Lindsay Lohan Is Serious About Staying Sober This Time

Lindsay Lohan shot an interview with Matt Lauer for Today this morning (it airs Thursday) to promote her SNL shit this weekend, her ruining of Elizabeth Taylor’s image and her devotion to delusion, because she mouth farted out the same shit she said last year. Last year, LiLo told Matt that she was completely keeping her nostrils clean of the bad shit and was on her way to giving mouth-to-mouth to her ravaged carcass of a career. We all know how that turned out. This time, LiLo told Matt that she was totally talking out of her crack hole last year and she now knows she has to prove herself by not acting like a crack bag of fuck ups. As you mutter to yourself “actions fart louder than words” over again, read what LiLo had to say this time:

On if she was high on denial during her last interview: “Definitely and I think it was — it’s a scary thing to have to kind of express to people … I wasn’t as comfortable with myself then. I think it was a fear factor that I had about what was really going on. And, you know, I had to get that wakeup call.”

On her party monster ways: “That’s not my thing anymore. I went out, actually, a few months ago with a friend. And I was so uncomfortable. Not because I felt tempted, just because it was just the same thing that it always was before. And it just wasn’t fun for me. I’ve become more of a homebody. And I like that.”

On if whether or not the industry is at a point where they can trust her to show up on time and do the job: “I think that that’s gonna take — I think that takes time. And I think that it’s actions. Because people can say things all they want, but I think I still need to go through the process of proving myself, you know, with ‘SNL,’ being on time, being, you know, keeping my — can’t say the word — but stuff together.”

On how the dirt in Elizabeth Taylor’s grave will get a good mulching from all the rolling: “We’re in the middle of casting and figuring — we start production soon. I’ve been doing tons of research. But I’ve always kind of researched her. She’s always been a fascinating woman to me. So I’m really honored. And I will not let anyone down, especially myself.”

On how she hopes SNL will show directors and producers that they don’t have to be afraid of investing in her ass anymore: “I don’t want people to have that reason to be scared anymore. So being able to have this opportunity with ‘SNL’ and the film, I’m gonna do what I’m supposed to do, and enjoy doing it, and do it as best as I can.”

Yes, LiLo is the epitome of a homebody and she’s always sipping chamomile tea on her loveseat while watching G-rated Hallmark Hall of Fame movies in her footie pajamas. Just like she did this past weekend, and last week, and a couple of weeks before that. But then again, the bar is her home, so it’s not like she’s lying.

LiLo’s whole “I’M A CHANGED CRACKIE” shit reminds me of the story I told on Twitter this past weekend. I was at a bar that was cash only and all I had was $5 on me. So I had to run to the ATM to get booze money and on my way back I run into this nearly toothless dude who could’ve been homeless. I was already vulnerable, because I was only 3/4th drunk and needed my drank bad. I kind of nodded as he told me that he’s a recovering (unintelligible) and that he needs money to get back to his family in (unintelligible). My smallest bill was the $5, so I handed it to him. He said, “I only asked you for a $1 and you gave me $5.” He sort of stared at me blankly for a second and I expected him to throw a thanks at me or maybe hug me. I don’t know. I just knew I had a delicious cup of the sweet nectar waiting for me and wanted to get out of there. That’s when this ho knocked me in the face with some audacity and said, “You know what would really make this $5 better? Another $5.” That bold bitch motherfucker. Who the hell says that shit? I should’ve snatched that $5 back and then told @lindsaylohan to come and get her relative on the corner of 22nd and 8th.

Here’s LiLo in NYC last night looking like a greasy weave ball caught in a shower drain. Come to think of it, that homeless dude was carrying an orange Birkin bag…