Mess Of Ages | Dlisted

If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone's kid isn't nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can't with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can't with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can't with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl's singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I'm can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there's only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he's gonna get it.

Posted by: Michael K

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Submitted by johnnysgirl on Fri, 04/06/2012 - 5:48pm.

Oh jeebus NOOOO *stabs eyes*

Submitted by Stan Derp on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 6:43am.

Why anyone would want to make themselves look like a complete tool is beyond me.

Submitted by WallyRaffle on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 6:37am.

Do you think the razzies would even bother though? Would they even pay to buy the awards? I feel like they might just throw up in a trash can outside tom cruises house and kick it over and maybe leave a note? Or just fold and give up. For true.

Submitted by WallyRaffle on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 6:30am.

I. Can't. Stop. Dry. Heaving.

Submitted by loopygorilla on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 5:02am.

oh dear god.....

Submitted by TheBreakdown on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 1:23am.

After watching that trailer, I feel like someone hit me with a sack of bricks.

I guarantee that this time next year, Mary J. Blige's wig is going to win a Razzie for Best Supporting Actress.

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Submitted by WinterOwl22 on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 11:57pm.

She has the most annoying voice ever!

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The poster formerly known as Snow Owl formerly known as Nightowl!

Submitted by el polacko on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 9:47pm.

they're kidding, right?....right???

Submitted by taliaann on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 9:03pm.

I'd rather have major surgery without anesthesia than watch this steaming pile.

Submitted by crankenstein on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 8:01pm.

Yeah, I buy that he is a rock god. The trailer is an abomination. all this film is missing is julia roberts and her smug horse mouth.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 6:43pm.

His prancing about is awful...embarrasing.

Submitted by Libressa on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 6:35pm.

Hey! It's like "Mamma Mia" with guys!

Someone please murder my eyes. Never mind. They're dead now; thanks to seeing macho Tom Cruise up there strutting like a British cigarette.

Submitted by CeeCee on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 5:36pm.

When are these movie studios going to understand that nobody likes Tom Cruise? Who the hell is going to say, "Tom Cruise is in this -- I have to go see it"? No one!

Submitted by Albatross on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 5:23pm.

Lord. This has "Multiple Razzie Winner" written all over it. Tom Cruise as a rock star? Really?

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"I prefer my pieces the same way I prefer my Slim Jims, long, lean and mute" --the incomparable MK

Submitted by lovelylaney on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 5:18pm.

Ooh Tommy's heels are high in this movie!

I feel that it's a shame they didn't get Nippy to be in this. Would have been better than that Sparkle mess.

This movie has the feel like when you're watching a long ass home made music tribute video on youtube.

Submitted by yolie on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 4:36pm.

Looks like a freaking SNL skit! How horrible!!!

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Damn! Nice hooker shoes, baby. Can you dance in those things?

Daddy Spears

Submitted by stefystef on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 3:45pm.

That girl, Julianne Hough, is the living example how it is important to FUCK the right people in Hollywood. How she has a career is beyond my comprehension.

Baldwin looks the best in the movie.
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Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!- Michael K, 1/26/12

Submitted by FoxyBraun on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:58pm.

They should have had Matt Dillon do it and the band could be Joan Jett and Kristy McNichol.

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OMG, this ^^
A "Little Darlins"/"Light of Day" mash-up. Now that, my childhood self wants desperately to see!!!

Submitted by sonne on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:47pm.

I want to believe that, Miss Mabel Hodges, but I tend to agree with the Glee-Showgirls-Almost Famous crap fest hybrid-I don't think I'll even see it for free-why the fuck does Paul Giamati look like Dr. Phil? :P

Submitted by MommytoaLittleMan on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:45pm.

Looks Lame!! I wonder if it will sweep the Razzies next year!!

Submitted by elmo533 on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:37pm.

I thought this movie already came out. It looks terrible.

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"I bet his crotch looks like an uncooked dough cigar lying on a bed of saffron" MK

Submitted by uncle wally on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:29pm.

So that's what a mid-life crisis for a scientologist looks like.

Submitted by Aquarianne on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:27pm.

Who on earth let Suri Cruise do the casting of this movie?

Submitted by helenwaite on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:27pm.

From the director of Hairspray ?!?!! Hairspray, which starred John Travolta??!!! Ummm.....

snark is good.

Submitted by oh_wow on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:18pm.

wait what. i couldn't even finish the trailer.

Submitted by kiwikim on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:12pm.

What the fuck in Glee Rip Off Hell.
It's too bad Tom Cruise is in the lead role because I like a lot of the other people in the picture and would have seen it if it weren't for Tom. And the theme is totally fucking tired.

Submitted by Bunnyman on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 2:00pm.

This is going to be incredibly, spectacularly, mind-blowingly awful. The Razzies can go home now because this pile of crap will win Worst Picture for the next 50 years.

Seriously, it's gonna set a new standard for awfulness.
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"There'll be war and there'll be peace
Everything one day will cease.
All the iron turns to rust
All the Cloud Men turn to dust."
- Pink Floyd "Childhood's End"

Submitted by snowpiece on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:56pm.

Whamo um, Glee Clubs existed loooong before "Glee"
what kind of super cool Canadian jock were you in HS!?!?! ;p

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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky

Submitted by HangryHippo on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:52pm.

many hungry people could have been fed with the money wasted on this "film"

www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack

Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:49pm.

Double post, my bad.

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Submitted by WWJDFAKB on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:51pm.

After watching this all I can say is that rock has officially died or is rolling in it's grave somewhere. What has become of this?

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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?

http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/

Submitted by OneLiner on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:42pm.

This looks like barf mixed with Guacamole...i'm glad I havent been to the movies in a long time...it looks like it will stay that way....

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Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:35pm.

Why are people still trying to make this Julianne Hough chick happen?

Submitted by Whatever on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:33pm.

Looks like a hot mess.

Submitted by dementa on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:29pm.

It's like "Almost Famous" and "Showgirls" had an evil baby who loves musicals.

Oh, and Tammy? You are not Jim Morrison and you never will be, no matter how much you try to convince us.

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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.

Submitted by Mabel Hodges on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:29pm.

This looks absolutely fun and I am definitely going to see it! I love that TC makes fun of himself. Lighten up people...the whole show is obviously toungue in cheek. It's called entertainment kids!

Submitted by megank on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:26pm.

I would have seen this if Tommy Girl weren't in it.

Submitted by Gardening Girl on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:26pm.

Loathe TG...pompous litte twerp!

Submitted by joanne on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:26pm.

I will see it. Probably dvd since I hate to spend money on movies and have talking people behind me.

Submitted by snowball on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:25pm.

Holy shit. I actually knew next to nothing about what this was beyond Tommy Boy being in it.

Alec Baldwin sounds like a cross between Snagglepuss and the Cowardly Lion if you close your eyes and just listen to his voice.

I wouldn't go to the theater to see this because I'm a cheap bitch but I'm embarrassed to say that I really would watch this one on Netflix. It looks utterly tasteless, which could be sort of fun.

Submitted by urmomma on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:24pm.

WTF was that?
And tommyboy needs to stay away from Mary J! DON'T YOU RUIN HER WITH YOUR ALIEN SPACESHIP RELIGION! RUNNNNNN MARY J! RUNNNNNNNNN! DON'T DRANK THE KOOLAID!

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I've got ten bucks and me and dirty eddie are staying out all weekend! - Rob Pue (thank you BBitch and Sweetas)

The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. -MK

Submitted by Two Drink Min on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:20pm.

This is why they need to bring back MST3K to rip this shit apart so I can truly enjoy it.

Submitted by Two Drink Min on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:18pm.

Yeah, maybe it's just the PMS but I really wanted to punch everyone in this and I only saw half. Why don't they just interrupt with one of those "my Happiness cup floweth over" Bonefish Grill commercials during the middle. Seriously.
This preview, those commercials...so much anger.

Submitted by D.R. on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:15pm.

Well, I'm actually looking forward to this. Even if it's bad, I'll still be laughing. :)

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"Two whores don't make a right"-- M.K.

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Submitted by Gardening Girl on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:11pm.

Saw the clip - Why does it feel like someone dumped a whole bunch of melted Velveeta on my high school years?

Submitted by Rocket on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:07pm.

I'm sorry but my butt will go see this - how can you snark if you haven't seen it? Besides guess who wrote the screenplay? Justin Theroux!

Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:00pm.

Submitted by louise_brooks on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:53pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 1:26pm.
OMFG!!!! sweeet geeezuz take me now LOLOLOLOOLOO.

it would have saved the studio a lot of money when this things flops.
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The thing about it Weezy is that kids are so conditioned to this type of crap I wonder if it will actually flop.

Man if you said you liked a show like Glee when I was in highschool you'd get the shit kicked out of you for being a pussy...by the teachers! lol!!

Now they have GLEE CLUBS!!??? WTF!