OMG! The Mayans Were Right!

March 7, 2012 / Posted by:

As expected, the mutant Chilean pork rind Snooki began her journey to the title of Mother of 2012 by doing what every new mother does: announce her pregnancy on the cover of a tabloid for a cashiers check and a 9-month supply of prenatal ecstasy pills.

Looking like an over baked Jay Leno as a Disney cartoon princess, Snooki tells UsWeekly that the hairless Ewok fetus in her vodka-soaked womb is 15 weeks old and she found out she was fist pumping for two a few days after New Year’s Eve in Las Vegas. I’d be more disturbed if Snooki didn’t get her fetus drunk, because if I was that fetus, I’d be sucking every last drop of booze from the umbilical cord to escape the pain of knowing who my parents are. Turn that umbilical cord into a beer bong (umbilical bong?), Baby Oompa Loompa!

The once pouf-haired star and LaValle discovered the news “right after New Year’s,” she said. Snooki’s first thought? “‘Shit, I’ve been drinking!’ I was worried. It was New Year’s Eve and we were in Vegas, so I did go crazy.” she admits.

“I have different priorities now,” reformed party girl Snooki says. “I don’t care what anybody else thinks. As long as I know I’m ready and he’s ready.”

Adds Jionni LaValle: “We are not going to screw this up.”

I’m trying to see this apocalypse-summoning news like this: Snooki and Jionni’s idea of not screwing up would be if their little Pickleina Karma LaValle didn’t grow up to be a fame whoring, pickle juice-brained reality star. And the future shit talking blogger cunts of the world need somebody to make fun of, so I just see this as the circle of snark. That’s if humanity doesn’t drown in a tidal wave of pickle juice, jacuzzi water and kamikaze shots when Snooki’s water breaks on December 21, 2012 (the gestation period of an Ewok is 12 months).

And I HATE Snooki for wearing a necklace that looks like Pocky Sticks. Must this bitch ruin everything?

SHARE
Our commenting rules: Don't be racist or bigoted, or post comments like "Who cares?", or have multiple accounts, or repost a comment that was deleted by a mod, or post NSFW pics/videos/GIFs, or go off topic when not in an Open Post, or post paparazzi/event/red carpet pics from photo agencies due to copyright infringement issues. Also, promoting adblockers, your website, or your forum is not allowed. Breaking a rule may result in your Disqus account getting permanently or temporarily banned. New commenters must go through a period of pre-moderation. And some posts may be pre-moderated so it could take a minute for your comment to appear if it's approved. If you have a question or an issue with comments, email: michaelk@dlisted.com

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >