Here Comes The “Kristen Stewart Got Some Titty Sacks Installed” Rumor

“You give me the sads, micro titties” is apparently what Kristen Stewart said to her chest right before a plastic surgeon shoved a pair of Ziploc bags full of titty gel up in there. That’s what Star (via Hollywood Life) is saying anyway. The highest-paid lip biter in Hollywood (“That line gives me the sads.” – all of us) showed up to Comic-Con in San Diego with her chichis looking as swole as my nerves when I watch her try to act. Star asked plastic surgeons Dr. Matthew Schulman and Dr. Anthony Youn to put up their magnifying glasses to the pictures of KSTew’s Twititties and they both declared that her chichis grew with some help from silicone:

“Her breasts have gone from what looked like a large A cup to a large B cup,” New York City-based plastic surgeon Dr. Matthew Schulman says.

“While this might be the result of a new, state-of-the-art bra, it’s most likely the result of a breast augmentation,” adds Michigan-based plastic surgeon Dr. Anthony Youn.

The best quote comes from one of KStew’s “friends” who said this: “Her small chest has been a source of unhappiness for Kristen. But now she doesn’t feel the need to hide anymore. She finally has the body she’s always wanted.”

So that’s the real reason why KStew always looks like someone ate asparagus before pissing into her favorite water bong. Here I was thinking that KStew’s emotions were permanently set to Emo, because she’s just naturally a miserable bitch. But nope, her small titties made her sad. Makes sense.

Please. KStew is the last bitch who’d get her titties done and she’s probably the last person who would put on a push-up bra. Thinking of KStew slipping on a push-up bra is like seeing your butch lesbian P.E. teacher wearing a pencil skirt on teacher-parent conference day. It’s unnatural on all levels. So there’s only one explanation for why KStew’s chichis look slightly plumper than usual. The marketing team for Twatlight decided that the ultimate stunt to really sell the last movie would be to knock KStew up with sparkle sperm! Congratulations, I hope they name the kid JuLare after their moms.