Ann Curry Says Goodbye To Today, Calls Matt Lauer “Glib”

Ann Curry announced on Today this morning the news we’ve all known for weeks: NBC did her dirty by pushing her out as co-host after just a year on the job. As Ann announced that today is her last day as co-host, she choked on Matt Lauer’s smugness and cried, because she had to be a professional and resist the tempting urge to strangle him in front of the cameras. Ann said that she’s staying at the network and will travel the world covering serious news stories for NBC News and Today. Ann said that she loves the viewers, will miss the viewers, especially loves the crew and hopes that Matt drowns in a pool of his own shit. Okay, Ann didn’t say that last part, but I’m pretty sure I saw that line sitting at the tip of her tongue, waiting to fly.

Ann ended her BYE BITCHES speech by saying, “For all of you, who saw me as a groundbreaker, I’m sorry I couldn’t carry the ball over the finish line, but I did try.” Then Matt, Al Roker and Natalie Morales took turns telling their favorite Ann stories from the past 14 years. It felt like I was watching a memorial service with bright lightning. Ann isn’t DEAD! I don’t even know why Ann cried unless she was crying warm tears of happiness. Ann is getting millions of dollars in her exit settlement, doesn’t have to look at Matt’s baby ostrich head anymore and no longer has to go to bed when Jeopardy! comes on TV. Ann is the real winner here.

The most awkward part was when Ann hugged Al, hugged Natalie and didn’t even try to hug Matt. We all know that feeling. Sometimes you don’t hug a bitch you hate, because you’re afraid that your arms will take over and squeeze that trick until their internal organs pour of their mouth. Then you’ll do a dance on that bitch’s insides. Ann probably felt that would be a little much for morning television.

Ann also gave an interview to USA Today last night where she said that she knew she was going to get fired and is sad to go, because the Today co-host job has been her dream job. Ann also said that the leaks about her firing have “hurt her deeply” and she doesn’t blame herself for why Today’s ratings are dropping. When asked about Matt, Ann said this:

“Obviously he’s considered the golden boy of morning television. He’s so good when you sit next to him; it’s hard not to be helped by that. He’s funny and glib, and he knows how the show works. It’s been my honor in this last year to sit next to him.”

GLIB!!! That tickling sensation Matt feels in his ears is from Tommy Girl loudly cackling in the distance. And with that subtle shade, Ann wins again. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, assholes, goodbye!