Ashley Olsen Is Retiring From Acting FOREVER!!!!!

The Hollywood sign still has dried tears on it from when Amanda Bynes quit acting for five seconds that one time, and now it has to suffer through the pain of knowing that one of the goth trolls who used to nibble on the bones of squirrels under it has retired from the acting world for the rest of eternity. Ashley Olsen is really busy selling $39,000 backpacks to total fucking morons and she no longer has a passion for memorizing lines and saying them in a dead monotone voice in front of a camera. While Mary-Kate Olsen is acting in a bunch of crap, Ashley tells Elle UK that she’s through with it:

“We worked non-stop until we were 18. Then we decided to take a break and go to school – and that was when we decided to question whether we would carry on in entertainment. It was time to step behind the process. I wanted to work on other things.

It doesn’t mean I’m not interested in Hollywood, I like the way it operates and the people who are involved and the sense of possibility. But if I ever do get back in, it’s not going to be as an actress. It just felt right to move away.”

But…but… If a movie needs two pieces of driftwood covered in yellow seaweed, who’s going to play the other one? If Hollywood does a reimagining of The Shining with The Chronicles of Narnia characters in the lead roles, who’s going to play the other Gollum Twin? Oh well, I guess if Hollywood really needs another Olsen Troll, they’ll get the Illuminati to make them another one using a garden gnome and the blood of a sacrificed chipmunk. At least we’ll always have Holiday in the Sun.