Lindsay Lohan Will Play Elizabeth Taylor In That Lifetime Movie

Billy Bush, the Teddy Ruxpin doll who was brought to life by The Blue Fairy, heard from one of his sources (read: WHITE OPRAH!!!) that professional fuck-up and star of TMZ’s live court feeds, Lindsay Lohan, has landed the role of Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s biopic Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. There’s a catch, though. Lifetime asked RuPaul to come to their offices and stand in front of LiLo while letting out those magic words: DON’T FUCK IT UP!

Access Hollywood says that Lifetime will give Blohan the role if she follows the rules of her probation and doesn’t snort her way to more trouble. After sixty five million chances, LiLo is finally doing the shit she’s supposed to do and if she continues to not fuck up, her probation will end in March. That Lifetime mess is supposed to start filming sometime after that.

Lifetime movies are the perfect thing to get into when you’ve got time, no friends and a whole Entenmann’s devil’s food cake, and those bitches are trying to mess this up by casting Blohan. They are only feeding her addiction to thinking she has a bond with classic movie stars. They’re enabling her creepiest addiction of all. I’d rather see Lifetime movie queen Meredith Baxter-Burney as Elizabeth Taylor.

I don’t really see this happening, though. Like LiLo is really going to show up on time. The only way she’s going to show up when she’s supposed to is if Lifetime builds all of their sets in the bathroom of Chateau Marmont. It’s going blow (“Did somebody say blow?” – White Oprah) up somehow. The chances of Elizabeth Taylor’s corpse playing Lindsay Lohan in a Lifetime movie are probably greater than LiLo playing La Liz.