About That 16-Year-Old Swimming Wonder….

Because I love a good dope controversy, I’m temporarily interrupting my highly important coverage of OctoMom’s financial situation to bring you this story you’ve probably already heard about since every Olympic-loving ho is talking about it. Monocles up, because there’s possible shadiness ahead.

16-year-old Ye Shiwen of China had gossiping whores whispering over the weekend after she not only won the gold in the 400-meter individual medley and beat the world record with a time of 4:28:43, but also out-swam Ryan Lochte in the final 50-meters. Ryan won the gold in that same event and did the final 50 meters in 29.10 seconds while Ye Shiwen did it in 28.93 seconds. Because of this and because Ye Shiwen came out of nowhere to beat the U.S. 400-meter champion Elizabeth Beisel, some are screaming: SOMETHING IN THE CHLORINE WATER IS DOOOOOOOOPED!

John Leonard, the executive director of the World Swimming Coaches Association, tells The Guardian that at the World Championship last year, Ye Shiwen swam the 400m 7 seconds slower than she did at the Olympics. John Leonard said with a whole of training, this is possible, but Ye Shiwen speed swimming in the last 100 meters like one of Lil’ Wayne jizz fishes on meth IS completely impossible.

“We want to be very careful about calling it doping. The one thing I will say is that history in our sport will tell you that every time we see something, and I will put quotation marks around this, ‘unbelievable’, history shows us that it turns out later on there was doping involved. That last 100m was reminiscent of some old East German swimmers, for people who have been around a while. It was reminiscent of 400m individual medley by a young Irish woman in Atlanta.

I have been around swimming for four-and-a-half decades now. If you have been around swimming you know when something has been done that just isn’t right. I have heard commentators saying ‘well she is 16, and at that age amazing things happen’. Well yes, but not that amazing. I am sorry.”

Ye Shiwen has never won a medal in the 400m in a major international competition before and many say she was the last swimmer they were expecting to win the gold in London.

Many athletes have been pre-tested before the games, but some hos think that maybe China came up with a new performance-enhancing drug that goes undetected during testing. Okay, if China did brew up that drug, can they please give that drug to Lindsay Lohan? Because all the drugs she takes turn her into a loser and it’d be nice for her to win at something for a change. Damn.

Maybe Ye Shiwen did dope her way to that win or maybe she just has it like that naturally. Nobody knows yet, but what we do know is that Ye Shiwen beating Ryan Lochte in the final 50 meters temporarily dimmed the douche sparkle on his ugly ass rhinestone American flag grill. That’s the only thing that matters right now.