Charlize Theron Chopped All Her Hair Off

And she looks like a judgmental cartoon caterpillar. Correction: A really hot judgmental cartoon caterpillar. But you know, Charlize Theron would still look hot even if she got a face tattoo of The Situation jacking off into a rubber vagina made of leftover CROCs. Okay, no she wouldn’t. I took it too far.

Charlize buzzed all her hair off to play Furiosa in that Mad Max: Fury Road (Fun fact: The cops call the street Mel Gibson lives on “Fury Road”) movie starring Tom Hardy as Max. Charlize took a Flowbee to her mane of white gold lusciousness, because in the post-Apocalypse there’s nowhere to plug your flatiron and the pile of rubble that used to be a Sally’s Beauty doesn’t have leave-in conditioner under it. So it’s best just to chop that shit off.

I’m more curious as to how Charlize cut her hair off than as to what’s really hiding underneath that hat (dun dun duuuuun). When people cut all their hair off, I always ask them if they did it in a rage-filled, melodramatic, emotionally raw, Mary-J-Blige-as-your-cutting-hair-soundtrack kind of way. You know, they caught their piece rubbing his genitals all over their best friend’s face or their DVR didn’t record the last 10 minutes of the Mad Men finale, so they lose their minds. They run into the bathroom, look for scissors, can’t find scissors, run into the kitchen, grab a knife, run back into the bathroom and start sawing off pieces of their hair while loudly bawling about how they’re cutting their past away and shit. Then as their surrounded by mutilated pieces of their murdered hair, they cry sing the lyrics to Not Gon’ Cry. That’s some Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale shit and it’s the only way to cut all your hair off. Do that shit with feeeeeeeling. I do it with a wig every now and again when I need to feel something.

Here’s newly buzz-headed Charlize leaving a medical center in Beverly Hills yesterday with her tiny son Jackson.