Kristen Stewart’s Boyfriend Loves To Lick Her Armpits

Why don’t you let that headline marinate deep within the crevices of your brain before we really get into it. By that I mean, keep a cup of bleach nearby, because you will want to cleanse the sucio thoughts from your brain by pouring Clorox directly into your ear before shaking your head around. I think the exact medical term is called brain gargling.

I see Kristen Stewart wiped off the scarlet A (short for A Sparkle-Hating Slut Whore Skank Harlot Slow-Faced Puta Trampire) the crazed Twihards scribbled on her forehead when she was passed out in a weed-induced coma of woe. KStew’s handlers flea dipped her, shoved her into a dress and told her to put on a damage control smile before they pushed her out onto the red carpet brick pathway to pose with Kiki Dunst and Garrett Hedlund at the TIFF premiere of On The Road. I know, you almost didn’t recognize KStew without Rupert Sanders’ face all up in her box. KStew rarely ever uses the lazy muscles in her face to crack a smile and now I know why. Because when ho smiles, she looks like she’s about to save Esmerelda from Frollo.

And wrap your fingers around a cup of bleach, because we’re getting into the fuckery behind that headline now. British Vogue’s Christa D’Souza interviewed KStew (click here for scans of that mess of an interview) a month before the pictures of her farting into Rupert’s crotch came out. A week after the interview, Christa ran into KStew at some event and had to keep the laughs from pouring out of her nostrils when KStew drooled out this line (via ONTD & iSubscribe):

“My God, I’m so in love with my boyfriend. I wish he were here now. I think I want to have his babies. I love the way he smells. And him me. Like, he loves to lick under my armpits.”

Either bitch was stoned as hell or she’s being sarcastic or a little of both. Whatever the case may be, I still didn’t need the image of a dude slurping up KStew’s pit syrup. Since KStew barely spends time in a shower, you know licking her pits is like munching on a hobo’s musty ass in the middle of a wet sauna. Like giving head to a wet fart. Just several layers of sweaty NO all on your tongue. I just want to rub a deodorant stick all over that quote to get the stank out. So fuck KStew for giving me that image, because I really didn’t need that today.

But since KStew had to go there, she needs to specify which boyfriend she was talking about. Because I need to know if RPattz’s new nickname is Pit Licker Pattinson or is Rupert Sanders’ new nickname Rupit Licker? Please clarify, you dirty bitch!