Damn.

The fuckery was with Star Magazine in full force this week. They pulled out a stack of blank report cards, graded a bitch hard and didn’t hold back. They posted the grades on their cover this week and to them Sandra Bullock is basically the valedictorian of celebrity moms and and Xtina might have to take a few summer courses at the office of her local CPS. I don’t know whether to laugh cry at that picture of Max with a shiner or straight up laugh at one of the Dragon Tales Twins screaming for her hired mommy. Never change, Star, never change.

Jezebel read the entire story and they summarized that absolute mess like this:

Sandra Bullock is a Good Mom because she once said of Little Louis: “I do not want anyone else to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!” Meanwhile, Angie is a Bad Mom because her kids travel a lot and “schlepping them around the globe isn’t the best way to give them stability.” Plus, they’re always eating junk food and they (gasp) play with toy guns. Other model moms include Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Pink and Alyson Hannigan; A students in the school of motherhood. Amber Portwood, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are bringing home Cs and Ds. Perhaps some tutoring will help bring those grades up?

The timing is a little off, I know. This should’ve come out in honor of Mother’s Day, but I guess this is Star’s gift to celebrity dads. Happy Father’s Day! And about that pop quiz at the bottom. I’m going to guess that the answer is Kate Gosselin for all of them. And if we fast forward to the future when  Sandra Lee pops out a kid, she’ll be the answer for every one of those questions. I mean, Simon & Schuster is holding the title “Booze Over Storytime” for the future memoirs of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee’s future kid.