Katie Holmes Is A Stealth Ninja
I've made jokes that the blueprint for Katie Holmes' I QUIT THIS BITCH mission had clips from Sleeping with the Enemy, The Wire, Alias and Not Without My Daughter in it, but The Los Angeles Times (via UsWeekly) says it really did. Since Katie couldn't queef on her bed sheet without Scientology scientists immediately rushing in to confiscate the sheet for testing, she had to be stealth when making her divorce plans, because Scientology was watching her every twitch. If the High Priestess of Scientology, Tommy Girl, ever found out about Katie's plans to not renegotiate her marriage contract, he would've given her another lobotomy with a protocol droid and sent Suri to live in a boarding school on the edge of Xenu's intergalactic volcano.
The Los Angeles Times says that Katie hired three law firms in three states and even had one of her friends buy a prepaid cell phone so she could have covert conversations in secret places Scientologists never go like pharmacies, strip clubs with titties and ice cream parlors with gay people in it. UsWeekly says that one of those down low conversations might've been with the second member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Beards Club, Nicole Kidman. Apparently, Nicole "lent Katie her ear" during all of this. Since Nicole's ear is entirely made of plastic and is completely detachable like her face, I totally picture her sending it to Katie via FedEx and Katie talking into it while hiding out from Tommy under bed.
Before Katie told Scientology to take her e-meter and shove it up their asses ("Okay! That sounds fun!" - David Miscavige), I thought she was nothing but a boring bowl of soggy cornflakes whose brains must've been made of broken Christmas ornaments if she willingly signed up to a Bride of Xenu, but all the stealth moves she made during her divorce have given me a new appreciation for her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that she's suddenly great at making life decisions all the time, because obviously she isn't. I mean, look at that denim sack of a dress she wore while hanging out with Suri and her mom yesterday.
Oh, and Katie gave her latest FUCK YOU to Scientology by going back to the Catholic Church and joining St. Francis Xavier in NYC. From HuffPo:
“Everyone is thrilled to have Katie join us,” a member of the church's choir told me. “She has not yet attended a service, but when she does she will be welcomed with open arms.”
The church, located on 16th Street between Fifth and Sixth Avenues, is known for inclusive thinking and its welcoming of many gay and lesbian Catholics. Its mission statement indicates that the Roman Catholic Church parish “strives to be a prophetic, welcoming community, inclusive witness to the presence of Christ Jesus in our midst.” Its website proclaims that it is a respectful community, “where seekers and their questions are welcomed, where injustice is challenged, where the poor, the alienated and marginalized find a home, and where people are refreshed, reconciled and renewed.”
You might be thinking, "Oh well, at least the Catholic Church won't stalk and threaten a bitch if she wants to leave." But have you ever told your Catholic abuelita that you don't want to go to Sunday mass? Scientologists ain't got shit on a Catholic abuelita.
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LOL!!! Katie is a slick bitch!!! I would have done the same shit, its too funny she had burn cell phones. Was it that bad?
I don't think she's a golddigger, she just got involved in something that was way above her grade level.Xenu is well above all of our grade levels. She probably stayed with the original pre-nup just to have less to argue about and focus on getting her child out. Seriously no one would have given Tom full custody of that little girl.
Submitted by literarylioness on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 11:11pm.
I feel sorry for the next Mrs.Cruise (you know she is out there) because TC will be crazy!
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I don't as any woman who gets involved with this level of crazy deserves what they get. It's impossible not to be fully aware any more.
Submitted by tornadolie on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 2:56pm.
am i the only one who feels like suri is going to grow up into paris hilton 2.0?
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i actually see her more of a kurt Cobain's type of child. The way she clings and buries her face into her mother's shoulder or hides away beneath untamed hair of rebellion whilst giving the paparazzi a stink of the eye to the lengths of only the insanity of her father,. one can only really hope she doesn't end up grudge fucking every last member of the foo fighters.
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Don't make me quote Nabokov at you. I'll do it. I promise.
Somebody has probably already said this, but it is a real relief to see Suri with her Grandma! I'm not sure we have even seen that!
I feel sorry for the next Mrs.Cruise (you know she is out there) because TC will be crazy!
Those are the legs you get from carrying a 110-lb. pre-teen all over Manhattan.
Gymkhana Five, Ultimate Urban Playground: San Francisco
Submitted by stefystef on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 3:42pm.
I can't WAIT to see Suri in her First Communion Dress.
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ahahahahahaha, me too! I hope Katie pins the most ginormious mantilla veil on Suri's head the parish has ever seen.
Something like this would be perfect:
http://www.lands-faraway.com/shawls_mantilla.htm
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If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. - MK
I'm sure that Nicole lent more than an ear to Katie. She probably helped her.
I cannot believe people are still down on Nicole. Hasn't she been through enough? She filed for sole physical custody of her kids and fought and fought, but yes, she did lose as the kids were already brainwashed.
Katie is also lucky to have her Dad. He was gathering information and planning for this for a long time, apparently. Nicole was isolated.
Submitted by TANGELINE on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 5:05pm.
iF THIS WEREN'T TOM CRUISE and his Scientology affiliation - You all would have been calling KATIE a Golddigging Whore!
Exactly what she is..
I think this girl went into that Marriage knowing what she was getting into and had a plan to leave him but she never expected it to be difficult.
Before Tom and Katie got married she had to have know what was to come. Think about it, this Ho was pregnant 4 months after meeting Cruise and once in an interview she said she always wanted to be Mrs. Tom Cruise.
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Yes, that satanic cult is a big part of the support for Katie. She was smart enough to leave it.
If she's a gold digger ho, he's a sugar daddy john. He's about 17 years older than her.
Tommy Girl paid Katie for her youth, childbearing capabilities, beauty, willingness to put on a facade as straight couple even though Tom is gay, her time, put up with all the cult crap, etc All if THAT certainly isn't going to be free. She deserves to be paid for her time. Why would she give herself for free?
Suri: Mommy...why isn't Daddy going with us to church.
Katie-bot: Oh Suri...you know Daddy has his head up Miscaviges ass so far he can see that mans teeth.
I like her stealth moves but not that look. Those shoes are ugly and not an indicator of any particular fashion or style sense (especially with those unfortunate legs).
Props for sticking it to Cruise and Co$.
http://bellatirx.tumblr.com/post/26952940868
this picture was taken Nicole after finalizing the divorce with Tom. She looks relieved and happy.
If this stuff is even half-true, it proves what a complete psychotic, ego-driven control-maniac Tom Cruise really is. Having to sneak a throw-away phone even when you're husband is half-way around the world? That's insane. BUT, doesn't it seem odd that so much information is being "leaked" when TC and Katie are supposedly so private?
She had to be careful because she was going to expose to the world that TC is NOT Suri's bio-father and the Sciontologee people were going to come for her. That's why she got her quickie hush-hush divorce and custody agreement. (Call me Sherlock)
"When I'm good I'm very good but when I'm bad I'm better." ~Mae West
iF THIS WEREN'T TOM CRUISE and his Scientology affiliation - You all would have been calling KATIE a Golddigging Whore!
Exactly what she is..
I think this girl went into that Marriage knowing what she was getting into and had a plan to leave him but she never expected it to be difficult.
She was a 26 year old adult woman who knew about Tom Cruise's involvement in Scientology. Why all the Poor Katie BS.
Mimie Rogers may have left TOM, but she intoduced him to Scientology.
Tom left Nicole Kidman.
Before Tom and Katie got married she had to have know what was to come. Think about it, this Ho was pregnant 4 months after meeting Cruise and once in an interview she said she always wanted to be Mrs. Tom Cruise.
Anyway, the Next Trick to be GF or MRS> CRUISE will still get your "Poor her" tears..
Yay! Good girl, Katie. I think this divorse is a totally happy occasion. It may be an unpopular oppinion, but I liked Katie, pre-Tom. I thought she was good in Wonderboys and Go.
She has the ugliest legs in Hollywood.
Katie did think ahead,good, f'em girl! (and get some new clothes)
why do they have those simple a smiles all the time? i think there's still some leftover Xenu.
(my dad still makes the sign of the cross when he passes a Catholic church, reverence or fear?;> )
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"5 mile an hour with aluminum side"
Submitted by noshitsherlock on Sun, 07/08/2012 - 1:05am.
"Sorry everyone. I'll get back to lurking and you all continue to be awesome :)"
HAHA! MK's gramma stalks and threatens him if he doesn't go to Sunday mass.
Enough of these two boring bitches. Where's Shiloh?
"No matter how cynical you become, it's impossible to keep up." - Lily Tomlin
Good for katie, it pays to have a lawyer in the family :)
I for one don't think she understood the depths of crazy this "church" was, and how insane tc is.
I watched him in an interview the other night (it was a repeat) and even KNOWING what I know now, he came across as really charming..still!
I'm a bagillion years older than her, and not till the whole couch jumping thing did I really start looking around, and now here on the D with all your links I've discovered more.
5 years ago, I could have had a convo with him and not blinked an eye...today of course I'd point and laugh.
Point being, I'm sure he set out to charm her, and she was uneducated about him/church, and of course you all know the whole "but you're different than any other woman I've met" schtick, and she fell hook line and sinker.
Thankfully, her parents didn't let get too dam stupid.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
I'm not familiar with St. Francis Xavier, but I said in posts before that I can't WAIT to see Suri in her First Communion Dress.
I wonder if Daddy will come and share that time with her.
Katie's going back to her roots. Back to her faith and back to her family. Tom = Epic Fail!
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Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!- Michael K, 1/26/12
Submitted by BoredSlore on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 12:59pm.
I see no evidence whatsoever of Katie being a calculated ho when she entered this marriage or 'knowing what she was getting into.'
I see only a dumb, starstruck, naive, barely-adult who fell head over heels in love. I bet she's humiliated as FUCK right now as to how stupid she's been (when the whole world was watching the whole trainwreck), how much time she has wasted, and most importantly, all the shit her daughter is going to have to deal with the rest of her life with her cray cray dad. I bet she's most upset and sad about that. I think both her AND Suri need counseling.
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Sorry but I COMPLETELY DISAGREE with this. The woman (not girl) had been in the industry for more than a decade. She wasn't some wide-eyed little girl who just got off the bus from Kansas.
The minute she hooked up with him, she dropped her friends, her family, her religion and allowed these crazy fuckers to control her life. I never have any respect for women who drop their entire life just for a guy and Holmes took this to the most extreme level. What the fuck kind of feminist message is that? Not to mention the way Cruise cut Kidman out of her own children's life would have sent any woman with a brain running for the hills.
People on this site and many others always claimed Holmes either had a 5 or 10 year contract and conveniently right after the 5 year mark this shit is over, per contract. Having the kid was probably per contract too. She spent more than 5 years bearding a gay guy in and in return she got what, $50 million in cash and another $35 million in real estate? How was Holmes' time wasted making $15-20 million a year bearding a wack job?
The only thing Holmes took control of was her exit strategy and I'll give her props for that. But she's not some feminist heroine that we should all bow down to now. She prostituted herself for fame and fortune in the sickest way possible. Although I guess when you're not actually having with sex with the guy, it may not be defined as actual prostitution.
Whatever you call it, she engaged in a MAJOR FRAUD and is now pretending like she had no idea what she was getting into. Tom was at his fucking craziest when they started dating (couch jumping, Brooke Shields feud). She had plenty of time to wake up and make a run for it.
Just because you hate Scientology doesn't mean Holmes is someone to now be admired. Admire her father since he's probably the one who came up with the entire bad ass exit strategy. Holmes has already proven she can't really think for herself.
Mel-tang,
My ex MIL told me the same thing, my son would go to hell. She's Baptist. I used to let her take him to her church some Sunday's. I found out she had him secretly baptized. He doesn't remember.
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 12:16pm.
ditquoi, ewe: I agree, she made a big mistake taking that job. But I can't hate on her for leaving it.
Yeah. What people don't understand is that Co$ is very insidious. At first they act like friendly helpful people with only your best interests at heart, but farther down the line the ugly truth is revealed. This is what I think happened to Holmes - the contract with Cruise probably seemed like a great idea at the time, but she didn't read the fine print written in invisible blood.
I know this because family members were involved in one of Scientology's education facilities. Everything seemed fine at first - the kid was learning and everyone at the facility was extremely caring and helpful. But then the hammer came down, and my relative took the kid out of the facility ASAP when the child was discovered isolated in a room writing "L. Ron Hubbard" over and over again on several pieces of paper.
It's all very well to help communities with tutoring and adult education, but don't use it as a front for prosletizing and indoctrination, especially when you pretend it's for completely "secular" education.
am i the only one who feels like suri is going to grow up into paris hilton 2.0?
My organized religion- hating ass has a Catholic Babcia (Polish grandma). I love her to pieces and would NEVER have told her no regarding anything related to church as a child.
My parents, on the other hand, annoyed the shit out of me when they would either interrupt my beauty sleep or my precious Three Stooges or Godzilla marathons to go to mass. When I turned 12 I refused to go anymore, and I think they were secretly relieved because it meant no more early Sunday morning battles. When I had my kids, My Mom told me that if anything ever happened to them, they would go to hell because I didn't have them baptized. Yeah, I didn't talk to to her for some time after that one. I still love them though.
Fun fact: After a wonderful afternoon of $cientology bashing, I took the mini Mel-Tangs out for some chik-fil-a. The car in front of us had a license plate from Florida, and around it were two tags that said Clearwater Toyota and I <3 Clearwater. On the other side was a big letter S sticker. The windows were all tinted and it looked really shady. I swore it was a $cientologist. Lmao. And they had a huge order. I guess they need something to get the taste of barley water out of their mouth!
www.poopreport.com :)
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RIMADYL KILLS
Is it me, or does she suddenly look tons cuter in this photo? And why is Suri wearing a nightgown?
nicole kidman is too busy looking after sunday roast than lend katie an ear.
I agree with Michael K. about the Catholic granny shit, I have one too and Lord Have Mercy if you fuck with her, but I still love her to death.:)
How exactly does any of this divorce thing work with $cientologists? I'm assuming Katie will now be one of those Suppressive Person people and shouldn't Tommy Girl have to do their cult disconnect thing?
How does that work with a kid involved? If he's so true to his bullshit cult shouldn't he be cutting all ties with Suri too?
I seriously doubt Nicole Kidman said two words to Katie Holmes unless they were, "fuck" and "you" after Holmes gushed in numerous interviews how Isabella and Connor called her "mom". Yeah, right.
Also, it was strongly implied that Crusader Katie was going to "fight" for Suri unlike Kidman. The truth is, I don't think Kidman ever gave up or turned over those kids. I think they were turned against her.
Frankly, if I were Kidman, I would want nothing to do with this fuckery.
Submitted by fleawatch on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 1:52pm.
If you look hard enough, you can see Jeezez in Katie's left knee!
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Or maybe one of the characters from the series of "Goofy" movies.
http://moviespics.wcgame.ru/data/2011-07-24/a-goofy-movie-powerline.jpg
I don't think Nicole Kidman was lazy, she fought in the beginning. If those kids were brain-washed well, they might've said they wanted to stay with TC if she gave the CO$ religion the boot and they were knee-deep in it.
jerseygirl,
Hmmmm, I was only thinking of the number being recorded but the voices too.
Katiebot 1 EvilShoe 0
Submitted by thebridge on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 1:47pm.
If one good thing came out of this marriage it's Suri.I think she is so beautiful and Tom and Katie should be proud they made such a beauty.
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Spot the $cieno troll!
If you look hard enough, you can see Jeezez in Katie's left knee!
Dear God, that woman has got some thick legs. It doesn't help that she's pigeon toed/knobby kneed on top of it.
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"Sometimes I get so flushed. Do your palms ever itch?"
"Admiration is for poets and dairy cows."--Ben Horne
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When I was a chirrun' in the great City of New york, flip flops were called "Chinese Slippers."
What would that make them called today "FRIP FROPS" ?
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 1:24pm.
Anyway as you say we'll agree (I'm right) to disagree (you're wrong) so what the heck...lol!!! Bwahaaaa:P
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Bwahaha, that made me spit out wine on my broke ass puter. Yay for 'fuck it insurance' - I get a new one regardless of what I do to it, so no complaints here.
But yeah, we do agree that she looks shit - we just don't agree on why...
If one good thing came out of this marriage it's Suri.I think she is so beautiful and Tom and Katie should be proud they made such a beauty.
Doobies and Boobies--Brandon Brown
Suri can levitate! She is Damian 2.0 (thumb 4)
Submitted by Athina on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 11:55am.
I hope Katie knows the rest of Suri's childhood will be filled with court hearings, custody hearings, motions, modifications, attorneys and court rooms. That's IF Katie does the right thing and fights for her kid. She just might be a lazy ass bitch like Nicole Kidman and let Scinetology have them.
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Don't be down on Nicole. If you had to deal with those unwanted runts (especially the fat mong one) knowing that they were bought and paid for by Co$ for the express purpose of making Tommy Girl look "normal", you'd let them have 'em too. If I was her I would've "returned to sender" without paying the postage.
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 12:59pm.
Katie's mom looks smug as fuck.
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Don't you mean glib as fuck? ;)
Submitted by jerseygirl17 :
Yes, but I think they're implying that her phone lines (that he knew about) were monitored. So Sci employees could have heard the whole 3-way conversation. But if someone bought her a disposable phone, she wouldn't have to worry about phone-tapping.
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Agreed. If I were her, I'd remove any little suitcase or bag and toys Suri had with her when she has visitation with Tom. He's likely to have that stuff bugged as well!
Submitted by yepyepyep :
Well catholics could be extremely religous aka my fam (they freaking pray as a fam everynight, faint with spirit, even as far as speak in languages crEeepy)
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That sounds more like a blend of Southern Baptists and Pentecostals, respectively, not like any Catholic mass I've EVER attended.
Fuck you Whamo, not listening.
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 1:24pm.
............Anyway as you say we'll agree (I'm right) to disagree (you're wrong) so what the heck...
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BEST. DICK. COMMENT. EVER
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ALWAYS check the setting on the blowtorch!
Submitted by M.E. on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 1:21pm.
I think Suri is the female Damien
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Indeed, she needs to be flanked by 5 - 6 Doberman Pinscher to complete the look.
And this playing full blast...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OAFCiEFX6ag&feature=related
Seriously, this still creeps the shit out of me!
Submitted by ewe on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 12:45pm.
Submitted by Whamo on Wed, 07/11/2012 - 12:41pm.
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Gotta disagree lol! When has Katie NOT looked fucked up and miserable? From day one she looked like shit and there have been hundreds of pictures of Katie looking absolutely drained for years now. All those pictures came with comments like "what's wrong with Katie". She never ever looked happy
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And yet my google images shows me plenty of her I smiling and laughing.
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OK perhaps I exaggerated a LITTLE bit lol! The point is we saw lots of pictures of her looking drained, I mean that's where the whole barley water joke here on the D came from. She's looked like shit so many times people are trying to figure WTF is going on with her. Anyway as you say we'll agree (I'm right) to disagree (you're wrong) so what the heck...lol!!! Bwahaaaa:P