonna do. Imagonna go buy a $1 jar of cold cream...
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ImpertinentVixen, you light up my life.
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
Submitted by cokeysniffy on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:22pm.
My father has terminal cancer. Her quote seems to be about how superior she is for living a lifestyle which protects her from the disease. She is disgusting. I literally hate this woman's guts. I wouldn't wish terminal cancer and its ravages on anyone C ancer doesn't discriminate just because you eat organic.
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I feel the same way. If she loved her father so, then why is she, in a sense, blaming him for his own death? As if his lifestyle CAUSED him to get cancer. What a cunt! (Can I say that here? No? Well, she IS one.)
Submitted by cokeysniffy on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 5:22pm.
My father has terminal cancer... Cancer doesn't discriminate just because you eat organic.
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Sympathies, my friend. I have a family member with advanced cancer, too, and she didn't get it from anything she ate. Going vegan or organic or whatever won't save you if your genetic history or sheer crap luck says otherwise. Ask Linda McCartney.
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
What a pretentious, untalented, attention-starved skank.
This loser has nepotism to thank for every good thing in her life.
The power of a publicist is amazing! Paltrow is a Plain Jane at best, a little homely at worst: nothing remarkable in any way. Yet, she's had a publicist telling everyone she is one of the most beautiful women in history for the past 20 years and everyone falls for it!
Wake up!
My father has terminal cancer. Her quote seems to be about how superior she is for living a lifestyle which protects her from the disease. She is disgusting. I literally hate this woman's guts. I wouldn't wish terminal cancer and its ravages on anyone C ancer doesn't discriminate just because you eat organic.
those pictures are terrible. how's this guy get famous?
remember her statement about hollywood being like high school and shes popular? she cant grow up past that shit. i used to like her too, until she became so fucking annoying.
I was so amped on her stupid lesbian quote I forgot to hate her for the thing about her dad. I think that is how she is 24/7 and I'll bet she really does give advice to Jay-Z on his colon while he's trying to look at a watch catalog or figure out which spoon is for the caviar. That makes me feel a little better. She and her friends have so much money but god they are just dead boring.
And also, why would you ever need a hangover cure if you were living such a healthy life? She has to get wrecked to stand herself and I do sympathize, but then she should shut up.
Botox has turned this soulless popcicle into a sort-of-attractive Claire Daines.
"Revenge is sweet and not fattening"
-Alfred Hitchcock-
Her carpet doesn't match the drapes. Just thought I'd remind y'all.
Submitted by warmjuice on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 4:29pm.
How, or shall we say as the kids do these days, what, do I, the, Gwyneth Paltrow, do, to have, a, FAAABUlous AAAMAAAZZZing day? Oh Angelina has an ambiguous DAUGHH-ter so I will as well tee hee. I made Tumsong Second Flush tea today- I am filled with the powers of goop.
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...'Tumsong Second Flush tea'...bahahaha...
...and MK's not exaggerating...a 12 week cleanse 'every season' means this pretentious bore would be detoxing 48 weeks out of every year...highly dubious...
...and this isn't the first time she's made self-centred references to her late father...
...maybe she doesn't intend it this way, but it's like she always finds a way to turn his dreadful experience with terminal cancer into something about her...
...like how much 'she' suffered from his disease and death or how much 'she' has learned from it...
...and the whole speculation about her daughter's sexual orientation is completely uncalled for...
...yeah she pretty much consistently manages to come off as an insufferable jerk...
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...'She’s a really nice person and I have great respect for her as an actress — and I think most actresses are c*nts with a capital K' - Mickey Rourke...
Submitted by TelevisedRevolution on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 3:13pm. I would pay GOOD MONEY to see Gloria Steinem string her up by her toes.
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Yeah so would I if only because this asshole let Terry Richardson shoot her for the article. When the fuck will one of these famous people who have the power to do so step up and say that TR is a scumbag and refuse to work with him? Jesus, they should refuse to interview for magazines that print his shit.
This bitch should be the LAST one giving anybody advice on anything at all. Unless it's how to annoy the fuck out of people by sounding like a pretentious asshole or how to blow a Weinstein to get ahead. She always talks about giving her friends advice, but her husband seems to fucking hate her and all her "health" advice, the hangover cure, the cleanses, is just advice on how to dehydrate yourself. A friend of mine did the Master Cleanse and said all it did was give her a killer headache and explosive diarrhea.
Also, whenever she talks about herself it comes out like "Well, I do this and this UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE" with little jabs at former friends and frenemies. Yes, your father got cancer just so you could live longer, you dumb bitch. So useless.
Sometimes I wish that I was small chested like Goopy so that some things would hang on me better, but my husband would miss my gazongas.
How, or shall we say as the kids do these days, what, do I, the, Gwyneth Paltrow, do, to have, a, FAAABUlous AAAMAAAZZZing day? Oh Angelina has an ambiguous DAUGHH-ter so I will as well tee hee. I made Tumsong Second Flush tea today- I am filled with the powers of goop.
What a pretentious idiot! You can be a feminist and be a housewife or a family-oriented woman, if that's what you want. It's all about women being able to choose what they want for themselves, instead of some man saying you can't do this or that or you're only allowed to live a certain way of life.
"And excuse me as my mouth naturally falls onto my erect finger..." -- THIS sums it up! Hahah!
GOOPY, don't talk, never talk again! Looks HAWT (wtf?!) *I AM ignoring what she sharted from her piehole! Not going there today* (-_-)
Now, how do I mute my damn eyes? lol!
"But then as you're doing your thing, he's just laying there moaning like an old dog having a nightmare." MK
"If you only ate grass sweat and laxatives camouflaged as organic vitamins, any sense of reality you had would come shooting out of your b-hole."
Thanks MK, that explains my entire childhood in a nutshell.
My name is Gwyneth Paltrow! and I am into cleansing! the body!, did you know I cleanse!? Straightforward no eating all shitting cleansing. Feasibly fifteen drops of organic non-gmo hmo cranberry juice early in the morning to burn off during the day. Really gets the blood flowing to have that rush of calories flow through the system.
Submitted by dlaugher on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 4:05pm.
Submitted by citizenstrange on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:14pm
LOFL!
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by motherslittlehelper on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 4:01pm.
There's something to the cleanse/anti-inflammatory diet in fighting cancer, it's true.
But, she's too annoying to acknowledge more than that.
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Really? The guy who developed the Master Cleanse was originally convicted of murder charges in relation to treating a cancer patient.
She knew on a cellular level a boyfriend was cheating on her? Ha! She smelled his dick, fosure.
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Submitted by citizenstrange on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:14pm.
".... I knew on a cellular level,....."
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That's just nonsense right? Completely made up nonsensical gibberish right? Or is that something that people actually say?
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Why, sir, just this fine, bright ante meridiem, I told my boy child that he better stop releasing vapors at the table (so as to distress his younger sibling) or I would change him at a cellular level.
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Amnesty International
Shine a Light
There's something to the cleanse/anti-inflammatory diet in fighting cancer, it's true.
But, she's too annoying to acknowledge more than that.
-"Submitted by A.cotw on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:38pm.
I hope she naturally falls into a deep coma."
Ahahahahaha!! It sums up pretty nicely what I feel about her.
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-"I am not about to deal with unstable people" - HEART ANGELINA.
Here's what Imma gonna do. Imagonna go buy a $1 jar of cold cream. Imagonna get a drunken, dirty hobo to jizz into it (do not ask me how; I must keep some things on the down-low). Imagonna put it in an empty Vicks Vapo-Rub jar with no label. Imagonna make friends with Goopy. Imagonna tell her this is both a face cream and a buttery spread. Imagonna charge her $1500 for the secret formula, which I will tell her is powdered unicorn horn, fairy dust, the dew from newly fallen blossoms in a Japanese garden, and a pinch of extra-virgin holistic olive oil prepared by monks in Tibet.
Then Imagonna laugh my ass off because Goopy is eating and smearing hobo jizz all over her stupid, dull face.
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
" I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. "
Mine itches a little today.
My adrenal cortex is pulsating madly right now, which I can tell is a sign I need to punch someone in the face, hard.
►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄ ►◄
Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
I don't have room to talk about "healthy living" but alternating between binge eating unhealthy foods then fasting/cleansing etc. eventually takes a toll on your health. Of course, Goopy has her head stuck too far up her freshly cleansed rectum to consider basic common sense.
She needs to gain 10-15 lbs because women who are that thin tend to look like hags after age 45.
Here's what I get from it: I'm so cool and hip. I'm even cool with gay people and you know that's very hip right now, Even if my daughter was one I'd be cool with it. Even if she was one of the icky ones! But she's totally not! She's totally about the cock, I'm pretty sure! Not Gay! Not Gay! But if she was gay I'm totally cool with it. I'm hip.
Look. Gay people need to burn this witch for this bullshit. Fuck her and her fucking co-opting bullshit. She can talk about her colon until she withers and I don't care but don't make some fucking veiled statements you cunt! And don't talk about your children, you cunt! She's a fucking cunt. Am I overreacting? I see it as a veiled anti-gay statement that tries to sound so fucking accepting at the same time. Fuck her.
http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/
"I knew on a cellular level" whaaaat? If Gwyneth and that Courtney girl put out a joint blog/Twitter, the English language would implode. I swear they both just pull sexy and/or intelligent-sounding words out of the air without any thought for the actual definitions.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
Submitted by jelliebean on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:43pm.
Take two tablespoons of blood from the deflowering of an organic Chinese virgin mixed with organic dirt and three teaspoons organic whole wheat flour and place mixture in small pot to grow an organic Bonzi tree. Only let tree have one organic month growth before you place in organic designer blender. Blend to chop and feed contents to middle aged organic white goat. Use excrement of goat as fertilizer for Water Lily. Use Water Lily petals on eye lids for a quick organic perk up instead of organic cucumber. Plus you can watch the tree grow as you do yoga poses.
Drink three organic glasses of organic wine; organic polyphenols. (those petals have a use after all….)
I would pay GOOD MONEY to see Gloria Steinem string her up by her toes.
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We worked hard for our money! So hard for it, honey!
Submitted by guest on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:17pm.
GG...who's goopy's dad?
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I'M AM
It doesn't even look like her.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 1:51pm.
*seductively slides in to the Warrior 3 pose*
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I am impressed...I am still working on sucky's monkey shitting in tree pose...I am wearing my 3rd adult diaper today.
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I've got ten bucks and me and dirty eddie are staying out all weekend! - Rob Pue (thank you BBitch and Sweetas)
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK
" I can feel my adrenal cortex being really high. "
I'm not even sure that makes sense.
"All I've learned about nutrition and health came from his cancer. I'll probably have a long and healthy life because he didn't."
I bet Goopy things she will live forever because she does all of these detoxes and eats all natural shit. I bet she dies early from malnutrition and I will laugh.
The feminist thing is also really obnoxious. No, you don't have to be a wife to have a family, and no you aren't being anti-feminist by having a family or being a wife. There are plenty of feminists that have families and are married. I do not think that word means what she thinks it means.
She looks like a bonier less attractive sister of Heidi Klum in these pics.
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"Bye, Whore" -MK
I wonder if there are celebrities who have discreetly contacted adoption agencies around the world, specifically requesting a transgender infant to adopt so they can be the trendiest parents, increased PR/media attention as the child grows...acceptance into "ultra cool" celebrity circles...wouldn't surprise me.
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The calliope crashed to the ground...
lol warmjuice on Madge's tips for Demi and Goop
1. Take handful of fresh artisanal hydrangeas raised in your own hydroponic garden...
Shove them up your anus, ahem, I mean, make your own organic enema and marinate there for three weeks.
Brew the excrement into an invigorating spirit tea.
Submitted by louise_brooks on Wed, 02/01/2012 - 2:36pm.
Who the hell randomly strikes yoga poses?? That reminds me of those idiotic cheerleaders in high school who would just suddenly silently burst into their cheer routine. I guess that was just in case you forgot for five fucking seconds that they were a cheerleader.
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HAHAHAHAHAA!!! My gf all through HS was a cheerleader and did that shit... It was extremely annoying, HOWEVER, she couldn't talk and do her practice cheer at the same time so I encouraged the practice.
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"The English are horrible and Oprah is a moron." 01/10/12 the refined Brit, clairey claire
"I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story" = I stumbled upon her number on his telephone, but he convinced me he never met her, she was just a crazy fan of his.
I hope she naturally falls into a deep coma.
I've never really noticed her smile before. It somehow looks painfully awkward and makes her less attractive.
Who the hell randomly strikes yoga poses?? That reminds me of those idiotic cheerleaders in high school who would just suddenly silently burst into their cheer routine. I guess that was just in case you forgot for five fucking seconds that they were a cheerleader.
I know some incredibly stylish butch girls and I know some lipsticks who shop at Sears. What the fuck is she talking about? For someone so "in the know", she's still living in 1991.
Also please don't encourage Cameron and Diddy to breed. Dumbass.
Cripes! I read Justine Picardie's ramblings when I lived in the UK over a decade ago. She always was a crap writer and age has not improved that.
Also, I am a certified yoga teacher and my ass has never gotten into poses or stretches when I am talking to someone. Such a fucking poser!