FYI: Jessica Simpson Can’t Stay Away From Eric Johnson’s Peen

Before Jessica Simpson gave birth to an adorable human check worth $800,000, she told Ryan Seacrest that her piece’s peen always has amniotic fluid dripping off of it because they were having them some pregnancy sex all the time. Well, Jessica tells People (via DM) that giving birth four weeks ago didn’t temporarily curb her craving for her man’s dick and she hopped on that shit three weeks after a baby came out of her body. Since Jessica had a c-section, her doctor told her to stay away from crotch bumping for six weeks so the wound could heal, but she did it anyway and of course had to tell us all about it.

“I’ve kind of broken one rule, I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that’s the rule I break.”

Why do I have a feeling that copy of People is lying on Papa Joe’s bathroom floor and that quote is circled  with a thick black marker? DAMN YOU, Jessica.

I get where Jessica is coming from (no pun intended and you can send me your therapy bills for injecting that image into the projector in your head). Sometimes the dick you’re leasing is so good that you just want to hop on it and ride until your c-section incision splits open and the flesh-eating bacterias get you. What else is Jessica supposed to do all day? She’s no longer driving around through the Wendy’s drive-thru all day and she’s got a $4 million Weight Watchers contract to fulfill! So she’s just humping and sucking her way to skinny. And when she needs a quick snack, she just dips Eric’s peen in corn dog batter. It’s only 4 Weight Watchers points!