The World Is Getting Another Lohan
Dear God, it's us, humanity, and we're finally ready for that apocalypse we've been promised.
The Rosemary's Baby theme loudly played in a doctor's office recently when an ultrasound scan picked up the terrifying image of an orange fetus in a mesh shirt. The ultrasound tech dropped the probe, ran to the nearest church and dipped their eyeballs in holy water to erase a picture that was more horrific than four horsemen farting out swarms of locusts while reading a newspaper with the headline: LINDSAY LOHAN WINS OSCAR (aka the true sign of the end, to be honest).
TMZ says that noted vagina-kicker Michael Lohan is procreating with Kate Major! In possibly related news, the unemployment rate just dropped 1%, because CPS has hired thousands of new agents to work in a new office right next to Kate Major's apartment.
Somehow between jumping into trees to escape the police and drunkenly beating on Kate, Michael Lohan found the time to fertilize her lady parts with the evil seed of Lohan. TMZ's sources say that Kate is in her first trimester and the act of her getting bareback dicked by Michael Lohan was illegal in more ways than one, because she had a restraining order out against him at the time of conception. The restraining order was lifted a few weeks ago, but I have a feeling that both Michael and Kate will get hit with another restraining order filed by their unborn fetus on behalf of EVERYONE.
Why? Why? Why did this happen? Why did our government do us wrong by not secretly spiking Michael Lohan's Axe dick lube with spermicide? Those two piece of trash fame whores might as well name their kid Poor Child, because that's what everyone's going to call it. And Lindsay Lohan better pick up a few more shifts at the escort agency, because she's got a new pair of nostrils to feed.
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With all the chemicals these two hos ingest, I hope the poor baby doesn't turn out to be a pinhead.
CPS alert! Schedule that pick up time now.
This is going to be one very ugly child. They should forget about setting up a college plan....hahahaha....set up a psychotherapy/plastic surgery fund instead.
additionally....will she go off her bipolar medication during the pregnancy? if so...there should be a lot of hijinks to come with these two. The courts better start clearing their schedules!
The law-breaking, rotten apple doesn't fall far from the tree. We see were BloHan gets her disregard for the law and common decency.
That poor fetus is fucked with these parasites as parents.
Like Mike Lohan can go over 6 months without beating the snot and fetus out of her, and even if he doesn't get rid of that way, it will be born in a stew of vodka with a tale and swim into the ocean. The peoples of the world will still be safe. He needs his probation violated though. The Lohan's don't believe rules or laws apply to them. Oh, right they don't apparently. Be free in the sea little mutant finned child, swim freeeeeee! Away from the crazy.
Lilo coke binge starts...... NOW!
I thought both of these twat faces had restraining orders against each other...maybe they cancel each other out.
I guess I am not adding anything novel to our conversation here folks, but, yeah....WTF? THIS is what the morning after pill is for. Why don't any of these dumb women use the morning after pill?
I hate everything and everyone now.
This woman cannot stop drinking! Three words come to mind: Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Very sad.
Speechless. Two "I failed 'Stalking 101' and 'Thinking 100'" with perpetual duh face, who like to climb out of windows and fall haphazardly onto trees while drinking at 10 in the morning after pounding on walls and fighting on the street, procreating. Of all the fking people in the world. Really astounded.
THE MAYANS "RESTART THE CLOCK" ON THEIR FKED UP CALENDAR WITH FKED UP FREAKY FACES, WHATEVER THOSE SYMBOLS MEAN, WHILE WE ALL WAIT FOR SOME PROFOUND MEANING, AND THEN THIS SHIT. AND THEY GIVE US NO HEADS UP. fking ugh.
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"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." C.Hitchens,1949-2011. (RIP MCA, "no sleep til Brooklyn") *caprica six was/is here*
i just cant. i have no words. im just going to step outside and start screaming WHYYYYYY for the next 40 minutes.
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"It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists." MK
Couldn't have happened to two more miserable scumbags.
Isn't she the one that claimed to be fucking Jon Gosselin right after his divorce and even HE was like "Um, oh no you di-int!" and said she is a fucking liar?
Good Job Lohan, may even be WORSE than White Oprah.
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"I'll rip your tongue out of your mouth...and lick my balls with it!"
This is without a doubt the saddest news I've heard all day. I'd rather be one of the kids in Octomom's brood than to be this child. Sad, sad, sad. I hope Kate cleans up.
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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Geez, now White Oprah has to top his latest stunt. Hopefully she's been through menopause, or we might be up to our necks in Lohans!
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“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.”
― Dr. Seuss
CPS and the futures state's judicial system that this unfortunate spawn ends up in, better get ready..cause these two trainwrecks need tube tying and vasectomy's stat....my condolences to the fetus....maybe he/she will get lucky and get adopted....come on CPS,show up in the delivery room and give this kid a chance!!!
Submitted by Feral
Either parent have a job, income to support a child, medical insurance?
Details, details!
But, for real, what do they actually do to earn money? Can you list "POS Famewhore" as an occupation on your tax return? Oh, wait ...
jennifer love hewitt is thinking, "what am i doing wrong??? for fuck sakes!!"
There oughta be a law.
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"Physical violence is the least of my priorities." - Drunken Albertan
Some idiot female let him dig in her raw? Ewwwww.
I wonder how much child support this chick will get considering that he doesn't actually have a job.
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He kinda reminds me of Ron Jeremy, but...not as classy! - Submitted by david Letterman
Besides, it's just marriage! Who in the hell takes that shit seriously? - Michael K
1. Old people shouldn't procreate.
2. Assholes who suck at parenting shouldn't procreate.
Michael Lohan is both of these. Please sterilize and/or euthanize.
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
Why? Why??? WHY????!!!!
The hubs and I have been discussing kids (sometimes the discussion is pretty heated), but have agreed, for now, to hold off due to financial reasons. Then these fuckers - who have no money, let alone one goddamn brain cell between the two of them - decide to have a baby. Because everyone knows that having a baby will smooth over your: (a) alcohol/drug abuse, (b) domestic abuse, (c) mental issues, and (d) financial issues.
Idiocracy was a fucking documentary, apparently.
CPS should be in the delivery room.
Submitted by ditquoi on Mon, 07/16/2012 - 2:00pm.
she's got eyes like a Doonesbury cartoon. 8-P
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AAAHAAHAHAHAAHA!
I thought that was Chestica at first.
The planet stopped spinning for a second.
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Success is a great deodorant ~ Liz
Oh for fuck's sake. On what planet does a trick let *this* idiot fuck her without wrapping it up with every condom in the box first? GAG.
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"A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."
- Macbeth, William Shakespeare
What is this fucking douchebag for all ages gonna name this one? Pestilence? Death? War?
NO JUST NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
This might be the worst story I've ever read on here.
Why any woman would let him put his weasel anywhere near them is beyond me. Now she'll have to buy little mesh shirts and wallet chains.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Submitted by Few Words on Mon, 07/16/2012 - 1:09pm.
whats her address so i can mail 'em a coat hanger.
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That is some "If these walls could talk" shit right there.
*golf claps*
she's got eyes like a Doonesbury cartoon. 8-P
Submitted by Stoney on Mon, 07/16/2012 - 1:37pm.
This bitch is a selfish fucking psycotic cuntbag cumdumpster. Way to consider anything or anyone else besides your fucked up need for celebrity dick and attention. Please fall down the fucking stairs and put that doomed kid out of his misery.
I ♥ IT. i will push her.
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Bat..shit..crazies!!!
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"Submitted by suckandfuck on Fri, 04/16/2010 - 5:46pm.
I would slaughter a thousand babies for an hour alone with Mike Rowe."
I hope he doesn't drunk beat the fetus.
I don't know what's worse, another Lohan in the world or the fact that Michael Lohan nutted in some trick.
i mean, just writing the last part of the sentence brought images of Michael Lohan's O face when he jizzed in her...grosss... that is why my Raven Simone "thats soo raven" powers are a curse.
Why the hell is he not in jail? Usually they don't take kindly for trying to escape custody.
Oh, and she's just fucked up. I know women can't always leave abusive relationships, but she had already escaped. Why let him back in? What a shitty mess these two are.
For the kid's sake, I hope Kate doesn't make it full-term. Find another womb little one.
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"Is it weird in here, or is it just me?" Steven Wright
This bitch is a selfish fucking psycotic cuntbag cumdumpster. Way to consider anything or anyone else besides your fucked up need for celebrity dick and attention. Please fall down the fucking stairs and put that doomed kid out of his misery.
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"Let s/he who is without sin, cast the first Stoney."
Submitted by soapopera4cam: "...is it just me or either time is non-existent, or these people should just die already?"
These people should just die already.
is she the one he threatened to kill and then when she called the cops he thought he was superman and jumped off a second storey building and broke his collar bone and arm??
Kate Majorlyastupidho deserves what she's getting, in every sense of the word.
Submitted by Ms. Lizard on Mon, 07/16/2012 - 1:10pm.
The best we can hope for is that the baby is taken away and raised by functional people that will give him/her a loving home.
KID GOT A BETTER CHANCE W/ WOLVES
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♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
didn't she JUST file a restraining order against him?
Didn't he JUST publish photos of her saggy side boobs?
is it just me or either time is non-existent, or these people should just die already?
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http://tinyurl.com/69rcrqy
Jerseygirl: that is the truth. Someone up there has a sick sense of humor. So many good people can't and these brainless criminals get a baby without even trying.
The best we can hope for is that the baby is taken away and raised by functional people that will give him/her a loving home.
whats her address so i can mail 'em a coat hanger.
☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺☺
♦ When all else fails, they call me.
♦ Life sucks. Shit Happens. I'm a student of t-shirts.
Judging by the pics TMZ has, she's clearly 4+ months along. Wasn't she just jailed recently for drunky shit?
This baby will have FAS as well as Lohan DNA = no hope whatsoever.
Kate Major is an absolute moron. If there ever was a case for government-mandated sterilization for whack jobs, they are the perfect example. So let's see, you are in fear of your life because he's an abusive lunatic, so yeah, let's bring an innocent baby into the picture. These two assholes need to seriously fuck off and die.
I don't buy that either of these two fools are on the wagon.
Lol damn, Get Serious,I just read the comments, looks like we are sharing a brain today. Carry on.
These faces should be on the poster for mandatory licenses to reproduce. Issued only after thorough mental evaluation.
She must be as crazy as him. Why on earth would you let him stick his unfiltered jailbird peen inside your body? Women can be so damn stupid sometimes...