The Time Simon van Kempen Jizzed On Himself While His Wife Was In Labor In Front Of Him
I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.
In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.
Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"
You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.
• 
this broad needs some shame...
...there are no words...
The way these two freaks have to constantly validate how close they are just confirms shes nothing but his beard.LMAO @ Sam lucifer easter island faces!!
Submitted by catholicschoolgirl on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 11:18pm.
So what's next - he announces he shat himself at the kid's kindergarten graduation? Sucio is right.
☆☆☆☆
IMO, pooping his pants in public is more socially acceptable than jizzing himself in the delivery room, or jizzing himself anywhere, really.
That's..........not right.
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It's already tax time again!? Guess I gotta get my trusted tax adviser, Stephen King, on the phone STAT.
Apologies to Lonely Island.
Get down to the delivery room
Hangin' out while contractions boom
There's my wife pushin' on a metal bed
The kid is crowning, I can see his head.
I'm being supportive as much as I can
I'm even putting up with the full bedpan
Heaving and sweating, writhing bare tums
Then she pushes again, and then she COMES!
And I JIZZ… IN MY PANTS!
(be sure to mention it to TMZ)
I JIZZ… IN MY PANTS!
(our last shot at relevancy!)
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
etc.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
Interesting how nobody questions the validity of this claim. Whoever these freaks are, we know about them now! And we believe their stories, because we have come to expect even lower than low from this ilk.
I have a slightly different take. It seems like these wannabe "stars" are having sex 11 times (sounds like a bad case of road rash to me), men are ejaculating in the labor suite in front of a bunch of people..right. I think somebody thinks this drivel up for the no-talent sleazebags of society and publishes it in these sensational rags.
Whether its scripted then carried out,(xyz sex tapes come to mind) or made up and talked about, it's all the same. Everyone's trying to outdo each other with these stories. One big childish gross-out contest.
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Fair is foul and foul is fair..
So what's next - he announces he shat himself at the kid's kindergarten graduation? Sucio is right.
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If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. - MK
This is like all celebrities at one point or another "announcing" they've been sexually abused as a child. Save that shit for your therapist.
But, we have to remember, all these people get paid millions to "PRETEND"
Be Good to Each Other
I am extremely wary of people that have to share how fucking happy and satisfied they are. The orgasmic birth chicks kind of creep me out because (and just what I have seen from limited documentaries/videos) they are determined they WILL have an orgasmic birth NO MATTER WHAT. I don't have kids, haven't experienced childbirth so I really can't talk but I still find something off about the whole "I WILL ORGASM DURING BIRTH" ladies
Submitted by TexnDoc on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 10:31pm.
I like Mob Wives because it's so Goodfellas.
http://www.vh1.com/video/mob-wives-2/full-episodes/what-goes-around/1683...
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Mob Wives is pure comedy. Renee is always going over the edge with crying, screeching and wailing. Big Ang looks like she escaped from RuPaul's Drag Race and Karen is always down for a bitch fight.
Waaaaaait just a peen-strokin' minute here kids.
Why was he sitting "behind" her and how the fuck were they en"tangled"?
(p.s. I don't think I really want the answer to this question, but just the same I'm asking)
Ahh, dammit. The "she is beautiful lady, she meet millionaire on blah blah.com and you should too" bullshit is back.
competitive birthing for snobs. next.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
God don't like ugly.
bmitted by Banilla Bagina on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:11pm.
It's so fucking OTT PC police it's gag worthy. It seems like a lot of the beasts on there are housebound single and weight issues (hence the "noo body snarking!" Refrain. Just torturous.
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Oooooh this really makes me want to log on there and talk about how hideous fat, unemployed chicks are!
I like Mob Wives because it's so Goodfellas.
http://www.vh1.com/video/mob-wives-2/full-episodes/what-goes-around/1683...
Watch the first five minutes or so. These two people I just read were fired by Bravo Andy and now are just all over the place begging to be hired back into reality TV. If the were any good they wouldn't be gone.
I'd just about forgotten about these two twats!
Think I'll go back to that now. Yuk.
Fuck Yaz, this story is the most effective birth control I ever encountered
Send this shiz to Michelle Duggar and that bitch's vagina will clam up real fast
Yep. I picked him for a jizz in your pants kinda guy.
These Housewives are getting ridiculous. I've seen Joe Guidice's vibrating cock ring now THIS!!
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Sucky - Ultimate Grand Supreme Dlisted Celebrity
http://youtu.be/kYrxbOV_znM
So, it might have taken two years, but someone actually read their book? On purpose? These two wish they were Eurotrash.
Submitted by TrashyWilma on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:37pm.
I stopped commenting on Jezebel a few years ago. Nobody there has a sense of humor and the "slut shaming" and "body snarking" and "ageism" is ridiculous.
* * *
Not to mention the constant apologizing for possibly maybe inadvertently offending anyone or everyone. Ugh.
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This episode brought to you by the letter SHUTUP.
MK needs a "shoot me please" tag on this.
We had a kid, now we think it's okay to overshare because we are so fucking special everyone should care. Would you like to hear about the first week diaper contents and the progress of my pussy's healing?
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Anyone who names their kid Francois and is not of French extraction or some colonial offshoot thereof is a hopeless douche.
@ lovelylaney - there are from the real housewives of new york. they were fired last season (or the season before) I don't really know cause I don't watch it. I saw it one time and they are beyond pretentious and annoying. Very nouveau riche if you will.
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I'm jumpier than a virgin at a prison rodeo - Blanche Devereaux
God that is gross, that is tmi to the zillionth degree, they are so freaking creepy.
I gotta ask, who the fuck are these people? Am I the only one who's never heard of these two twats?
Submitted by coca on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:24pm.
Alex left out the part about the really hot male nurse who was assisting.
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aha! that would explain the sucio business of these two. Sucio never stops, not even for childbirth?
Dam, that is skeevy ! Who the hell wants to hear that ? Yick !
Ugh, I hope their child never hears of this! Keep some shit to yourself, ick. I also hope her excuse is that she was as high as White Oprah on painkillers when she made this nasty statement. I just feel like I would be creeped the fuck out if my husband did this. All levels of fuckery cleared, this is on a whole other level.
I have been single until I met her at matchriches.c❤m. Now I am married with my real love. The site is for millionaire seeking young an beautiful girls.
maybe you will try.
For fuck's sake!
Submitted by Banilla Bagina on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 9:11pm.
Such a non story these two..and jezebel has the worst motherfucking commenters. Thin skinned andrea dworkin fist pumping "feminists". Awful. Like.. "we need a 'trigger warning on this story" (for everything it seems) or "stop "bodysnarking"/slut shaming/fat shaming/insert anything here 'shaming'. It's so fucking OTT PC police it's gag worthy. It seems like a lot of the beasts on there are housebound single and weight issues (hence the "noo body snarking!" Refrain. Just torturous.
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I stopped commenting on Jezebel a few years ago. Nobody there has a sense of humor and the "slut shaming" and "body snarking" and "ageism" is ridiculous.
Well this seems pretty fucking normal, all in a day's fuckery and all that jizz.
WTF is wrong with some people, are they THAT starved for attention and have such little sense of decency that they would expose the world to this depravity?
Suddenly the thought of Cher from Clueless barfing baby food into her son's mouth isn't so repulsive.
Well aren't you just carrying around a big bag of nothing!
um...yeah.
they are nasty.
++++++++
Virtue and Talent are obviously overrated.
*pukes*
Alex left out the part about the really hot male nurse who was assisting.
How nice, his teeth match her hair.
This shit is straight up nasty and repulsive. At the same time, it's something I totally believe considering these two sucio fucks. They are one of the creepiest reality couples I've seen. I'd prob divorce them at age 12 or whenever I realized how insane they are. Poor kids.
EW.
Having viewed and experienced childbirth, I can say without reservation that I find NOTHING orgasmic about it either way. If I can compare it to anything, it would be 1) running a marathon PLUS 2) the WORST cramps of all time times a hundred (I had a natural childbirth, not by choice).
I think the whole ecstatic birth thing is fucking insane.
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"Hooooooty who give an eff about Haiti?! I don't! BAM!" - MK as Taylor Momsen
Such a non story these two..and jezebel has the worst motherfucking commenters. Thin skinned andrea dworkin fist pumping "feminists". Awful. Like.. "we need a 'trigger warning on this story" (for everything it seems) or "stop "bodysnarking"/slut shaming/fat shaming/insert anything here 'shaming'. It's so fucking OTT PC police it's gag worthy. It seems like a lot of the beasts on there are housebound single and weight issues (hence the "noo body snarking!" Refrain. Just torturous.
I'm proud to say I watch all of TRH except for New York. Don't even know who these trix are. Nastaaay though.
www.poopreport.com :)
<3-------------------------------<3
RIMADYL KILLS
o_O
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"Uh, hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of Cokes, and a bunch of whores." -Butthead, of Beavis and Butthead
*side eyes this whole nasty fucking story especially the part about ecstasy in childbirth*
Even if SHE felt ecstasy (which she didn't), why would HE?? NOT BUYING IT. They are lying liars who lie, although I can't imagine why someone would make up such a fucked up story except to get attention.
Didn't Lucy Liu say she had sexy times with a ghost once? Same kinda bullshit.
Why do some women lie so much about childbirf? That's right, Gisele, I am talking about you. What's wrong with saying, "It really fucking hurt. It was worth it, but it HURT."
I am proud to say that I have no fucking idea who these cretins are. If that story is true, he is even beyond the help of modern psychiatry.
"It may seem distasteful to some..."
Yes, that about sums it up.
I guess now is as good a time as any to just shoot myself..
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...the end
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Mon, 04/23/2012 - 8:47pm.
fuckers with big Easter Island faces.
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ROTFL "easter island faces"!! Between this post and "the ring" one, this Monday is the very definition of "Easter Island"
*lmao and cries at the same time for our future
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"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." C.Hitchens,1949-2011. (RIP Winehouse & Houston, 2011) *caprica six was/is here*
Go on...
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Submitted by stinkbutt on Mon, 03/29/2010 - 5:47pm.
suckandfuck, do us all a favor, and hang yourself. Oh, and your parents should be shot for raising a disgusting pig like yourself.