Simon Cowell Is A Non-Stop Sex Machine, So Says Alicia Douvall
Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.
"On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."
So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception."
But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.
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"you fuck like a cruise ship performer on dramamine" is totally my newest line for when i am just not impressed in bed! thanks for your genius as usual, MK
www.hangryhippo.com: Where hunger, anger, media consumption, and satire meet for a snack
He gives them delightful parting gifts, like mansions and shit. Can't hate on that.
if you have this much money, you can fuck anyone.
simon has probably fucked all those twinks from one direction too in a special 1 on 1 audition in bed.
Do Simon's moobs have milk?
Submitted by Athenys on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 8:49pm.
Why don't you apply some of that brutal honesty you dish out to contestants to yourself and come out of the closet already.
Ha! Nice. He reminds me of Oprah in that regard. He also reminds me of Clooney in that none of his exes speak ill of him. I mean, even saying that Cowell is a mad sex machine is a compliment. I figure the exes have all signed airtight secrecy agreements.
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Please: It's "rahnday."
I have it on good authority that simon cowell is in fact, listen for it, GAY!
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"The world is a pretty nice place if you're happy"
John Garfield
No one lives forever
Simon Cowell makes me think of a lecherous neighbor trying to hit on teenage girls.
giiirrrlll, i would have kept that to myself......
funny but i doubt it. i cant imagine him having sex with anyone, male or female. seems too vain, like he'd rather masturbate looking in a mirror instead!
Vintage clothes 1920s-1980s http://vintageclothesretro.com
Say, that's one heck of a plastic beard you've got there Simon. Why don't you apply some of that brutal honesty you dish out to contestants to yourself and come out of the closet already.
Well yeah, but Cowell considers coming his chest hair in the mirror as sex, so....
Those are some freakish tits...Simon
Nothing the Sun or the Daily Mail prints is ever true.
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Penguin...Batman was so wrong about you.
Submitted by Sweetas on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 4:11pm.
Are either of these 2 actually considered human?
I wonder how much he paid her to say all that? Cowell is gayer than the gayest thing in existence.
"No matter how cynical you become, it's impossible to keep up." - Lily Tomlin
One word: viagra
Submitted by mefunigirl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 5:06pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:48pm
The next morning, my mother would go through my sock drawer and find the breaded veal wrapped in a napkin.
Also, after hurling a few times on forced farmer john sausage, I got a reprieve on that.
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Veal in the sock drawer...LMAO!!! ya I think our folks just HAD to conceed on some things. lol!!
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:48pm
for some reason, I was supposed to be grateful that we could afford veal when I was a child, but I hated it. Every time it was served I waited at the table till it was almost time to go to bed. The next morning, my mother would go through my sock drawer and find the breaded veal wrapped in a napkin.
Also, after hurling a few times on forced farmer john sausage, I got a reprieve on that.
As an adult, I once looked at my dad and said, "Hey dad, I'm not going to eat this sausage they are serving, you know why? Cause I don't have to".
It was a very small victory, but a victory none-the-less.
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And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that. ~ Sweetas
Sandbitch, your Sucky vid is epic. Just beyond.
Every bit of it.
Excellent job!!! What a Dlisted treasure you are.
Submitted by Bunny Rabbit on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:58pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 2:21pm.
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:) lol!
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 2:21pm.
and the 7th is a bendy you kinda have to stuff in.
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I nearly choked on my lunch from laughing so hard!
Whoever this tacky broad is I call bullshit on this story.
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:28pm.
ha ha Whamo, I had the same smart comeback and got the same result!
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Here's a classic, mom told dad how to make a big pan of Baked Beans, part of the recipe was a level cup of sugar to which dad though she'd said 11 cups of sugar. He said he got to about three of four cups and figured something just wasn't right. Well we ended up with this freakin nasty SUPER sweet baked beans and we ALL had to eat a bowl full so the entire thing wasn't thrown out. We still laugh about that one!!
Gah! Why am *I* burping up phantom sardines and onions!!
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:11pm.
SalmaNella, isnt that kinda like almost but not quite Mac & Cheese?
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Poor man's macaroni.
ha ha Whamo, I had the same smart comeback and got the same result!
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:08pm.
Give us a kiss WHamo! *breathes heavily*
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WHamo..lol I can almost smell your breath from here. Bleaaaaaa. You're giving me childhood flash backs I really DON'T need!!
Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 4:10pm.
Whamo: "There are kids starving in China!"
Did you used to get that one?
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LMAO!!! YES except mine was "There are kids staving in Biafra" which must have been the hot spot for starving kids when I was little.
We use to say "well send it to them then" which got you a cuff in the head but giggles from a brother or sister so it was worth it.
That's a disgusting thought. I'm not even reading this. I might have nightmares about ... oh, no - not even going there. Next ...
Sandbitch, you can add me to the list of people who loved your ode to Sucky video. I needed that laugh that day, too. And thank you for your aussie bendy story. What a visual!
SalmaNella, isnt that kinda like almost but not quite Mac & Cheese?
Whamo: "There are kids starving in China!"
Did you used to get that one?
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
Give us a kiss WHamo! *breathes heavily*
Whimps! Sardines are da kind!
Submitted by SalmaNella on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:57pm.
For instance, He made this horrific concoction of plain macaroni in hot milk. Utterly revolting.
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That IS funny Nella, and it DOES that sounds NASTY for sure!!
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Submitted by snowpiece on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:54pm.
Whamo! Me too and word on the mushrooms and I could outlast a pork chop till the next morning!
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I would have helped you with your Pork chop no probs Snowy, I love my Pork choppers!!:)
Submitted by Bigbendy on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:37pm.
Sandy, I love your avie and your ode to Sucky is genius. You are a true D listed god.
---Why thank you, bendy?? And thanks also to all the other sloots that have commented on the sucky vid. It had to be done eh.
Now, about this *bendy* business. I once dated a guy who had a bendy banana penis, thanks to a botched circumcision when he was a baby. No kidding, when he boned up it near went up his own bum. Being inexperienced at the time, I thought they all pointed down and under for quite some time (hehe he was an aussie). I got a bit of a surprise when I met one that sprang to attention.
So when I hear/read *bendy*, personally I think of Mick's dick :)
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Sucky - Ultimate Grand Supreme Dlisted Celebrity
http://youtu.be/kYrxbOV_znM
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:48pm.
As a kid I came from a family that you ate what was on your plate or you simply did not get up from the table, mushrooms and sardines were two foods that I actually WON the "eat it or you're going nowhere" showdown you would have with your parents.
I would and did sit at that table for HOURS absolutely refusing to eat it even if I had to sleep at the table. My folks finally caved in and didn't give it to me anymore.
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LOL! I can relate to this. I fell a sleep a few times at the table as a kid for "not finishing my dinner" My Dad, in particular, was pretty hard-nosed about it. However, some of food was inedible. For instance, He made this horrific concoction of plain macaroni in hot milk. Utterly revolting.
I really want to take a leaf blower to his furry tittyballs in a manner that would cause repeated slappings to his face.
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"Uh, hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of Cokes, and a bunch of whores." -Butthead, of Beavis and Butthead
Whamo! Me too and word on the mushrooms and I could outlast a pork chop till the next morning!
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
"Probing" is not the same as "doing it 11 times." On the other hand Simon probably has access to Illuminati-grade Viagra and whatever else. He doesn't act like a cokehead but they can't cum anyway, so I don't know what would count as a "time." Anyway, I basically believe it except that I doubt this chick can count that high.
http://burning-plastic.tumblr.com/
As a kid I came from a family that you ate what was on your plate or you simply did not get up from the table, mushrooms and sardines were two foods that I actually WON the "eat it or you're going nowhere" showdown you would have with your parents.
I would and did sit at that table for HOURS absolutely refusing to eat it even if I had to sleep at the table. My folks finally caved in and didn't give it to me anymore.
I quit reading after "furry chest turnovers" because I almost fell to the floor laughing.
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:41pm.
Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:17pm.
Her photo looks like she just smelled her own fart.
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I think she just smelled GG's Sammich!
BLEAAAAA how can ANYONE eat sardine sandwiches. lol!!! ewwwwwwww!!!!! x 20
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I totally agree!
*sprays monitor with Febreze*
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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkein
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Submitted by Momus the Sarcastic on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:17pm.
Her photo looks like she just smelled her own fart.
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I think she just smelled GG's Sammich!
BLEAAAAA how can ANYONE eat sardine sandwiches. lol!!! ewwwwwwww!!!!! x 20
Submitted by Sandbitch on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:30pm.
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Sandy, I love your avie and your ode to Sucky is genius. You are a true D listed god.
Submitted by Provolone on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:14pm.
Submitted by Bigbendy on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:09pm
I read it as Simon trying to stuff in his "bendy" jizz. Now it all makes sense.
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Provy, haha. Simon has bent up, crooked jizz.. Do you think he had the big V so he can't have kids? I think his ego is so huge that he might want one just so he could have a mini me. He would definitely clone himself if he could.
Submitted by RandéSleepover: "You know you have no self-esteem when someone analyses your sexual performance just like a judge on TV, says how there could be an improvement next time, and you let there be a next time."
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A-fucking-men!
Submitted by Gardening Girl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:27pm.
Off Topic - I just ate a lovely sardine sammich with onions! Yummy! I so happy now!
---That is so disgustingly on topic I feel positively unwell now thanks.
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Sucky - Ultimate Grand Supreme Dlisted Celebrity
http://youtu.be/kYrxbOV_znM
Off Topic - I just ate a lovely sardine sammich with onions! Yummy! I so happy now!
Her photo looks like she just smelled her own fart.
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“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.” J.R.R. Tolkein
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Submitted by Bigbendy on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:09pm
I read it as Simon trying to stuff in his "bendy" jizz. Now it all makes sense.
Submitted by SalmaNella on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 3:04pm.
Submitted by Bigbendy on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 2:58pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 2:21pm.
Submitted by jack-n-the-hat on Mon, 04/23/2012 - ff in.
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Whamo, This. You are right on the money. Although I'm not sure what number it was, that was the nickname that I gave my boyfriend......hence my avie Bigbendy!
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I was wondering where your nickname came from! Always an education on the D.
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Salma, yeah the boyfriend didn't appreciate at the time but I thought it was hilarious .he preferred Mr.Happy.....but whatever. ;-)