Natalie Portman Didn't Have Cake At Her Wedding
The only answer to the question "Who in the hell doesn't serve cake at their wedding?" has sadly been answered. When Natalie Portman married that French dude who can tickle the air with his pointed feet, she had a strictly vegan menu, she wore an Italian toddler's communion dress circa 1964 and instead of delicious cake, she served French macarons. Some whores go to weddings to see two hos unite their love in front of God or whatever, but I only go to weddings for the cake (even if the cake is a sheet cake from Sam's Club) and for the open bar (even if the open bar is a plastic trash can full of ice bags and Coors).
People says that Natalie's reputation as a snobby leaf-humper of the highest degree remains intact, because she used local wildflowers instead of having flowers flown in and didn't serve anything that used to have a face on it to her 60 guests, which included Diane Sawyer, Mike Nichols, supposed heroin head Macaulay Culkin, Rashida Jones and Ivanka Trump. And again, she didn't serve CAAAAAAAAAKE!
I can eat a wooden bowl full of dehydrated baby's breath covered in kale foam as long as I know I'm getting some kind of delicious cake afterward. Yes, one can try to say that macarons are kind of like the French babies of CAKE, but it's still not CAKE. I wanna eat the mother! If Natalie Portman ever gets married again and you're invited to the wedding, make sure to call the local pizza place before the ceremony and tell them to meet you in the parking lot about 10 minutes into the reception. You'll be the one standing by the rented Dodge, holding the box of Little Debbie Zebra Cakes your ass bought at the nearest gas station.
When I first wrote about Natalie Portman's wedding, I was going to say that she probably each of her guests a baby tree as a parting gift. I was close, because she gave them a packet of wildflower seeds. WILDFLOWER SEEDS! That way each guest can plant those seeds in their backyard and every time they look at those flowers, they can think of how Natalie's cake-hating hippie ass drove them to suck down a log of Quarter Pounders smothered in Duncan Hines frosting at 3am in their hotel room. I mean, she didn't have CAKE! Illegal!
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Submitted by WithinReason... on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:51pm.
I still expect a gift, the register is at the Fair Trading Equal Profits Helping the Farmers Free Slaves Foundation for the Preservation of Endangered Pigeons shop.
they have a store at 5th avenue new york.
Foxxy - I don't like cake, or sweet things very much at all, but tres leches cake I will eat. And devour the entire piece.
A dry wedding? That is when you hide a bottle in your car and make frequent, sly trips to the parking lot.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:25pm.
"Tres Leches cake. I want some."
well thanks for my trip to the grocery store later. bitch.
;-)
OT: i go to weddings for the buttercream frosting and the booze. screw you Natalie
"Voodoo is forgetting who's the john and who's the whore." MK, 3/20/12
Submitted by Evil_Cupcake on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:42pm.
Oh, and I HATE weddings. What a waste of money and time. And these assholes who have million dollar blow outs piss me off even more with their written vows, their stupid fucking initials EVERYWHERE, and dumb ass ice luges! Then you get a fucking email a year and a half later that announces a divorce.
Vegas, and then round trip/open dated tickets to the Dominican Republic, since a divorce is probably inevitable.
I'm a cynic, I know. There are many happy dlisted couples, but as a whole being married or even living with someone unmarried is hell on earth.
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LOL, THIS! Weddings have become such a status symbol that the entire meaning is lost. I don't revel in anyone's misfortune, but when I hear of couples who divorce shortly after their bloated weddings, a part of me feels quite satisfied at the knowledge that I'm not wrong or bitter for finding the whole thing obnoxious.
You shouldn't have to take out a second mortgage to get married. Simple is best.
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"I have a very poor way of concealing my dislike of people and/or things." -- Evil_Cupcake's Mom
Submitted by loopygorilla on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:43pm.
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I'll be busy that day, whenever it is! <3
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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How the hell do you make vegan macarons? I'm sure she served nice food though, vegan food is great when someone has taken the care and expense to get it right.
Tonic, a dry wedding? No, thankfully I've never been to one! How was it? LOL
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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EC - OMG! It was the most relaxing week of my LIFE. I'm still drooling over the jerk chicken they served there. I have NEVER been able to find another jerk chicken that tastes even remotely as epic as theirs was.
Would be the right thing to give to me - I love seeds (and plants) - fuck lottery tickets.
There are always people who like this or hate that - so what?!
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Tomahawk,
That was really a Cat "Reeeaaaarr!" response.
You said it perfectly, "So what?" You like one thing I don't like. Why you have to be like that? I just tried to go with with the lowest common denominator. Not everyone likes Seeds, Bubbles, or Jordan Almonds, etc. But who doesn't like winning free money? Like I already said it may not have been the most sophisticated, but it was fun.
Diamond and Louise should have been there! HAaAAHAH Nightmare.
And sappling, on no!
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"CAUTION: Delusion ahead." MK
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DD - I was initially planning on having a traditional wedding in town, but then once I started scouting places and getting quotes on shit I said FUCK THAT. I'm not going to debt for $50K just for a GD wedding. And my mother was starting to become a nighmare suggesting shit SHE wanted and also suggesting I wear her wedding dress.
Um. no.
Vegas became the quick, easy and cheap decision rather quickly. Plus the entire thing has sentimental value to it.
We were already going to Vegas for my MIL's surprise 60th b-day. Everyone in the family except for her knew that 1. We were all going to Vegas for her 60th. 2. That BH and I were getting married that weekend. 3. My family was there also.
On the night of her 60th at dinner BH handed her an invitation to the wedding (the following day).
Great memories!
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:42pm.
This is where we stayed, it's up the beach from the nudie resort:
http://couples.com/swept-away/photos.php
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Looks nice M.E. I bet you had a great time.
watevs when i find my deadbeat k-fed ballet french husband and marry him, im gonna serve whipped foam organic spring soy on three strands of japanese seaweed with pure oxygen sauce.
Submitted by tomahawk on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:35pm.
Submitted by Pennyroyal on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:30pm.
I think most wedding favors are pretty crappy, but SEEDS? WTF?
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Would be the right thing to give to me - I love seeds (and plants) - fuck lottery tickets.
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That was kinda rude to say to Penny about "Fuck lottery tickets" as those are the favors she gave out.
You may not like the idea but you didn't have to be mean about it!
This is where we stayed, it's up the beach from the nudie resort:
http://couples.com/swept-away/photos.php
Submitted by Pennyroyal on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:38pm.
She sounds like the kind of "lady" I usually wind up dating LOL... I'm a sucker for the drunk, fun ones.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
I'm gonna need contact info for your mom... thank you in advance.
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Jack,
I actually got the same response from a few guys that day. LOL
M.E. - yes... Did I mention he is filthy rich? lol and it was THEIR pictures I saw, not brochures... wild times, fo sho!
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
The comments here prove that eloping is the only way to go...
Submitted by CindyBman on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:54pm.
However, no matter how die-hard whatever-you-are, you must consider your guests' preferences. What other party do you host where almost all of your guests will be spending money to drive or fly to get to your location and have to get a hotel room for a weekend? Your guests may even have to take time off work to be able to get to your wedding. That's a pretty big sacrifice -- only to be rewarded with tofu-chicken-nuggets-look-alikes and some coconut water? (BTW, I love coconuts and all little coconut products. I'm NOT dissing the coconut. Tofu, yes. Coconut, no.) :)
That is not what vegan food is. If you believe that eating animals is wrong, why should you alter your beliefs to appease others? No one bitches about it when it's a food restriction tied to a religion.
Oh, I loves my french macarons with a strong french press brew. But this is not what was awful about this wedding I'm sure. It was everything else.
I give these two 3.5 years. You know she has to prove her point and will try her hardest to do so. 'I didn't just get knocked up by sombody else's man while filming a movie , just weeks after getting fingered by married Sean Penn in an elevator at a film festival. Okay?'
Btw, she is currently the spokeswhore for Dior who tests chemicals on animals.
Their wedding sounds laaaaaaame. At my wedding, we didn't spent a ton of money on the flowers and opted for a DJ instead of a band to cut costs, but we went all out on really nice food and appetizers and an open bar throughout the night (and nice wines with dinner). That is the only perk for all your guests that you've dragged from all parts of the country to see your stupid wedding. They've spent money getting there, they've bought you gifts, they sat through your boring ceremony, the least you can do is reward them with the good shit at the reception.
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"Hooooooty who give an eff about Haiti?! I don't! BAM!" - MK as Taylor Momsen
Submitted by Pennyroyal on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:30pm.
I think most wedding favors are pretty crappy, but SEEDS? WTF?
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Would be the right thing to give to me - I love seeds (and plants) - fuck lottery tickets.
There are always people who like this or hate that - so what?!
When my boys were little they called fondant "cake leather".
"Let them all boil in their own hotdog juice." Deb 7/2012
Jacko - 2nd date was to the Caribbean nudie colony? WTF? Did she put out on the first date or something?
Of course in all the advertisments you see hot bodies! Like I said, we only got to see a glimpse.
At our resort women were topless everywhere, and they were not hot. My milk filled udders would have looked better melting in the sun.
Submitted by Pennyroyal on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:30pm.
I'm gonna need contact info for your mom... thank you in advance.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
Submitted by Whamo on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:20pm.
Submitted by CindyBman on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:54pm.
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If you're convinced that animals should be spared, it would hurt you to go after your "guests preferences" - so I wouldn't do it either. I rather have some people being mad at me than to regret having had dead animals on my wedding because other people wanted it.
It's a different thing when you're carnivor and think about having a salad or two for the vegetarians, but even that is out of question for most people.
I'm not as pissed as I sound, btw.
Fondant covered wedding cakes might as well be flushed down the toilet instead of eaten. Fondant is the work of the devil!
I recently went to a wedding where they gave everyone a pine tree sapling. I actually found it quite sweet. *shrugs shoulders*
But we did have cake. :-)
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:28pm.
Yup. He took her there a couple of years ago on their SECOND DATE!! No shit. They had been to dinner once, a few days later he called her up and asked if she wanted to go to Hedonism in Jamaica with him... been together ever since. The pictures I saw were all smokin hot bods...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
I think most wedding favors are pretty crappy, but SEEDS? WTF? I gave my guests lottery tickets in their placeholders. It may not have been the most sophisticated but it was still fun.
Also I wouldn't have spent as much as I did, because my mom got shitfaced and practically ruined the day for me. She flashed the groomsmen her bare ass while saying "Look no underwear!" I was so mortified. That was 5 years ago and I'm still flaming pissed at her antics.
The cake was incredible though: chocolate cake with chocolate ganache + chocolate-hazelnut (aka nutella) fillings and a white choclate icing and shell instead of fondant. We get a small replica made every year for the two of us and drive two hours to get it. It was that good. Yay Cake!
Jacko - they're going to the nudie resort? O_o
We caught a glimpse of one of those resorts when we went snorkling. Fat hairy men is all I saw.
Submitted by CindyBman on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:54pm.
However, no matter how die-hard whatever-you-are, you must consider your guests' preferences. What other party do you host where almost all of your guests will be spending money to drive or fly to get to your location and have to get a hotel room for a weekend? Your guests may even have to take time off work to be able to get to your wedding. That's a pretty big sacrifice -- only to be rewarded with tofu-chicken-nuggets-look-alikes and some coconut water? (BTW, I love coconuts and all little coconut products. I'm NOT dissing the coconut. Tofu, yes. Coconut, no.) :)
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THIS!! I couldn't agree more!
I've got a friend getting married in September and for the honeymoon they are going to Hedonism in Jamaica... again, begin with the end in mind...
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
I do love my cake. But at my wedding, we ended up at a Mexican place, so we had Mexican fried ice cream in place of cake. And that, to me, is pretty much the next best thing
*I'm ashamed of what I did for a Klondike Bar*
pretentious boobs are even worse when they are pushing their pretentious boobness onto others....
quote me on this my little ones.
Submitted by Lucifer_Sam on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:53pm.
Of course by divorce time they're still paying off debts from the wedding.
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"Begin with the end in mind." ~ Stephen Covey
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rly1ZZ076G8&feature=related ~ Kenny Powers
Gwenyth is seething with jealousy. She and Chris should renew their vows so she can show everyone the true meaning of pretentious.
Submitted by M.E. on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:03pm.
Weezy - On our 1 year anniversary, when we hosted the "reception" party for friends and extended family, it was held at my in laws house, was totally informal and people had a great time. I had an open bar, disposable cameras at all the tables. Immediately following the party we got picked up by a towne car and headed to the airport for a week in Jamaica.
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Sounds like so much fun. Small, intimate and informal is the way to go. The one thing I would never compromise on is food, a great photographer and a good alcohol.
Sorry, but it sounds to me like she's just being cheap. I like how it was private and she's not broadcasting it like the other fame whores, though.
I really can't understand people bitching about friends weddings that are cash bar or dry or don't serve the food YOU don't like. It's not your fucking wedding and weddings are expensive as shit. That couple thought of you as a good enough friend to invite you to their wedding and celebrate their union. You don't have to fucking go, no one is forcing you. If you want an open bar and steak, have it at your own damn wedding. Some people can't afford an open bar.
Submitted by Gobbler on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:02pm.
HI GOBBLER!
Submitted by DiamondDogs on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 1:00pm
Thanks, DiamondDogs. I had never imagined a huge, expensive ceremony. I dislike being the center of attention. Our ceremony was short, sweet and simple. We took everything on faith as far as booking everything sight unseen and it worked out wonderfully. We have some really incredible photos, the best of which is us embracing/kissing while the surf splashed behind us. It was a perfect moment.
M.E. -Nice!
Within- LMAO @ the medieval wedding!
Submitted by CindyBman on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 12:38pm. Funny story: (I hope)
Ahahahahahaha!
Natalie's dress looks like what that mummified child in the Italian crypt wears.
I'm a cake fan. Carrot, buttercream, chocolate, anything. I would scatter the wildflower seeds for the birds and immediately send Nats a Dunan Hines cake mix for a wedding present.
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Visit The Freckle on Lindsay Lohan's Lip on Facebook.
MK, how do you do it? This is fucking funny shit! :D
Fleur yes they can look radioactive, although some bakeries wont put all that dye in them.
Lol Within, ever been to a dry wedding? No alcohol!
LOL @ Within enduring a medieval style wedding. Sorry, the visual was very funny in my mind.