The 5 Best Moments From Last Night's Premiere Of The New Dallas
Almost 7 million people watched last night's grand return of Dallas on TNT (yeah, it took me a while to figure out what that is too), because what all of really need right now is to get lost into schemes, schemes, more schemes and Jesse Metcalfe's succulent man tits. Even though there was zero Victoria Principal and needed more campiness, more trashiness and more up-close shots of Jesse's spectacular tit turnovers bouncing up and down in slow motion, I actually liked it. But what that shit lacked in campiness, it made up for in something even better. And that leads me to my top 5 favorite moments from last night's double episode. They're in no particular order and without commentary, because each moment coos for itself. Apologies for the low-budget ghettoness of the quality of each moment. My screen grabber broke and I had to take pictures with my iPhone, but I still had to share this shit with you. Click to perfection:
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J.R. Ewing is truly an angel. But instead of having wings on his back, he has them over his eyes. Glorious! The most unnatural part of the show for me was how every character sitting across from J.R. never once reached out to braid his brows and put one of those tiny little beads at the end. Bo Derek who? Don't you just want to point a fan at J.R.'s feathery brows and watch as they dance in the air like a baby duck shaking its tail? I seriously want to tickle my nipple with one of those beauties.
I have a feeling that's what the Ewing family is REALLY fighting for. They're not fighting for ownership of South Fork, or oil, or that really stupid rock of dry ice Jesse Metcalfe's character is trying to sell (seriously, that shit was like the dry ice you put in your cauldron at Halloween parties to make smoke). They're fighting over J.R.'s brows! I bet that on the season finale, J.R. will wake up from a nap and when his nurse comes in to give him his red Jell-O, she'll drop the bowl and scream at his BROW-LESS face! WHO PLUCKED J.R.?
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Submitted by Starr07 on Fri, 06/15/2012 - 10:08am.
Submitted by mefunigirl on Fri, 06/15/2012 -
No, John Ross is legit, they did a blood test for him. The one that was kristins, was his cousin Christopher, the one raised by Bobby and Pam. She came back after leaving and having an affair with some drug dealer, but claimed Christopher was JR's. Jr wanted nothing to do with him and when Kristin died, the dealer contacted Bobby and they adopted him.
Yes...and of course John Ross and JR are going to refer to him as "not a real Ewing". The first episode was interesting so I'll give it another look.
I loved it! JR had some of the best lines back in the day, I can't wait to watch more.
I barely watched the original back in the day. I will pass on this one.
(973) Jersey Strong
Submitted by mefunigirl on Fri, 06/15/2012 -
No, John Ross is legit, they did a blood test for him. The one that was kristins, was his cousin Christopher, the one raised by Bobby and Pam. She came back after leaving and having an affair with some drug dealer, but claimed Christopher was JR's. Jr wanted nothing to do with him and when Kristin died, the dealer contacted Bobby and they adopted him.
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Thanks for the background! For some reason I didn't remember that part.
I loved the original. Got every season on DVD. (No, I'm not proud of that) I'm enjoying the new version so far and will watch again next week.
I am surprised no one has mentioned Super Man Titty's eyebrows. Those things are overplucked. Jesus, this show has major eyebrow extremes! Over done to nothing totally under done.
Submitted by Starr07 on Fri, 06/15/2012 - 12:20am.
I'm confused about John Ross's paternity (and maternity)...who are his parents? He was going on and on about being a Ewing the whole show long. I thought J.R. and Suellen had adopted him way back when. Is he Suellen's nephew by that woman that shot JR, Kristin?
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No, John Ross is legit, they did a blood test for him. The one that was kristins, was his cousin Christopher, the one raised by Bobby and Pam. She came back after leaving and having an affair with some drug dealer, but claimed Christopher was JR's. Jr wanted nothing to do with him and when Kristin died, the dealer contacted Bobby and they adopted him.
That's why he keeps saying he's a Ewing, because he thinks Christopher isn't.
Dallas was big in our house.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 06/14/2012 - 9:25pm.
Mike, I got lucky and got home just in time - hail started to fall as I got out of my car parked safely under a carport. My mom and a coworker got stuck in the really bad golf to baseball-sized hail.
Dallas is an acquired taste. If it weren't for my loved ones, I'd definitely be living somewhere else. But I DO love the Mavs.
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Glad you're okay! I had gone for a run around White Rock Lake. Darn good thing I didn't meet a friend for happy hour. She got trapped on 75 when those assholes decided to STOP and save themselves. The jerks!
On topic... I had a STRONG urge to break into a highkick routine at the opening theme. (If you've never seen the Cowboy Cheerleaders, you have no clue what I'm talking about.)
And, yes, Jordana Brewster needs to eat something. Too thin ages a face, darlin'! *Off to tweeze eyebrows*
I don't understand. Why can't he put some gel or some pomade on those suckers and comb it down? I think he secretly likes them...Like these hipsters with their curled up moustaches. Haven't seen it yet? You will.
Yes a lot of the 80s shows make me want to throw stuff at the tv. I can't remember, but was the show The Wonder Years the eighties or nineties?
Meh. Someone call me when A&E counters this with Dynasty: The Next Generation.
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I refreshed the page and my PENIS WAS GONE! -- SugarFreeRedBull, MicroPenis Advocate
Where's Lucy?!
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Who are you calling silly cow?
MK, you lure us with the promise of Jesse's nipple action paradise and then you give us shot after shot after shot after shot after shot of some crusty long-ass hairy crinkly eyebrow bush?!?!? Cruel torture, boo.
*of course, your phone has all the JM torso pics... Karma MK, may it visit your nekkid ass pics -on said phone- soon!* lolol
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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I hated that shit show back in the 80s. There were some great songs in the 80s, but the TV was truly wretched. I can't even think of one good one. I just gave up and got a life back then and I didn't start watching TV again until the 90s.
I'm confused about John Ross's paternity (and maternity)...who are his parents? He was going on and on about being a Ewing the whole show long. I thought J.R. and Suellen had adopted him way back when. Is he Suellen's nephew by that woman that shot JR, Kristin? Is JR really his dad? Didn't Southfork look dated last night? Inquiring minds want to know.
Larry Hagman picked up his character right where he left off - it's a pleasure to watch him play what has to be one of the best loved villains.
As someone else said on here, Bobby is no good w/out Pam.
JR was brilliant, Suellen was ok, rest of the show sucked.
Submitted by simon1 on Thu, 06/14/2012 - 11:38pm.
And, on the new show we are to believe 80 y.o. JR has a twenty something son? Life in Dallas is waay f'ed up!!!
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I have no problem believing an 80-year-old could have a 20-something kid. So his boys could still swim when he was in his sixties--not a stretch of the imagination!
I believe the actor Anthony Quinn actually sired children when he was 80 or near that age.
this explains why I stumbled upon the original first episode on CMT today. Jock chain smoking on the porch...that scene wouldn't fly today.
For your grooming pleasure, I give you the Uni-Brow Song.
Off to groom the pussy and hit the sheets. *wiggling eyebrows*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Xz8uwcs9hQ
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"Uh, hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of Cokes, and a bunch of whores." -Butthead, of Beavis and Butthead
I was too young when the original was on and I don't remember this or others on reruns or Nick at Nite. I never really got these nighttime soap operas.
Btw, part of old man brows is they are grey. Grey hair totally different texture. But, dude seriously needs some grooming tools...
Did anyone ever know that Miss Ellie was only ten years older than JR? And, on the new show we are to believe 80 y.o. JR has a twenty something son? Life in Dallas is waay f'ed up!!!
I actually like Larry Hagman--he was so hot on I Dream of Jeannie and I so would have!! Plus, he's a good actor and has great comic timing--even in the old Dallas, he infused JR with some humor, wicked as the character was. I remember in one scene, as he backed his car out of the driveway Suellen was bitching about her emotional/cuddling/love needs not being met or some such thing. He flippantly advised her, "Get a puppy, darlin'!"
That's the JR I choose to remember--not The Scary Eyebrow Man!
lord this reminds me to go pluck my unibrow
Someone needs to pluck/shave/tame those fuckers NOW--in the NAME OF GOD!!!!!
My doctor had the same hideous old-man brows when I was a kid and he used to pluck out hairs from them and HAND THEM TO US. He must have thought we were entranced by his disgusting wiry brow hair. Even then, I was creeped out. YUK.
needs teeny tiny little braids....
I actually watched and suprisingly liked this mess of a show. It wasn't as campy and corny as I thought is was going to be. They did play an Adele song at one point, which made me roll my eyes, but other than that, it was alright. And yes, that douche Jesse Metcalf could get it (I have no shame) and that Josh boy with the ridiculous mustache could get it too. Jordana Brewster needs to eat a sandwich.
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"I was half a virgin when I met him!"
-Mean Girl,Regina George
I can't watch it without Victoria Principal. There is no Bobby without her.
The worst is the eyebrow DANDRUFF!!! Ugh.
*checks Dallas bus schedule*
Gross!
*vomits*
There ahh feel bettah! Take a weed wacker to those bushey brows now!!
MK, I believe that is what you refer to as "an exquisite brow situation."
HAHA! MK you just made my day!
Maybe I'll check this out. I loved the old show and Knot's Landing was the bomb.
Michael you are absolutely brilliant. XO
Mike, I got lucky and got home just in time - hail started to fall as I got out of my car parked safely under a carport. My mom and a coworker got stuck in the really bad golf to baseball-sized hail.
Dallas is an acquired taste. If it weren't for my loved ones, I'd definitely be living somewhere else. But I DO love the Mavs.
JFC, Larry. Trim. TRIM! And don't come anywhere near my food or kitchen.
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"Uh, hello, room service? I'd like some bacon, a couple of Cokes, and a bunch of whores." -Butthead, of Beavis and Butthead
Submitted by LaChaylo on Thu, 06/14/2012 - 9:05pm.
Did you get the severe hail?
You may have heard me mention it, but I lived in Dallas for almost two years. It was unmemorable.
I never watched the original because the only soap operas allowed in our house were novelas.
As a Dallasite and because of MK's review, I guess I'll give this shit a try. It is summer, there's not much else on tv, and I have no summer romance to distract me.
Unless Tyroan comes and sweeps me away...
Now, if only, they'd bring back the Love Boat my life would be complete.
Followed by Fantasy Island.
Submitted by lalamaria on Thu, 06/14/2012 - 7:51pm.
I liked it too surprisingly entertaining-anyone know has that Jordana Brewster chic always looked so scary skinny? I recall her looking way hotter a few years back and Not skeletal.
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Yeah, she seems to be one of those women who reacts to aging with starvation. "If I can't be young, then I at least want to be anorexically thin."
I liked it to. Don't judge! I did get a few inappropriate cackles in but all in all it was nice to sit down and watch people act instead of shop. I always forget that Larry was the Major in I dream of genie so for that and being the most evil bastard in Dallas I still got some love. I'll probably watch again if I can remember what channel TNT is LOL
I have one thing to say...You Bettah Work.
I <3 U Michael K! LOL
I was too distracted my JR's eyebrown situation to follow. I am however watching the original Dallas right now Pam Ewings pregnancy has just been announced at a family BBQ. good times!
In the first pic, I thought Andy Rooney had returned from the Great Beyond. I don't watch TV, so I missed out. Loved Dalas when I was a kid. I had a crush on Patrick Duffy. I know. I am shamed.
Did the new show even address JR's exit to Hell in the old Dallas? I bet not. Or if they did, it was all a dream.
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"Being a fucking idiot is a valuable commodity in this culture because you're rewarded significantly." ~~ Jon Hamm
I liked it too surprisingly entertaining-anyone know has that Jordana Brewster chic always looked so scary skinny? I recall her looking way hotter a few years back and Not skeletal.
You'll always be a fool Bobby! I thought the show was great and reminded me of old times.
Submitted by mike on Thu, 06/14/2012 - 7:18pm.
Hagman has to check wind direction and speed whenever he leaves the house to make sure his eyebrowns don't catch an updraft and make him airborne.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
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Aging meth moobies, busted douche faces, derpgasms, presidents on a stick...and the coup de grasse, old man brows adorning milky eyes.
Doin your part to help control the obesity epidemic by causing everyone to violently upchuck all our meals today? Thanks MK. 8-P