Bow Down To His Cosmic Royal Highness

In the real-life video game passed off as a religion called Scientology, Tommy Girl’s name is near the top of the leaderboard at the end credits, because he’s almost beat every villain (including sanity), unlocked every achievement and most importantly, has written the biggest check. (Truth: a TRUE queen buys her title!) In an 11-page expose on Scientology in Rolling Stone , the author of Inside Scientology: The Story of America’s Most Secretive Religion, Janet Reitman, writes about the inner workings of Scientology’s hierarchy and says that Little Lord Tommy sits in on a gilded high chair on a throne in the church’s royal court. Tommy has almost climbed to the top of the Bridge to Terabithia, or whatever the hell those crazies call it, and is now one of the main queens, so you better curtsy at his platform heels.

Being one of the HAIC (head aliens in charge) has given Tommy more powers than all of the True Blood bitches combined. You know how Sookeh Stackhouse thinks her fairy vagina has some real powers? Well, her fairy vagina has nothing on Tommy’s fairy vagina. Janet writes that Tommy is an OT VII and is near the top of Scientology’s Bridge to Total Freedom:

OTs are Scientology’s elite — enlightened beings who are said to have total “control” over themselves and their environment. OTs can allegedly move inanimate objects with their minds, leave their bodies at will and telepathically communicate with, and control the behavior of, both animals and human beings. At the highest levels, they are allegedly liberated from the physical universe, to the point where they can psychically control what Scientologists call MEST: Matter, Energy, Space and Time.

Thetan, please. The only thing Tommy has an affect on is MLFN: My Last Fucking Nerve.

If Tommy read a book from the YA Science Fiction section at a Barnes & Noble, he would’ve ended up with the same information and the same amount of special powers: NONE. Bitch thinks he’s Evie Garland and shit.

Tommy can’t leave his body at will, because if he could he’d permanently move into a taller one. Tommy can’t control inanimate objects with his mind, because if he could he wouldn’t have to psychically straighten his butt plug every time it shifted while he walked. Tommy can’t control the behavior of animals, because if he could he’d give himself a good cackle by making the tortured beast on John Travolta’s head jump in public. Tommy can’t read the minds of humans, because if he could he wouldn’t have busted out an “OH SNAP, GURL!” when Katie filed for divorce.

Tommy is taking part in the most expensive and creepiest role-playing games ever, but if it makes him happy, then I say keep jumping up that bridge to nowhere, bitch.