What The Hell Else Are You Supposed To Do In A Porn Theater?
Fred Willard, who was in almost every Christopher Guest movie, joined Pee-wee Herman in The Cops Gave Me Blue Balls Club last night when he was arrested for jacking his 72-year-old dick to straight porn at the Tiki Theater in Hollywood. Yes, porn theaters still exist even though almost everyone has a personal porn theater in the privacy of their home called the motherfucking Internet. And yes, the cops are still arresting people for doing exactly what you're supposed to do in a porn theater. This is the world we live in and it ain't right.
TMZ says that at around 8:45 last night, Fred, who's about to start shooting a movie called The Yank (research?), had his peen out and was fapping his way to a bust when the cops busted him for lewd conduct. No word if the cops did the right thing by turning around to let him finish, because nothing is worse than trying to smile in a mug shot glamour shoot after your ole' man jizz party has been cut short. Fred was arrested, taken in and released a quick minute later.
Don't the cops have better things to do than handcuff an old man's fappin' hand for partaking in a little old-fashioned jerking off in a porn theater? If it's that slow, they should just follow Lindsay Lohan around, because I'm sure she committed at least a dozen crimes in the time it took for Fred to give his vintage man sausage some hand love.
Since the cops are still busting bitches in porn theaters, where were they when I went to the Tomkat Theater in L.A. (Side note: I only went there out of curiosity. OKAY? Is it even still there? The stank from that night is still trapped to the walls of my nostrils.) and made the lethal mistake of going to the bathroom upstairs. There in the bathroom was a naked old bitch jacking it while sitting on the toilet. And yes, my falling nostril hairs told me that he was doing exactly what I thought he was doing on that toilet. Where were the cops then, because that was some illegal shit. Pun very much intended.
Fred is 72 years old and I say if he wants to fap in a musky porn theater, let him fap in a musky porn theater. Instead of arresting him, we should all give him a hand (not like that).
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Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 1:32pm.
Submitted by Gem on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 1:15pm.
Oh, no, I LOVE Fred Willard! Most of you are too young to remember the show "Fernwood Tonight", I always thought it was hilarious and he was so good in that....
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HUGE fan of Fernwood Tonight. Best show ever!
I don't get in this day and age why someone wouldn't want to watch porn and whip it out from the privacy of their own home?
Makes me think it is more likely that they are hoping someone in the theatre will get it on with them?
Porn theatres: It's a fap!
B!i!i!iD~
For your health.
Oh no! Not Fred...I was wondering where he was. My kid watches wall-e. He plays the president in that movie. How sad...
I can't help but picture Eugene Levy coming to the police station to pick up Fred and the long uncomfortable pause on the drive home.
"So...how about those Angels..."
Poor Fred. What's next? Are they going to arrest Eugene Levy for jaywalking?
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"I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!" George Carlin
His enjoyable performance as an unsophisticated announcer in the show didn't strike me as uncompatible with this is the least. Also, got one of my favorite one-liners from that show, about the butch character played by sue sylvester: "She looks like she works as a bartender on an oil rig"
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Submitted by Juniperjump on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 12:16pm.
Oh Fred.... what the fuck? I mean - yeah, everyone does it. But a porn theatre??? And fapping? Now, whenever I watch your sublime performance in Best in Show I'm going to be thinking about you fapping.
Submitted by Zorbitor on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 12:19pm.
IT WON'T STAND UP IN COURT
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ba dum dum tsshh!
Did he perhaps do it during the children's matinee?
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Who are you calling silly cow?
Submitted by MissAnnThrope on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 1:19pm.
Dare I disagree? I don't know why porn theatres exist if the city police department thinks patrons will sit through a movie and not whip it out.
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I'm with you...it's not like they'll sit there, watch the flick, get blue balls, and go home to fap. I thought they all went there to fap. They're certainly not going there for the suspenseful and captivating plots in those movies. Either don't have them at all, or expect people to do it. If he was being all nasty about it, like standing up, or showing it off to other people, or aiming at them, then yeah, haul his ass off. If he's just sitting there, in the dark, yanking his crank, leave him be. Have tissues and lotion at the concession stand, and big trash cans.
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"Once you go cat, you'll never go back"- Mrs.Kravitz on August 19, 2008
"We wanted diamonds, sherbet, or a squirrel with a gun."-Izzard
♥♥ If you don't talk to your cat about catnip, who will? ♥♥
Every fucking one of you CuntSlores is making me laugh til I cry!!!
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ALWAYS check the setting on the blowtorch!
Omg vomit.
Fappy time theaters are only good for one thing...they cut down on the amount of crunchy socks found at home.
*Vomits again*
www.poopreport.com :)
<3-------------------------------<3
RIMADYL KILLS
whomever arrested the national treasure that is Fred Willard should be summarily thrown off the LAPD. but then again, 90% of the LAPD should be thrown off the LAPD so nothing to see here.
/also old enough to remember Fernwood Tonite -- what ever happened to the lead actress (Louise ???). i vaguely remember she was supposed to be great, but Willard, Mull, Mary Kay Place had more successful careers)
// ok now, wipe it off and put it away, Whamo ;-)
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by Gem on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 1:15pm.
Oh, no, I LOVE Fred Willard! Most of you are too young to remember the show "Fernwood Tonight", I always thought it was hilarious and he was so good in that....
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Yes with Martin Mull, I was pretty little but my older brother was really into it.
Also, why would police care if people are whacking off inside a porn theater? Who is there would be offended? Who is being hurt or traumatized. Note to city officials: you can't have it both ways. If you let theaters like this exist, you need to let people do what they're gonna do... So hypocritical IMO
The fuck is wrong with people? Don't they understand that you can have a hamburger at home but every once in a while you wanna go out and eat one? Same thing.
I remember in my young pervy days I slipped into an old musty run down porn theater to catch a movie and see what the fuss was all about. After watching the mustaches, side burns and bushes (top and bottom) and the bow chikka wow wow music, I went to the bathroom to take a leak.
There were three guys in there, two white and one black dude. One left as soon as I walked in, the other white guy was washing his hands. I did my business, didn't wash my hands cuz the old guy creeped me out.
He kept looking in the corner where the black dude was. Dude spun around with the longest, shiniest, blackest dick I'd ever seen. I swear you could hang laundry on that thing.
I got the fuck outta there. Never went in porn theater restrooms again Itellyawhat.
Dare I disagree? I don't know why porn theatres exist if the city police department thinks patrons will sit through a movie and not whip it out. I mean why would you let a brothel exist then turn around and arrest people for screwing in said brothel? Let a drug den exist and arrest people for doing drugs--- but never shut these places down? This makes no sense. This 72 year old obviously is into voyeurism. It's the only reasonable excuse I can think of. If you don't want people doing illegal stuff inside places that sell illegal stuff then close them down. DUH.
Oh, no, I LOVE Fred Willard! Most of you are too young to remember the show "Fernwood Tonight", I always thought it was hilarious and he was so good in that....
I say if the fucker can still whack it at 72, he should be allowed to do it in public as an attraction...
Unfortunately, this gives me a little glimpse in to my future... *sigh*
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"It's no mystery that ass has always been tits' greatest enemy. It's almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass." ~ Kenny Powers
At least he isn't raping little boys like Sandusky, still love him...no hate just sympathy
Shame. Stupid. Now what Fred?!!!
Fred, that's what get for abusing yourself , you bloody wanker. Haha.....sorry ,I couldn't help myself.
I am going to pretend this did not happen.
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Oh, when I try to love
I can save the same man in the same bed, in the same city
But not in the same room, it's a pity
JuniperJump, that's it!! thank you!
i was wondering why he was familiar, but his character in Best in Show was exactly the kind of AssClown who would be fapping...dontcha think? he was such a wad.
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One martini; Two at the most
3 I'm under the table; Four I'm under the host.
Frankly, I thought this is exactly why such places exist.
www.petfinder.com - enter your zip code to find adoptable pets in your area.
www.animalrescuesite.com - click everyday to help feed animals in shelters.
Fuck the POlice! This peepaw needs to go to youjizz.com...it's FREE.
by the way, it's 2012 Fred Flintstone, you can open up your laptop and watch the kinkiest, most deviant porn and fap off a few layers of skin in the privacy of your own home, without fear of some Keystone Kop busting up your party.
although I bet fapping in public is part of the thrill. whatever floats your boat, pops *shrug*
It is as if California is preparing to fall off the edge of the continent. Nothing there makes sense even in a senseless world.
I don't like porn but I do like Fred Willard and Pee Wee Herman and accept that men do dat and so why only humiliate the few talented ones who get caught indulging in slutty boy behaviour???? Get Lohan!!!!
IT WON'T STAND UP IN COURT
Oh Fred.... what the fuck? I mean - yeah, everyone does it. But a porn theatre??? And fapping? Now, whenever I watch your sublime performance in Best in Show I'm going to be thinking about you fapping.
Its one thing if dude is doing it in the audience of Muppets On Ice, but in one of these wank palaces, the cops should listen to the advice of clapton (1974):
Let it grow, let it grow
let it blossom, let it flow
In the sun, the rain, the snow,
love is lovely let it grow
I would like a job patrolling porn theaters. I'd probably get fired though for never arresting anyone.
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"She's Black & I'm Gay--- we create culture."
Really? The cops need to find something more usefull to do. WTF do you expect to find in a porn theater? Nuns? JFC. Let the old bastard fap in peace.
Submitted by Whamo on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:16am.
To show my support for Fred I'm going to pull the goalie right here at my desk!
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"Pull the goalie"!? What an utterly perfect (and Canadian) euphemism! Love it!
I served Fred a drink at an event at the Field Museum in Chicago a few years back.
I doubt this will hurt his career. But geez, Fred!
"JUST SMILE LIKE A NORMAL FUCKED UP PERSON."
Charles Manson
This is why gossip columns exist, THIS is the shit.
after all this tediously BORING shit about kartrashians doing nothing and all the meticulously planted & trumped-up bogus nothings about holmes and cruise, etc., we FINALLY get a REAL scandalous celebrity news story.
this is one we can feel good about!
peewee's "sucks to be you" misadventure was only ew-worthy due to his having a children's show and shit.
fred fucking willard is 100% shoulder-patting bahahaha'able.
... but, seriously, in a porn theater? someone get the guy a computer.
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"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing."
~Edmund Burke
http://youtu.be/p0mHxtpoq2c
*peddles off in a mint '88 yugo*
Can't help but to find this as cute! In this day and age anyway!!
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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Oh for Christ sake, leave Fred alone, coppers. How nice to know that the LAPD are patrolling porn cinemas for wankers...*shocker*. This really pisses me off. Have they nothing more pertinent to attend to? Poor guy, I feel sorry for him. And a big piss off to the cop who decided to book him.
Submitted by Get Serious on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:35am.
Uh, Fred...
1) Ever heard of Pee Wee Herman? He was caught fapping in a porno theater, and his life was never the same; he lost his income & the project he loved most, Pee Wee's Playhouse...
2) What are you doing in a porno theater anyway? Order the stuff at home; you can get it through your cable company, for christ's sakes...
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Well, he's got an ancient wife; maybe he never gets any Me-Time (not to mention actual nookie)? Also, I suppose some people are turned on by fapping in company, so to speak.
Uhh....two things:
1. Porn theaters still exist?
2. This is a crime? Really?
Uh, Fred...
1) Ever heard of Pee Wee Herman? He was caught fapping in a porno theater, and his life was never the same; he lost his income & the project he loved most, Pee Wee's Playhouse...
2) What are you doing in a porno theater anyway? Order the stuff at home; you can get it through your cable company, for christ's sakes...
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"Dammit, Pam, I've seen that, and now I can't unsee it. There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
Submitted by guest on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:30am.
random walk thru. *snort* they better hazmat their shoes afterward
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I'm sure their shoes sounded like this..
sqwssssshtt sqwsssshttsq sqwsssshtt sqwssshtt sqwssshtt sqwsssht
*writes down pornhub.com*
*whistles*
Well, I've got things to do people. Sooooo busy today. Can't stay here snarking forever.
*dashes off*
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Visit Anthony Higgins Performances on Facebook.
random walk thru. *snort* they better hazmat their shoes afterward.
Submitted by Nanners on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:21am.
Submitted by guest on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 11:10am.
So the cops are just waiting in there for somebody to well you know?! Or someone was offended & dialed 911?
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"Hello, 911? I was watching "Flaming Teen Beavers 9" at the Faptown Movie Theatre and there is a man... touching himself
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Flaming Teen Beavers 9 LOL !!!
uh I .um ...theoretically if a guy was going to, you know watch such a movies, ahh any.. umm.. idea where he might.. you know.. find such a.. movie?
Submitted by Anonymousfckr on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 10:30am.
do people still masturbate at 72 y.o? This I didn't know...
A greatuncle of mine was caught "touching himself" by a cousin while he recovered from surgery, watching porn. Great uncle was 85.
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Don't blame me! I voted for Kodos!
Lol Nanners!
As for which movie Fred was watching -- there are 3 flicks in rotation at the theater ... "Follow Me 2," a XXX parody of "The Client List," and "Step Dad No. 2."
-- Law enforcement sources tell TMZ ... the LAPD vice officers were not conducting a raid ... but rather a "random walk-through" of the premises.
We're told ... when theaters like this get their license, they have to allow cops in whenever they want ... to inspect.
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"That's what Jesus would do. Give you a blunt when you're down." MK
"I'm from the New Jersey where we say "AYY! FUCKA YOUA PIZZA PIE!!!" " Sucky
I love Fred Willard and it pisses me off that this dumbass thing happened, and I'm going to go about my life as if it hadn't.
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"End well: this isn't going to." - MK
So what is the big deal, he was in an Adult Theater not Chik-Fil-A.
Who called the po po to report some old man jacking it in a porn theater? I would have given him a verbal warning and let that be the end of it. Let's do a fundraiser to get Fred a desktop and a subscription to Vivid online, or whatever.
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Taking crazy things seriously is a serious waste of time."
— Haruki Murakami