Jessica Simpson Is Trying To Outdo Beyonce
The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!
Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:
“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”
Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some.
If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.
Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas!
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MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
jessica simpson has singularly made me never ever want to be pregnant. so at least she's accomplished that!
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
WTF do you people care about Jessica Simpson and how much weight she put on during a pregnancy?
BTW to whomever said Beyonce did not rent out 1/2 a floor at Lenox Hill Hospital, I'm an MD there and she sure DID! We were all furious with administration as we couldn't get beds for our patients in need of them. So horse manure that she didn't do it and so did the hospital. They're both wrong.
As for Jessica Simpson, shame on her for all the attempted notoriety about a simple pregnancy. As an Ob/Gyn I would think she was carrying twins or she does have an overabundance of amniotic fluid. That in itself could mean something is wrong with the pregnancy and/or baby and I hope her MD did many ultrasounds to determine why. She's gained too much weight, probably as much as any of you females have during a pregnancy but it's an unhealthy amount. She'll have a hard time pushing with that much extra weight on her. My guess, scheduled c-section that's not necessary as ocne her bag of water breaks, he tummy will go down a lot. I don't know where she's delivering but I do hope it's a Medical Center, not a small community hospital. A lot of amniotic fluid can also well protect a baby from different circumstances, e.g. a fall.
Stop downplaying childbirth, it's beautiful if all goes well. If she wants a baby, fine she's going for it and almost done with the pregnancy. She should be in healthy condition for it and the extra weight isn't healthy but 50% of my patients don't heed my advice and gain slowly and less than they have.
I wish her a healthy delivery and newborn. Other than that, why do you people need to dwell on the size of her belly or her? Who really cares? Stop dwelling on her, it's exactly what she wants and move on to other topics where you use your brain. Good health wishes to all.
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No amount of Lipo will get her into Daisy Dukes again. Too far gone.
$5 says Jess splits with this guy after the kid's born.
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Submitted by anonymous7643 on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:36pm.
If she gets paid to be lipo'd and put on the cover of some mag in a bikini it'll just be annoying because it's so unrealistic.
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Yep, this is exactly what's going to happen just like with Jennifer Hudson and most of the other weight loss spokespeople. All smoke, mirrors, lipo, and plastic surgeons.
She doesn't want a bastard and he won't sign her prenup. Not exactly glad tidings for the future. Then there's little Maxi...
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Please: It's "rahnday."
I ain't never seen a woman that big in my 41yrs
1. To the picture above.(Smokey from Friday voice) DAAAAAAAAAAAAAYUM!
2. This is bitch for real? How is Jessica Simpson even relevant for what it is she supposedly did? At this point her fame is like that of a Kardashian or a Hilton, you're just left wondering why?
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I want you to get on them fat chubby knees and take muh manhood in to your sugarwalls!-Early Cuyler -Squidbillies-
I'm thinking this kid may be an only child. Pregnancy is not easy for her.
She ain't even pregnant.... she just sayin' she pregnant. She just fat.
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"She's Black & I'm Gay--- we create culture."
Jessicas placenta could be worth some big bucks on the black market. *swipes doctors white coat and nametag*
Wow Chestica (Pregstica?) is EVERYWHERE! Won't it drive down the price of the baby pics? Anyway, I can't imagine them pulling a Bey-Z either but renting out the local fast food joint to celebrate, they would! :) hahahahahhaha
♥---♥---♥
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Unless she has Mariah Carey's plastic surgeon on standby, I don't think Jessica will ever regain her pre baby figure. Her body has gone to mush.
Submitted by Oxygen on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:46pm.
Submitted by mike on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:38pm.
Since she seems to be reveling in the weight gain, I hope she's one of the unfortunate few who are never able get back to their pre-pregnancy weight. Failing that, I hope she keeps the cankles.
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I am one of those unfortunate ones. A cousin and I (we absolutely abhor one another) were at a family gathering and I passed on some dessert stupidly saying "No thanks. On a diet." to which she said "For what. You haven't lost a pound since birthing Baby Huey over 10 years ago. Go ahead. Eat the CAKE."
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Oooh that's harsh!
"Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”
Good for Paul Blart getting away from the mall for a temporary gig...
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Worrying is using your imagination to create something you don’t want.
And she'll order a bowl of Cheerios. Wow... this is intense.
Wow, he's much taller than I thought.
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im so tired of this bitch and her baby. shut the fuck up already! seriously who is excited for this shit?
i birthed my son myself - no drugs. all the doctor had to do was give me two stitches in the end. the whole thing felt like real bad menstrual cramps. after enduring that shit month after month im ready for a partial hysterectomy.
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"Fatsa or thinsa you still a bitchsa. :p. *poses with arms up for all future picsas* lol" - guest
I agree Skinny fat, I've not heard of any kidnapping of anyone's kid who is a celebrity. I think it was a Mel Gibson movie or something where I saw that.
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Brevity may be the soul of wit, but to twit without wit is soulless -- Johanne Savoie
Submitted by Sweetas on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 4:03pm.
joanne those WERE heels lol
I am getting old, those feet have to swell up when she sits.
I saw this pic a few days ago, she wasn't this wide. appears to have been stretched.
a FATTY FAT FATTY is all jessica is. she must be shoving food down her gullet 24/7. i love these celebs who think everyone wants to steal their spawn. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME CELEBUSPAWN GOT KIDNAPPED? YOU DON'T REMEMBER DO YOU? fucking assholes think they are so important.
joanne those WERE heels lol
i was huge like that, but my son was 10 lbs and 5 ounces...i cant wait to see how much this baby weighs!
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“I think that marijuana should not only be legal, I think it should be a cottage industry.” -Stephen King
I hope she winds up giving birth in the back of a dirty old taxi, and that 1.3 million can be used toward curing some sick kids in the pediatrics ward.
So sick of this talentless twat already.
As Peter Griffin would say, "Bonnie, you've been pregnant for, like, 6 years. Either have the baby or don't!"
meh.... they look happy.
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Fuckery is what fuckery does.
"...she's hoping to get her money back and then some"
seriously, this dumb twat has somehow become a near-BILLIONAIRE pushing shoes and handbags and yet she's still thinking about what kind of profit her baby blob will yield??
rich people make me wanna barf -
I like that dress. She took the heels off so she must be ready to give birth.
I can't believe she's STILL pregnant...it's been about two years...
Yeah I don't believe for a second that this kid is 11 pounds or that she has a lot of amniotic fluid. She's just fat. I think her natural weight is on the chubby side and when she had that body in 2005 it literally lasted for the duration of her movie, and that was it. No way in hell this broad would diet and work hard enough to keep it up. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she should stop trying to fool everyone. If she gets paid to be lipo'd and put on the cover of some mag in a bikini it'll just be annoying because it's so unrealistic.
And yes, I dislike her. Only partially because she is a crass moron who somehow makes money by selling tacky clothes. I can't help it.
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:29pm.
ElB, I ate her children, of course! :)
she is fantastic, just as you'd expect!
You ATE her kids? What kind of monster are....ah, you're joking! Duh.
Did you give her a roundhouse kick to the solar plexus or just talk and eat?
ElB, I ate her children, of course! :)
she is fantastic, just as you'd expect!
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I don't ask for much, I only want your trust
And you know it don't come easy
And this love of mine keeps growing all the time
And you know it don't come easy
I remember one of those very same "birthing videos" that was shown to my Health class in ninth grade. I just remember being so mesmerized by how much a vagina can STRETCH. It looked like RUBBER. Plus, she was so freaking exhausted at the end that her husband (or partner, whatever) had to hold her legs at the end. Ugggh...the abject joy of birth.
I really doubt that anyone would kidnap the baby. When is she due? Any second now?________________________________________________
"Crocs: They are to your eyes what second-hand smoke is to your lungs."
Submitted by parissucksliterally on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:22pm.
who gives a flying fuck about this baby?
FYI, I just met UVY and her family for breakfast!!!!!
*grins*
WHATDIDYOUEAT?
who gives a flying fuck about this baby?
FYI, I just met UVY and her family for breakfast!!!!!
*grins*
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I don't ask for much, I only want your trust
And you know it don't come easy
And this love of mine keeps growing all the time
And you know it don't come easy
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:06pm.
This reminds me, for some bizarre reason, of an article I read a few years back, written by a retired GP.
He said that he had treated "many" men for cuts and lacerations on their manhoods because they had had sex with women who had just given birth and still had stitches.
serves them right. need pussy so bad that you gotta harass a poor woman after she's been split like a grapefruit? hope the shave stubble gave you rug burn too.
I bet his shirts smell like bacon or some other food all the time.
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
Submitted by mike on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:17pm.
"I still remember the video of a birth we watched in biology class in 9th grade. It haunts me (not in a good way)."
There's a good way to be haunted? Why has no one told me this before?
I turned away went my son came out. I was doing fine til I saw my legs drenched in my own blood.
other people's blood doesn't bother me, but my own?
I wonder what that says about my mental makeup..
"looks around nervously"
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I have never loved life so much.
Why do people hate her? Is it because she's kinda dumb? Or is it jealousy? I think she's cute and smiley.
I still have to say, at least this bitch IS really pregnant, unlike some cough, beyonce,cough.
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I have never loved life so much.
Submitted by Meatblocks on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:58pm.
i've seen a live birth. more trauma than a massacre. she's got nothing to be smiling about.
I still remember the video of a birth we watched in biology class in 9th grade. It haunts me (not in a good way).
Lol ME.
Her dress is headache inducing & her poor legs!!!!
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Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Sat, 06/11/2011 - 9:32am.
It's ok to be a redneck by the way.. just don't yell git 'er done because we all hate that.
I...don't think she looks that humongous, by non Hollywood standards.
*runs and hides*
Thanks Sans. Its ALWAYS about the pregnant woman isn't it? TEAM HARDWORKING SPERMS!
I'm going to LAUGH MY FUCKING ASS OFF when she delivers a petite 6lb baby and all this getting FAT FAT FAT is because she's a PIG.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:56pm.
"Giving birth is easy. The hard part is all the pumping the man has to do during conceiving. 9 months later (after laying about eating and farting) all the woman has to do is push a bit (Like crapping a big turd) and out pops a sprog. BIG DEAL!"
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El Bastardo, I've never thought of it that way. You've made me see the light, and realize how privileged I am. I will shout it loud and clear: WONT SOMEBODY THINK OF THE POOR MEN!?!?
I thank you for enlightening me.
;)
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"One does not simply walk into Mordor..."
Alright, this has gone on for far too long. Just have the baby already so we can go back to forgetting you exist.
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"One does not simply walk into Mordor..."
Submitted by Lisbet459 on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 3:06pm.
Submitted by El Bastardo on Wed, 03/28/2012 - 2:56pm.
"Giving birth is easy. The hard part is all the pumping the man has to do during conceiving. 9 months later (after laying about eating and farting) all the woman has to do is push a bit (Like crapping a big turd) and out pops a sprog. BIG DEAL!"
This reminds me, for some bizarre reason, of an article I read a few years back, written by a retired GP.
He said that he had treated "many" men for cuts and lacerations on their manhoods because they had had sex with women who had just given birth and still had stitches.
Truly, men have it soooo hard, amirite?
Ouch. Poor men :(